Current Obsessions

Here are some things that really bring me joy right now

Sunflowers

I wanna put them on everything. Even my web browser and phone are currently sunflower themed.

Settling down.
Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first. So lemme explain. I've felt like I've been in transition in one area or another of my life for 3 years. But since my minor early 20's life crisis and coming back to the real world. I feel like I've fallen into place. That spot I've been moving towards for 3 years. I found it. How do I know? Well a million things but mostly I've felt compelled to buy furniture lately... who does that? Grown ups and people who have found a place; I'm the second not the first.

Hence why I want this a lot

like a lot a lot, I'd steal babies for it.

Donald Miller's Blog
Donald Miller

Yes I did plug his blog two posts in a row.

Shakira.
I've always been a little obsessed but I really dig this song and video. I've been in love with the song for months now ever since I bought the CD the play count in my iTunes has been steadily growing.



JJ Heller "You would love me too"
You Would Love Me Too by JJ Heller-You Would Love Me Too
Sorry friends I couldn't figure out how to embed it, but you can click and listen and feel old school because it's on myspace.


Watching the Lord do great things in the lives of friends. I feel so blessed to see the Lord working in my friend's lives, just to be privileged enough to be a part.

2 hours reading book reviews= Mile long reading list

When I'm in school I do a lot of reading most of it is meaningless to me because I don't care about the formation of planets and such. Other times its just overwhelming because I chose to be a Spanish lit major so I get to play the translation game and read the classics and misinterpret them when I do it without the help of a professor. Anyway I don't read other stuff because I feel reading drained but I've decide that's just an excuse and I can make time to read about other things, for example, I could pick up a few Jesus books and read them. It's always great to add a little outside perspective in life. So while reading one of my favs Donald Miller's Blog. I trapped myself in this 2 hour excursion reading Christian book reviews and now I have a list of things to read. Here are the one's I'm pretty seriously committed to:

At the top of the list: Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson
Permission to Speak Freely is about confessing your struggles to God and to others and finding freedom in it. Partially comprised of Anne's confessions and experiences and the other part is artistic representation of the confessions of others (think post secrets). It's got Essays, poetry, pictures and letters. Sounds like a real winner in my book.

Don't believe me check out any or all of these Essays excerpts from the book on some snazy Christian blog.

Donald Miller (Essay #1 – The First Brick)
***side note 1: seriously if you don't read this blog you're missing out***

Jon Acuff (Essay #2 – The Final Brick)
***side note 2: again read this blog or you're missing out***


***side note 3: I've never read any of these other blogs so I won't try to convince you the you're missing something***

Carlos Whittaker (Essay #3 – Losing Faith)
Pete Wilson (Essay #4 – Finding Love in All the Wrong Places)
XXXChurch.com (Essay #5 – Shattered Pixels)
Catalyst Conference (Essay #6 – Ghosts of Churches Past)
FlowerDust.net (Essay #7 – Listening)

Forgotten God- Francis Chan
A follow up to Crazy Love. It's about the holy spirit and how as Christians we have a tendency to neglect the power of the holy spirit.

Fatherless Generation- Dr. John Sowers
Fatherless Generation is a hard-hitting, descriptive look at this issue, showing how awareness, compassion, and mentoring are the keys to writing new stories of hope.
(I stole that description I liked the way it was written)

Practical Theology for Women- Wendy Horger Alsup
Alsup writes about applying theology to the everyday life of women. Plus the cover is pretty and yes I judge my books by the cover.

A Christian Manifesto- Francis Schaeffer
What happened to American Christianity. The country was founded on it but today humanism and consumerism drive our country. Schaeffer explores that and calls Christians to change it.


I just bought this one yesterday before I spent two hours
Crazy Love- Francis Chan
Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts — it's falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love, as Francis describes it, you will never be the same.

Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.
(I stole this one too)

Others that interest me:
Gracias- Henri Nouwen
Mere Christianity- C.S. Lewis(seriously how do you make a to read list with out putting Lewis on it?)
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn.... kidding I'm not going to read that... it was just funny.
Follow me to Freedom- Shane Claiborne
Irresistible Revolution- Shane Claiborne


There you have it. I'm committed. Join me maybe? If not I think I'm gonna post about the books I read. It'll give me extra motivation to read them.

Joy even when I've lost all my socks.

Ever encounter something that brings you so much joy that you want to dance and everything you experience for the rest of the day is tinted in rose? I felt like that today for the first time in 2 weeks. If I've told you in the past two weeks that I was fine, I lied. I'm sorry for lying to you. I like to pretend to be okae sometimes especially when I'm falling apart. BUT

I started my day with this:

Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."

Before I even got out of bed and it changed everything about my day and my life quite frankly.

I promise there will be joy at the end of this post. I just have to walk through how I got to dancing and joy after being home for 2 weeks as of yesterday.

I've been dying inside a little since I've been home from my internship. I've felt all alone and helpless. Since I got back all I've wanted to do was buy a plane ticket to South Carolina and go home. The adjustment has been rough, I didn't expect it. I didn't think it'd be easy in fact I knew it wouldn't be. I spent 3 months in a bubble where God challenged and pushed me daily; He moved me forward leaps and bounds in my life and my figuring out who I am. Seriously even the suckiest things that happened while I was gone were completely good for me because I learned from them. He even called me by name from a tree (the story is for sure in the top 3 coolest God moments of my life permanently). I decided before I drove out of the gate and down camp road that I wouldn't go back to the same place I'd been in before I left the valley for the summer. As I drove down Perkinsville Rd I took that moment to pray that God would show me how to apply what I had learned in the summer and that he would go before me and make sure that I didn't go back to where I was before the internship.

The closer I got to the valley the harder it was to breath, partially because the closer you get the hotter it is, mostly because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't go back to my parents house where I lived all last semester for the first time in almost 2 years because I couldn't bear to be a part of something I don't respect, I couldn't bare to witness the damage, pretend with them any more that nothing is wrong with our family. So my best friend took me in. Then my car broke no more than 2 miles from my parents house and I knew my dad was home but I couldn't call. I realized that if I choose not to pretend with my parents then I choose to be alone. I choose to not have a family to support me in Phoenix and this is when the dying amplified. I know he wouldn't have been very helpful but he would have picked me up even if he didn't want to he'd have done it because I'd have cried. But I couldn't call so I didn't and I didn't cry either; I wasn't strong enough to cry. I felt more alone in that moment then I've ever felt, even at my lowest point I'd never felt that alone but I also didn't feel back then I just existed. I prayed more vigorously every day after that, the prayer that I'd been praying since I found out about everything happening in at "home". I prayed that God would give me peace and be release me to go home to South Carolina so I wouldn't have to be alone...

But when you're called by God, He doesn't just let you go he implores you to be obedient to his will.

Yeah I could leave but the more I prayed the more I felt like God would just draw me back here if I did. So why leave? No point if I'm coming back so I stayed here hoping I was misinterpreting and relentlessly asking God to let me leave without a bungee cord to make me bounce back here to which He continually said no.

The Joy: My day in rose.
I started by having a dance party because I was filled with joy and energy. Then I listened to a killer podcast sermon on being a missionary while I actually did something with my hair because I cared. Checked my facebook and recieved facebook love. Left for class and texted my lovely friend friend Ashley Blount, who also offered me a chance to be her roommate, all the way there. Then I went to class and both of them were great. I learned new words in Romanian, I love learning words and speaking and taking notes and everything about language acquisition. New favorite word chinez- pronounced KEYnez which is why I like it KEYnez is fun to say. Then Julie read us semi-dirty joke in Romanian for this website. I'm sure that the ones she didn't read were actually really dirty but I can't read Romanian so I don't have any idea what they were like. In Spanish lit 425- my professor walked in at 1:44, who does that? 1 minute away from having no class. But oh well it was a great lecture on something I never read because I still don't have the book (I wasn't buying books if I was running away). However I actually engaged in conversation in that class with the people around me pre-class and during the lecture. Which I've yet to do because I've been sulking almost every second of everyday. After class I returned a missed phone call from Orbi that just made me feel useful again, it's humbling to be out of the loop but it's also precious when someone chooses to bring you up to speed. Then I found a little hole in the wall sushi spot with take out. Decently priced and delicious, Sushi Time Rural and Baseline. Ate my sushi while watching a Che Guevara documentary and then my two of my best friends loved me and Bri watched TV with me even if it was terrible and a mindless waste of my time. Then Ryan called me, and made me laugh because he's a stalker and I'm a horrible cynic.

