How Oswald Chambers manages to always be relevant escapes me. He wrote My Utmost for His Highest in the 1800's but his writings still manage to wreck my life daily because it's as though Christ whispered the words onto the page himself through Chambers' pen.
Today's Devotion: Impulsiveness or Discipleship wrecked my thinking. I'm brash and pretty impulsive... sometimes I just act on pure emotion. So to that I simply say...
Wreck my life Jesus and teach me to walk in your ways.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
So I suck...
Well technically I don't suck. I just don't have internet. I moved on October 3rd... I do things like that... I just up and move some times... actually I don't, I don't ever do that but I do make brash decisions and then act on them quickly most people never even know I was thinking about it. I moved in with my lovely friend Ashley and we don't have internet at home. Which is probably better my room is huge and scary and empty. I've lost all of my stuff that used to populate my life. So I probably won't have internet for a while so my blogging shall suffer. But it's probably best that I don't have internet while I'm getting used to the place when I'm there I'm forced to actually live there and not get lost on the internet. I have to embrace the shadows on my empty walls and faint light that peers from under my closed closet door.
Plus we all know that I spend most of my free time at Grand Canyon University because pretty much all of my friends live there. I should just sacrifice my 3 years of school and start over and go there. I could get the money... we all know I'm not ready to graduate and be a grown up. What's 4 more years of school.... kidding I'm kidding Aubrey Schaffer I'm kidding.
I promise to make October posts about love. I've been listening to some awesome Podcast sermons and I'm learning a lot so I basically have tons to share.
Plus we all know that I spend most of my free time at Grand Canyon University because pretty much all of my friends live there. I should just sacrifice my 3 years of school and start over and go there. I could get the money... we all know I'm not ready to graduate and be a grown up. What's 4 more years of school.... kidding I'm kidding Aubrey Schaffer I'm kidding.
I promise to make October posts about love. I've been listening to some awesome Podcast sermons and I'm learning a lot so I basically have tons to share.
Friday, October 1, 2010
OCTOBER!!
Woke up this morning and thought holy geez wasn't it just January the other day? Didn't I just express how lovely I thought 2010 was going to be and how it was going to blow me away?
RECAP of the Year so far:
January: left my Young Life job and bummed around trying to figure myself out
February: Pushed myself hard through the static
March: Pushed even harder through the static
April-May: Dated a New YL area
May-August: Let God pick me up and carry me away from the static. Left my area. Interned at Lost Canyon where God restored my heart, changed my life, and called me from a tree (I think I've failed to share this story here). I learned so much about myself and people and community, I lived and loved and learned. Even in the hard things in the muck and mire I learned so much and consider it all a blessing.
August: Had a minor crisis due to the shock of coming home and school and not having a place to live, almost ran away but I stayed because I'm called.
September: Fell in love ministry all over again. Realized God is still breaking old habits of mine. Found perspective on a lot of things. Did something so out of character that it was crazy but it felt so good. Really seeking change and newness in my life. I've done a lot of things wrong in my life and now I want to try and do things right.
Wow and the year isn't over yet. Yesterday put me officially 3 months away from turning 22. There are a mere 90 days sitting between 21 year old me and 22 year old me. I can't believe I'm almost that old. I know, I know it's not really all that old, but for me it is. I feel actually feel older now this is the first time ever in my life that I don't feel like a lost little kid. I feel like I'm finally free from my past because I've finally learned from it. I've learned how to accept the things that have happened for what they are.
Who am I going to be in 90 days? What can God do in 90 days? I'm not sure but I'm going to find out. For the next 90 days I'm really going to seek God in some dark areas of my heart because I realized the yesterday that I have this twisted perception of love and relationships.
Sidenote: Not God's love because it's perfect I see God's love everywhere and it's save me way back when I was 16 and trying to figure out what being a Christian was I came across 1 Corinthians 13 and verses 4-8 leaped up from the pages and wrapped around my heart where the words still remain because that day I found what I'd been looking for my whole life. Patient, kind, free of envy, boasting, rudeness, and pride. I heard the love I'd been looking for whisper to me. Since that day I've tried to bask in that love. Sometimes I fail but when I succeed in my life is so sweet that even silence and oneness taste good to my soul. I actually seek to develop the qualities described in 1 Corinthians in my own character, that's why I wear the verse on my back to remind me even though I can't see it others can and that's who I want to be. I know I can't attain it perfectly but I can strive for it in a healthy way. :End Sidenote
My twisted perception is of human love and relationships. I'm a product of a severely broken home. I've carried that around for a really long time. I used to want to just blend in to the background and be as unimportant as my family made me feel. For years I walked around with that in the forefront of my heart. For years I carried this hurt in the form of a wall around my heart. It made me unable to be free and trust people and their intentions with me. God monster stomped the wall down a few weeks ago but it's left me with this desire to repair the damage.
Then yesterday I was presented with this question:
But I'm in the mood to be bold. So here I go.
In the next 90 days of my life I want God to reconcile my view of human relationships. I want to be shown something, I want to learn sometime, be a part of something that will teach me differently from that which I have been exposed to. I don't expect to be completely reedeemed shoot it took 21 years to get here and the hurt has been forming for 16 of those years so I don't expect to be completely healed in 90 days but I do expect to start the process. I do expect God to show up and I won't write off the idea of complete restoration in 90 days either. God is huge he can do what he wants. I'm just inviting Him in this is His work of art that will not be commanded by my hands.
But I can't just ask if I'm not willing to jump in both feet first and get waist deep in my issue with God in front of me. So amongst my rando blogging this month I'm also going to take time and write about parts of this process. I want to share this with people. I could do it in secret I know I'll write about it even if I choose not to blog it but there something about having it out there on in the world wide web makes it feel like I'm not only professing it to myself and God but the world. I want to profess it to world, shout from mountain tops, so this is my proverbial mountain. Expect it soon! (like today after I take my astronomy test) :)
RECAP of the Year so far:
January: left my Young Life job and bummed around trying to figure myself out
February: Pushed myself hard through the static
March: Pushed even harder through the static
April-May: Dated a New YL area
May-August: Let God pick me up and carry me away from the static. Left my area. Interned at Lost Canyon where God restored my heart, changed my life, and called me from a tree (I think I've failed to share this story here). I learned so much about myself and people and community, I lived and loved and learned. Even in the hard things in the muck and mire I learned so much and consider it all a blessing.
August: Had a minor crisis due to the shock of coming home and school and not having a place to live, almost ran away but I stayed because I'm called.
September: Fell in love ministry all over again. Realized God is still breaking old habits of mine. Found perspective on a lot of things. Did something so out of character that it was crazy but it felt so good. Really seeking change and newness in my life. I've done a lot of things wrong in my life and now I want to try and do things right.
Wow and the year isn't over yet. Yesterday put me officially 3 months away from turning 22. There are a mere 90 days sitting between 21 year old me and 22 year old me. I can't believe I'm almost that old. I know, I know it's not really all that old, but for me it is. I feel actually feel older now this is the first time ever in my life that I don't feel like a lost little kid. I feel like I'm finally free from my past because I've finally learned from it. I've learned how to accept the things that have happened for what they are.
Who am I going to be in 90 days? What can God do in 90 days? I'm not sure but I'm going to find out. For the next 90 days I'm really going to seek God in some dark areas of my heart because I realized the yesterday that I have this twisted perception of love and relationships.
Sidenote: Not God's love because it's perfect I see God's love everywhere and it's save me way back when I was 16 and trying to figure out what being a Christian was I came across 1 Corinthians 13 and verses 4-8 leaped up from the pages and wrapped around my heart where the words still remain because that day I found what I'd been looking for my whole life. Patient, kind, free of envy, boasting, rudeness, and pride. I heard the love I'd been looking for whisper to me. Since that day I've tried to bask in that love. Sometimes I fail but when I succeed in my life is so sweet that even silence and oneness taste good to my soul. I actually seek to develop the qualities described in 1 Corinthians in my own character, that's why I wear the verse on my back to remind me even though I can't see it others can and that's who I want to be. I know I can't attain it perfectly but I can strive for it in a healthy way. :End Sidenote
My twisted perception is of human love and relationships. I'm a product of a severely broken home. I've carried that around for a really long time. I used to want to just blend in to the background and be as unimportant as my family made me feel. For years I walked around with that in the forefront of my heart. For years I carried this hurt in the form of a wall around my heart. It made me unable to be free and trust people and their intentions with me. God monster stomped the wall down a few weeks ago but it's left me with this desire to repair the damage.