I said all of that to say none of it matters much in the grand scheme of things it was a bunch of little things that made me happy but had today been yesterday I wouldn't have cared it wouldn't have been noticed. I wouldn't have found joy in a single second. I would have sulked and begged God for the 13 millionth time to let me go back to South Carolina and be with my family and live in my room. But because the idea of "trusting in the Lord, the Rock eternal" bought me joy as soon as I opened my eyes before I even got up and brushed my teeth. Today everything was in rose, everything was good. Good happened with God's help and he made even more good happen in the world for bazillions of other people but you can only see it if you choose to. I chose good today. Trusting in God today allowed me to choose good.

I know that I am called to be here, so it will be good, not perfect but good and I have to choose to see that. Maybe one day I'll go home, maybe I'll get to be around family again but I know that if I don't it'll okae. I just have to choose to trust that this is supposed to be my home and do what it takes to make it feel that way for me because for now and this is where I belong where I'm supposed to be. I feel it deep in my heart I've felt it since the beginning of the summer, I've yet to trust it though. I'll get there but for now at least I'm done sulking about being alone I find ways not to be alone and when I am I'll still be with God so not alone. P.S. I learned that this summer and somehow still missed it.

Message of it all: Choose to trust God in your life and choose good in your days.




Just a little idea of where this came from:
My feet were cold and somehow I've lost all of my socks except one pair, blue and green stripes but they're latex free... so score! I'm not mad either I don't care. Had I looked for them yesterday the world would have been against me when I didn't find them but today I'm grateful for the one pair and my Young Life sweatshirt. Because I remembered my verse and I don't think the world is out to get me because there is good to be seen.

So I'm gonna watch an episode of True Blood and go then go to bed.

Please listen to Ingrid and share some of my joy

I'm considering eating meat again

To be clear I'm not actually considering it but I did consider giving of my red meat free diet today. I sorta eat meat but I don't consider fish and foul to be meat like some people as far as I'm concerned meat comes from mammals we can debate that somewhere else if you want. So when I say meat I'm referring to a slab of steak and or some pork chops or bacon...ewww bacon... or something of that nature. Not gloriously seasoned, marinated and grilled chicken or lemon peppered grilled salmon so I'll eat birds and fish but absolutely NO RED MEAT for me. Sometimes I think about being a vegetarian and then I remember what it feels like when my body shuts down because it doesn't have enough protein or I'll think about all the foods I could eat. But on the rare occasion I encounter a meat filled dish that makes me want to throw caution to the wind and eat meat just so I can have it and enjoy it without consequences.

I've been thinking lately I really like food. Eating anything that wasn't mass produced, though I do love the Lost Canyon Kitchen, will do that to you I think. I know someone who shall remain nameless that thinks I'm a picky eater and that I don't really like food. First I'll admit that I am a picky eater but in my defense I think I'm inclined to think some things don't taste good because 1. my mom's pescaterian (she eats fish because it's easy protein) and she has been for nearly 24 years she loves to point out meat's gross qualities and I agree. 2. I grew up in the South. Have you seen what Southern people do to their food?





everything on that plate was brought to you by:




Unless that was plate from my Grandma's kitchen because when I was 7 my grandma stopped using lard in anything she made because it'll clog your arteries and kill you. Oh and a little fyi for anyone who doesn't know lard is just a grocery store word for saturated pig fat. It wouldn't sell as well if you put that on the package. When you grow up eating soul food you have a bias towards things that don't fit in your soul food box also I'm from a small town my options were limited. I'm a picky eater because I'm a victim of circumstances that's all.