Then yesterday I was presented with this question:
Why are we afraid to ask God for what we really want?My answer because I'm afraid he'll actually do it.
But I'm in the mood to be bold. So here I go.
In the next 90 days of my life I want God to reconcile my view of human relationships. I want to be shown something, I want to learn sometime, be a part of something that will teach me differently from that which I have been exposed to. I don't expect to be completely reedeemed shoot it took 21 years to get here and the hurt has been forming for 16 of those years so I don't expect to be completely healed in 90 days but I do expect to start the process. I do expect God to show up and I won't write off the idea of complete restoration in 90 days either. God is huge he can do what he wants. I'm just inviting Him in this is His work of art that will not be commanded by my hands.
But I can't just ask if I'm not willing to jump in both feet first and get waist deep in my issue with God in front of me. So amongst my rando blogging this month I'm also going to take time and write about parts of this process. I want to share this with people. I could do it in secret I know I'll write about it even if I choose not to blog it but there something about having it out there on in the world wide web makes it feel like I'm not only professing it to myself and God but the world. I want to profess it to world, shout from mountain tops, so this is my proverbial mountain. Expect it soon! (like today after I take my astronomy test) :)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Don't make jokes about repentence or God will call you out on it.
In my last post I said the following in reference to settling down.
I'm a self defined cynic... well I was a self defined cynic, mostly in reference to people and love. Love stories only exist in books and Hollywood fiction. While I like a good chick flick they're just fantasy to me. Well they were that is. See I'm from a trice broken home and I can provide you with the short list of positive male influences I've encountered in my life none of whom are my father or the men who should have been father figures to me. Also please note that the list doesn't really begin until I was well into high school. Strong women I get.. good men I don't. I grew up with this misconception that men are just trouble there are exceptions but in general men are trouble. I'm also guilty of thinking I'm doomed to be my parents. I'm doomed to run into that guy that's gonna be like my dad and I'll end up a single because I'm divorced, depressed, broken and a mother of 2. So I turned into a cynic. It's been this wall of safety if I don't believe in people and I don't believe in love then I'm safe and secure and you would think that after several years of Christ following I'd have learned my lesson about walls but nope not me, the walls I have left aren't necessarily all that bad in most ways they have protected me from lots of trouble in my life they were effective for a time period and I think God let me have them while he was working some other stuff out for me but now they just hold me back. So God drove it home this summer, NO MORE WALLS. Thus he began breaking them all down.
So after I made my joke that I typically make about being terrible girlfriend material, which I make often, God went right on ahead and called me out. God put Proverbs 31 in front of me, take a minute to read it. HERE
See I read that and realized I'm secretly striving to be that woman. I didn't know I was until I read it though. My actions and desires weren't mirroring my words, but I don't think I had the words to mirror my heart before.
That verse got me, Proverbs 31:30 grabbed my heart and tugged hard. Cynicism is like the plague. Its starts as a tiny really little spot and then before you know it, it's all over your body and you're struggling to survive because you're 21 and thoroughly convinced that you'll never be married even if it's God's will for your life. Which I was convinced of while hiding behind my cynicism, I was prepared to directly disobey the Lord if need be. (pause that might be a little to real of a statement for some people but it's the truth and I'm about honesty) I know that marriage isn't promised but should it be in God's will for me I was prepared to disobey for fear of destruction. For fear that I'd wind up like my parents. I was fearing earthly things instead of the Lord. Shame on me.
So yesterday morning I decided to repent of my cynicism and the lies I believe in so many different parts of my heart because of it and then last night God tested me and this morning I passed; I said, "God I don't want this because it makes me want to turn around but I want whatever Your will is for me more. So let Your will be done in my life" and then this afternoon he challenged me to submit completely and totally to his will in every part of my life and I've always had trouble with that concept it's always been hard for me. I accepted his challenge and I'm sure he'll test me soon enough and I'll probably blog about it later. So until then...
Let God's will for you life be done too, submit and surrender to his good, holy and pleasing will.
...Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first...
I'm a self defined cynic... well I was a self defined cynic, mostly in reference to people and love. Love stories only exist in books and Hollywood fiction. While I like a good chick flick they're just fantasy to me. Well they were that is. See I'm from a trice broken home and I can provide you with the short list of positive male influences I've encountered in my life none of whom are my father or the men who should have been father figures to me. Also please note that the list doesn't really begin until I was well into high school. Strong women I get.. good men I don't. I grew up with this misconception that men are just trouble there are exceptions but in general men are trouble. I'm also guilty of thinking I'm doomed to be my parents. I'm doomed to run into that guy that's gonna be like my dad and I'll end up a single because I'm divorced, depressed, broken and a mother of 2. So I turned into a cynic. It's been this wall of safety if I don't believe in people and I don't believe in love then I'm safe and secure and you would think that after several years of Christ following I'd have learned my lesson about walls but nope not me, the walls I have left aren't necessarily all that bad in most ways they have protected me from lots of trouble in my life they were effective for a time period and I think God let me have them while he was working some other stuff out for me but now they just hold me back. So God drove it home this summer, NO MORE WALLS. Thus he began breaking them all down.
So after I made my joke that I typically make about being terrible girlfriend material, which I make often, God went right on ahead and called me out. God put Proverbs 31 in front of me, take a minute to read it. HERE
See I read that and realized I'm secretly striving to be that woman. I didn't know I was until I read it though. My actions and desires weren't mirroring my words, but I don't think I had the words to mirror my heart before.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
That verse got me, Proverbs 31:30 grabbed my heart and tugged hard. Cynicism is like the plague. Its starts as a tiny really little spot and then before you know it, it's all over your body and you're struggling to survive because you're 21 and thoroughly convinced that you'll never be married even if it's God's will for your life. Which I was convinced of while hiding behind my cynicism, I was prepared to directly disobey the Lord if need be. (pause that might be a little to real of a statement for some people but it's the truth and I'm about honesty) I know that marriage isn't promised but should it be in God's will for me I was prepared to disobey for fear of destruction. For fear that I'd wind up like my parents. I was fearing earthly things instead of the Lord. Shame on me.
So yesterday morning I decided to repent of my cynicism and the lies I believe in so many different parts of my heart because of it and then last night God tested me and this morning I passed; I said, "God I don't want this because it makes me want to turn around but I want whatever Your will is for me more. So let Your will be done in my life" and then this afternoon he challenged me to submit completely and totally to his will in every part of my life and I've always had trouble with that concept it's always been hard for me. I accepted his challenge and I'm sure he'll test me soon enough and I'll probably blog about it later. So until then...
Let God's will for you life be done too, submit and surrender to his good, holy and pleasing will.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Current Obsessions
Here are some things that really bring me joy right now
Sunflowers
I wanna put them on everything. Even my web browser and phone are currently sunflower themed.
Settling down.
Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first. So lemme explain. I've felt like I've been in transition in one area or another of my life for 3 years. But since my minor early 20's life crisis and coming back to the real world. I feel like I've fallen into place. That spot I've been moving towards for 3 years. I found it. How do I know? Well a million things but mostly I've felt compelled to buy furniture lately... who does that? Grown ups and people who have found a place; I'm the second not the first.
Hence why I want this a lot
like a lot a lot, I'd steal babies for it.
Donald Miller's Blog
Donald Miller
Yes I did plug his blog two posts in a row.
Shakira.
I've always been a little obsessed but I really dig this song and video. I've been in love with the song for months now ever since I bought the CD the play count in my iTunes has been steadily growing.
JJ Heller "You would love me too"
You Would Love Me Too by JJ Heller-You Would Love Me Too
Sorry friends I couldn't figure out how to embed it, but you can click and listen and feel old school because it's on myspace.
Watching the Lord do great things in the lives of friends. I feel so blessed to see the Lord working in my friend's lives, just to be privileged enough to be a part.
Sunflowers
I wanna put them on everything. Even my web browser and phone are currently sunflower themed.
Settling down.
Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first. So lemme explain. I've felt like I've been in transition in one area or another of my life for 3 years. But since my minor early 20's life crisis and coming back to the real world. I feel like I've fallen into place. That spot I've been moving towards for 3 years. I found it. How do I know? Well a million things but mostly I've felt compelled to buy furniture lately... who does that? Grown ups and people who have found a place; I'm the second not the first.