Promise I had a point. Every time I eat the food just taste so different. I've noticed it a lot since I've been home. Things I normally eat just aren't as good anymore. I want something more from the food on my plate.

I was scouring the internet and I found what I want in my food.

I want to eat food like this all the time.


grilled PB&J

I'm positive that I'd actually eat peanut butter if it were in a grilled sandwich it'd be all melted and yummy. It's the consistency that doesn't appeal to me.


rice, sesame seeds, eel and a sunny side up egg.

rice for breakfast? Capital Y E S exclamation mark. I love eel it's one of my favorite things to have in my sushi. Eggs are a staple in my world. Granted I've never had the two together but delicious plus delicious is obviously just double delicious.


Pasta dish

Pasta, cheese sauce, broccoli. I think that may be some kind of sausage or ground beef or something in there which I can live without for sure. I'd just leave it out.

Granted I would eat all 3 of those things without having to make a lifestyle switch.

BUT
(and this is what this whole blog was about)

I would absolutely reconsider eating meat for this dish



I'm just so curious about it. It's tofu is marinated in red chili vinaigrette with short ribs are saturated in a red, sesame chili salsa in a corn tortilla served out of a Korean-Mexican Barbecue food truck. Ridiculous and yet I want to eat it. Los Angeles, I dislike you for many reasons Kobe being number 1, but if I ever decide to eat meat again I'm coming for a visit so I can eat this taco.


That is all :-)

How I Spent My Day and The Things I learned

So instead of going to Romanian class today I had to attend to my car. However my car was on the other side of the valley and Pepboys... who are lame all 3 of those character guys LAME... wouldn't release my car to be towed because I had to pay in person... which makes them double lame... who doesn't take payment over the phone?

So I embarked on adventure using the public transportation system provided by the city of Phoenix.

I left at 11:00 (it took me that long to figure out which buses to ride. I got up at 8)
I hopped on the bus then the light rail okae so the first 1.5 hours of my journey were sorta boring. I read some Henri Nouwen:



Great book pick it up.

Then I hopped off the light rail and onto another bus, again sorta boring until I realized I was on the wrong bus. Dear City of Phoenix consider naming you're buses better.

So I had to back track a little get on a different bus where I met a lovely lady who spoke to me in Spanish. I couldn't understand her though cuz it was loud. So I thought oh way out answer what I understood in English and then tell her I don't speak Spanish in Spanish. I was punished for lying because as soon as I told her in my awesome accent(even if I do say so myself), she questioned me "you don't speak any Spanish" to which I was forced to respond, "I do just not well I listen well I just get nervous an I just couldn't hear you before because of all the construction and I don't know that word" *side note* she had a different accent I've not heard before I have no idea where she was from. *end side note* She forgave me and asked with words and hands. Very nice lady.

So on the correct bus now. 1 more switch. So I get off too wait for my next bus and so does this Tata. He was real old and it was awesome. He was even rocking several different fashion statements in one outfit, typical old guy style. Oh I should add highlight of his stylish outfit a trucker hat that was very Ashton Kutcher circa 2003. He talked to me about his fresh white kicks and asked if my feet were hot in my TOMS. I talked to him for half an hour about old people stuff, so nothing really which was okae.


Finally I arrived at my destination picked up my car drove it to the Volkswagen Dealer and left it there. That took all of 20 minutes. Yes I rode the public transportation for 4 hours to do a 20 minute job because Pepboys sucks. So I just left my car because I had another bus to catch to start my trip home. However they were nice at VDub and drove me to the bus stop in Tolleson that I was going to. Which enabled me to catch an earlier bus which enable me to stay out of the dark but caused me to be subjected to white hairy man thighs... gross.

I pretty much read this the whole way home...



(Ah literature you are soooo good.