Hence why I want this a lot
like a lot a lot, I'd steal babies for it.
Donald Miller's Blog
Donald Miller
Yes I did plug his blog two posts in a row.
Shakira.
I've always been a little obsessed but I really dig this song and video. I've been in love with the song for months now ever since I bought the CD the play count in my iTunes has been steadily growing.
JJ Heller "You would love me too"
You Would Love Me Too by JJ Heller-You Would Love Me Too
Sorry friends I couldn't figure out how to embed it, but you can click and listen and feel old school because it's on myspace.
Watching the Lord do great things in the lives of friends. I feel so blessed to see the Lord working in my friend's lives, just to be privileged enough to be a part.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
2 hours reading book reviews= Mile long reading list
When I'm in school I do a lot of reading most of it is meaningless to me because I don't care about the formation of planets and such. Other times its just overwhelming because I chose to be a Spanish lit major so I get to play the translation game and read the classics and misinterpret them when I do it without the help of a professor. Anyway I don't read other stuff because I feel reading drained but I've decide that's just an excuse and I can make time to read about other things, for example, I could pick up a few Jesus books and read them. It's always great to add a little outside perspective in life. So while reading one of my favs Donald Miller's Blog. I trapped myself in this 2 hour excursion reading Christian book reviews and now I have a list of things to read. Here are the one's I'm pretty seriously committed to:
At the top of the list: Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson
Permission to Speak Freely is about confessing your struggles to God and to others and finding freedom in it. Partially comprised of Anne's confessions and experiences and the other part is artistic representation of the confessions of others (think post secrets). It's got Essays, poetry, pictures and letters. Sounds like a real winner in my book.
Don't believe me check out any or all of these Essays excerpts from the book on some snazy Christian blog.
Donald Miller (Essay #1 – The First Brick)
***side note 1: seriously if you don't read this blog you're missing out***
Jon Acuff (Essay #2 – The Final Brick)
***side note 2: again read this blog or you're missing out***
***side note 3: I've never read any of these other blogs so I won't try to convince you the you're missing something***
Carlos Whittaker (Essay #3 – Losing Faith)
Pete Wilson (Essay #4 – Finding Love in All the Wrong Places)
XXXChurch.com (Essay #5 – Shattered Pixels)
Catalyst Conference (Essay #6 – Ghosts of Churches Past)
FlowerDust.net (Essay #7 – Listening)
Forgotten God- Francis Chan
A follow up to Crazy Love. It's about the holy spirit and how as Christians we have a tendency to neglect the power of the holy spirit.
Fatherless Generation- Dr. John Sowers
Fatherless Generation is a hard-hitting, descriptive look at this issue, showing how awareness, compassion, and mentoring are the keys to writing new stories of hope.
(I stole that description I liked the way it was written)
Practical Theology for Women- Wendy Horger Alsup
Alsup writes about applying theology to the everyday life of women. Plus the cover is pretty and yes I judge my books by the cover.
A Christian Manifesto- Francis Schaeffer
What happened to American Christianity. The country was founded on it but today humanism and consumerism drive our country. Schaeffer explores that and calls Christians to change it.
I just bought this one yesterday before I spent two hours
Crazy Love- Francis Chan
Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts — it's falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love, as Francis describes it, you will never be the same.
Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.
(I stole this one too)
Others that interest me:
Gracias- Henri Nouwen
Mere Christianity- C.S. Lewis(seriously how do you make a to read list with out putting Lewis on it?)
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn.... kidding I'm not going to read that... it was just funny.
Follow me to Freedom- Shane Claiborne
Irresistible Revolution- Shane Claiborne
There you have it. I'm committed. Join me maybe? If not I think I'm gonna post about the books I read. It'll give me extra motivation to read them.
At the top of the list: Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson
Permission to Speak Freely is about confessing your struggles to God and to others and finding freedom in it. Partially comprised of Anne's confessions and experiences and the other part is artistic representation of the confessions of others (think post secrets). It's got Essays, poetry, pictures and letters. Sounds like a real winner in my book.
Don't believe me check out any or all of these Essays excerpts from the book on some snazy Christian blog.
Donald Miller (Essay #1 – The First Brick)
***side note 1: seriously if you don't read this blog you're missing out***
Jon Acuff (Essay #2 – The Final Brick)
***side note 2: again read this blog or you're missing out***
***side note 3: I've never read any of these other blogs so I won't try to convince you the you're missing something***
Carlos Whittaker (Essay #3 – Losing Faith)
Pete Wilson (Essay #4 – Finding Love in All the Wrong Places)
XXXChurch.com (Essay #5 – Shattered Pixels)
Catalyst Conference (Essay #6 – Ghosts of Churches Past)
FlowerDust.net (Essay #7 – Listening)
Forgotten God- Francis Chan
A follow up to Crazy Love. It's about the holy spirit and how as Christians we have a tendency to neglect the power of the holy spirit.
Fatherless Generation- Dr. John Sowers
Fatherless Generation is a hard-hitting, descriptive look at this issue, showing how awareness, compassion, and mentoring are the keys to writing new stories of hope.
(I stole that description I liked the way it was written)
Practical Theology for Women- Wendy Horger Alsup
Alsup writes about applying theology to the everyday life of women. Plus the cover is pretty and yes I judge my books by the cover.
A Christian Manifesto- Francis Schaeffer
What happened to American Christianity. The country was founded on it but today humanism and consumerism drive our country. Schaeffer explores that and calls Christians to change it.
I just bought this one yesterday before I spent two hours
Crazy Love- Francis Chan
Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts — it's falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love, as Francis describes it, you will never be the same.
Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.
(I stole this one too)
Others that interest me:
Gracias- Henri Nouwen
Mere Christianity- C.S. Lewis(seriously how do you make a to read list with out putting Lewis on it?)
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn.... kidding I'm not going to read that... it was just funny.
Follow me to Freedom- Shane Claiborne
Irresistible Revolution- Shane Claiborne
There you have it. I'm committed. Join me maybe? If not I think I'm gonna post about the books I read. It'll give me extra motivation to read them.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Joy even when I've lost all my socks.
Ever encounter something that brings you so much joy that you want to dance and everything you experience for the rest of the day is tinted in rose? I felt like that today for the first time in 2 weeks. If I've told you in the past two weeks that I was fine, I lied. I'm sorry for lying to you. I like to pretend to be okae sometimes especially when I'm falling apart. BUT
I started my day with this:
I promise there will be joy at the end of this post. I just have to walk through how I got to dancing and joy after being home for 2 weeks as of yesterday.
I've been dying inside a little since I've been home from my internship. I've felt all alone and helpless. Since I got back all I've wanted to do was buy a plane ticket to South Carolina and go home. The adjustment has been rough, I didn't expect it. I didn't think it'd be easy in fact I knew it wouldn't be. I spent 3 months in a bubble where God challenged and pushed me daily; He moved me forward leaps and bounds in my life and my figuring out who I am. Seriously even the suckiest things that happened while I was gone were completely good for me because I learned from them. He even called me by name from a tree (the story is for sure in the top 3 coolest God moments of my life permanently). I decided before I drove out of the gate and down camp road that I wouldn't go back to the same place I'd been in before I left the valley for the summer. As I drove down Perkinsville Rd I took that moment to pray that God would show me how to apply what I had learned in the summer and that he would go before me and make sure that I didn't go back to where I was before the internship.
The closer I got to the valley the harder it was to breath, partially because the closer you get the hotter it is, mostly because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't go back to my parents house where I lived all last semester for the first time in almost 2 years because I couldn't bear to be a part of something I don't respect, I couldn't bare to witness the damage, pretend with them any more that nothing is wrong with our family. So my best friend took me in. Then my car broke no more than 2 miles from my parents house and I knew my dad was home but I couldn't call. I realized that if I choose not to pretend with my parents then I choose to be alone. I choose to not have a family to support me in Phoenix and this is when the dying amplified. I know he wouldn't have been very helpful but he would have picked me up even if he didn't want to he'd have done it because I'd have cried. But I couldn't call so I didn't and I didn't cry either; I wasn't strong enough to cry. I felt more alone in that moment then I've ever felt, even at my lowest point I'd never felt that alone but I also didn't feel back then I just existed. I prayed more vigorously every day after that, the prayer that I'd been praying since I found out about everything happening in at "home". I prayed that God would give me peace and be release me to go home to South Carolina so I wouldn't have to be alone...