Thanks Eric Martinez for buying me this book!)


....except for when I almost threw up because a gentleman in the male equivalent of soffe shorts sat across from me and he was hairy and pale and if you didn't know body hair including legs and arms sicks me out in the first place but everyone's upper thighs should be kept a secret. So I got off the bus before I needed to because I was uncomfortable and went to the BK lounge and bought an ice cold Dr. Pepper.



So now for the things I've learned:
1. Bus are great... I don't know where the people who ride buses come from but I feel like I never encounter them in any other part of life.

2. Phoenix is huge when ride a bus if I had a car 1 hour tops but because I did it all walking and on a bus I have a new found appreciation for the city.

3. Men should shave their legs. No one should be subjected to white hairy man thighs.

4. Women should shave their arm pits... don't ask.

5. I really like the light rail

6. Bus drivers are solitary people.

7. Dr. Pepper tastes sooo good after a long day




And for my finale
Wanna you know what 9 hours of bus riding and walking around Phoenix got me?







Sorry Rikki Face if you are reading this

















Please let me answer your questions
Yes that is for real
Yes I am actually that color naturally. I just get dark because I live in Phoenix there is always sun.
I tan easily its a God given gift.
Yes this happened today for the most part I had a little tan from school this week but nothing to serious.
No I will not be wearing sandals any time soon.
Yes I'm submitting it to the TOMS website in hopes that they will put my feet on the internet... not that I didn't just do that.





I'm outie
(sorry I was feeling a little Clueless)

Seriously though gotta read some more Island Beneath the Sea by Isabel Allende... and then watch True Blood before bed.

I rocked so she could hear the Gospel.

Preface
Dear blog world... sorry I suck at updating my blog. I always want to write posts that are a million pages long because I don't update often enough. I promise to get better, seriously I promise.

Chapter 1 (no friends there will not be other chapters I just wanted to write that)

So I'm sitting in the basement of the clubroom at the glorious Lost Canyon, my home away from home and currently my actual home... I'm doing so laundry... which I don't do often enough, so when I do I have to sit and watch it otherwise I'll walk away and forget. Anyway I started pondering my summer and I've realized how great God has been to me this summer. I really feel blessed, all the time, its so amazing to be here and to be a part of something bigger. I know I know I say that every time I go on assignment but its because I mean it. Every little part counts and you never know how your little part plays into the big picture.

Like last night I watched a girl's baby because she was having a hard time and was leaving camp early but she decided that since she was still here she'd go here the message. I encouraged her to go but I think the Lord called her, all I did was offer her comfort by saying I'd hold her baby while she was gone. I didn't do much, in fact I didn't actually do anything... I rocked her baby to sleep and held him while he slept; but while I rocked she was hearing the Gospel. She was experiencing the word of God. So in the grand scheme of things I said to her "go" but He said her "come to me". It's breath taking.

I don't know what the Message at club was I have no idea what the speaker said but I know what she heard. She heard "I love you" God told her that he loves her, he longs for relationship with her and he's waiting for her. I don't know if she even received the message, I don't know if she's a now a believer of Christ, but I do know that a seed was planted. I pray that she waters it.

That's what I'm doing. I'm not just working in the office... well I am most of the time but I'm making way for the Gospel to be heard. I'm also positive that I don't get to do it because I'm worthy, I know it's because I'm unworthy and broken, and I needed to be restored. I know it's because He chose me because I am broken and needed to be restored. Hands down best night of my summer... even if I was mad about it initially because I was supposed to be off (I told you I'm not worthy of this job), I was there I was in the place he wanted me to be when he wanted me to be there. Even if that's the only moment I remember from this summer. It was all worth it.

I rocked so she could hear the Gospel.

I've been reading

So lately I've been reading this book by Donald Miller, first he's one of my favorite authors; second my completely biased opinion is that this book is amazing. I know I have a long way to go in my life but sometimes I get stuck because I don't know what holding me back I'm just too deep in my own mess to actually see the big picture. Donald Miller's books have more then once brought a hidden part of my heart to the surface. Sometimes I have to hear someone else say it before I notice it. Then the healing begins with the LORD and me. I've been praying for restoration in my life and I have a feeling that realizing this is where I start for right now. Bringing this part of myself to the LORD is scary but brings me so much peace and I have no idea why I couldn't see it before and why I didn't sit before the LORD with it before now.

The Book:





The Revelation:
Within the first few chapters of the book I realized I'm fatherless in a very Earthly way. I didn't think about it before now. I have a father but he was absent in childhood and in my more recent years he's really distant, more so a shadow father then a father (just so everyone is aware that is a reference to my fav show Grey's Anatomy you know like Shadow Shepherd as in the not as good as Dr. Shepherd Seattle Grace neurosurgeon... yep same thing). A shadow father isn't like a real dad he doesn't take you fishing or on father-daughter dates and he doesn't remind you that you mean the world to him or tell you that you're pretty and make you feel like you're the most important person in the world sometimes; he speaks to you while walking away, forgets important events and shows up late on your birthday if he shows up at all. When you have a shadow father you occasionally can forget how important you really are. I know I do. I don't blame my shadow father for my pain, I feel like I can't because he's a victim too, and his father wasn't even a shadow in his life. I suppose when you don't have a dad you don't really have the opportunity to learn how to be a dad. Whether or not he's at fault is not the issue at hand... it's the fact that having a shadow father has really broken me. I mean honestly to me I don't really have parents in the first place not in the traditional sense anyway. However my mom and I have come to some kind of understanding about the past and so we're moving forward but it can never be a traditional mother daughter relationship but it is a relationship, but my dad and I don't move in any direction. As a result in my personal life I don't move in any direction. I sit and wait for some kind of affirmation that may never come. I’m seeking some assurance that I might never get.

The BIGGER revelation:
I have reluctance to being in all relationships as well as an intense fear of intimacy. I'm aware I've been painfully aware for a long time but I never could figure out why. I now think it's because I have a shadow father as well as a "doesn't exist as far as I know" father. At several points in my life I've tired to deal with this and thought I succeed it but I only half succeed because I've only dealt with parts of the issue and thought that was good enough. It's not, that is a false assumption on my part on anyone's part really about any issue, if you don't deal with every part of an issue you can't be whole until you allow the entire wound to heal. It was a lot easier to cope with not having my mom around, because I had my Grandma. So I don't feel like I missed out on anything. She's one of the best things to ever happen to me. She was my mom so I don't have that void in my heart. I'm not missing the influence of a mother in my life. I always had one and I have like 70% of a second one and we're working on the rest, all I had to deal with was my hurt from my mom's absence. Hurt and a hole are on different ends of the spectrum. But I do have a huge hole in my heart because I don't know what it's like to have a good dad. Sometimes that affects my relationship with God. That's what I'm sitting before Him with. Sometimes I'm guilty of projecting my lack of expectation of my Earthly father onto my Heavenly Father. It actually happens more often then I would like to admit. Furthermore I'm also guilty of projecting my lack of trust in and my lowered expectations of my shadow father and my "doesn't exist as far as I know" father on every male I encounter. I've built this wall around my heart to keep people out. The problem is that I forgot it was there because it's a recessed wall but now I see that the wall has prevented me for getting closer to God. I've never noticed my distance from intimacy (with people in general not just males) I've also never noticed that sometimes when I fail to trust the LORD its because the image of God the Father sometimes resembles a shadow father in my head. EPIC FAIL on the part of my logic. I've realized that's part of what's going on in my heart right now. God's pointing to the recessed wall that's guarding my heart and saying, "I want in there, that spot right there, I want to tear that wall down and fill that hole that's the part of you that I need to fill to make you whole."

I think sometimes we, as people, are so broken that we don't even notice that we're broken but God knows and it's his desire to heal that brokenness and make us whole and he pursues us so he can heal us and occasionally we become aware of our brokenness while reading Donald Miller in a coffee shop.