But when you're called by God, He doesn't just let you go he implores you to be obedient to his will.
Yeah I could leave but the more I prayed the more I felt like God would just draw me back here if I did. So why leave? No point if I'm coming back so I stayed here hoping I was misinterpreting and relentlessly asking God to let me leave without a bungee cord to make me bounce back here to which He continually said no.
The Joy: My day in rose.
I started by having a dance party because I was filled with joy and energy. Then I listened to a killer podcast sermon on being a missionary while I actually did something with my hair because I cared. Checked my facebook and recieved facebook love. Left for class and texted my lovely friend friend Ashley Blount, who also offered me a chance to be her roommate, all the way there. Then I went to class and both of them were great. I learned new words in Romanian, I love learning words and speaking and taking notes and everything about language acquisition. New favorite word chinez- pronounced KEYnez which is why I like it KEYnez is fun to say. Then Julie read us semi-dirty joke in Romanian for this website. I'm sure that the ones she didn't read were actually really dirty but I can't read Romanian so I don't have any idea what they were like. In Spanish lit 425- my professor walked in at 1:44, who does that? 1 minute away from having no class. But oh well it was a great lecture on something I never read because I still don't have the book (I wasn't buying books if I was running away). However I actually engaged in conversation in that class with the people around me pre-class and during the lecture. Which I've yet to do because I've been sulking almost every second of everyday. After class I returned a missed phone call from Orbi that just made me feel useful again, it's humbling to be out of the loop but it's also precious when someone chooses to bring you up to speed. Then I found a little hole in the wall sushi spot with take out. Decently priced and delicious, Sushi Time Rural and Baseline. Ate my sushi while watching a Che Guevara documentary and then my two of my best friends loved me and Bri watched TV with me even if it was terrible and a mindless waste of my time. Then Ryan called me, and made me laugh because he's a stalker and I'm a horrible cynic.
I said all of that to say none of it matters much in the grand scheme of things it was a bunch of little things that made me happy but had today been yesterday I wouldn't have cared it wouldn't have been noticed. I wouldn't have found joy in a single second. I would have sulked and begged God for the 13 millionth time to let me go back to South Carolina and be with my family and live in my room. But because the idea of "trusting in the Lord, the Rock eternal" bought me joy as soon as I opened my eyes before I even got up and brushed my teeth. Today everything was in rose, everything was good. Good happened with God's help and he made even more good happen in the world for bazillions of other people but you can only see it if you choose to. I chose good today. Trusting in God today allowed me to choose good.
I know that I am called to be here, so it will be good, not perfect but good and I have to choose to see that. Maybe one day I'll go home, maybe I'll get to be around family again but I know that if I don't it'll okae. I just have to choose to trust that this is supposed to be my home and do what it takes to make it feel that way for me because for now and this is where I belong where I'm supposed to be. I feel it deep in my heart I've felt it since the beginning of the summer, I've yet to trust it though. I'll get there but for now at least I'm done sulking about being alone I find ways not to be alone and when I am I'll still be with God so not alone. P.S. I learned that this summer and somehow still missed it.
Message of it all: Choose to trust God in your life and choose good in your days.
Just a little idea of where this came from:
My feet were cold and somehow I've lost all of my socks except one pair, blue and green stripes but they're latex free... so score! I'm not mad either I don't care. Had I looked for them yesterday the world would have been against me when I didn't find them but today I'm grateful for the one pair and my Young Life sweatshirt. Because I remembered my verse and I don't think the world is out to get me because there is good to be seen.
So I'm gonna watch an episode of True Blood and go then go to bed.
Please listen to Ingrid and share some of my joy
I started my day with this:
Before I even got out of bed and it changed everything about my day and my life quite frankly.Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."
I promise there will be joy at the end of this post. I just have to walk through how I got to dancing and joy after being home for 2 weeks as of yesterday.
I've been dying inside a little since I've been home from my internship. I've felt all alone and helpless. Since I got back all I've wanted to do was buy a plane ticket to South Carolina and go home. The adjustment has been rough, I didn't expect it. I didn't think it'd be easy in fact I knew it wouldn't be. I spent 3 months in a bubble where God challenged and pushed me daily; He moved me forward leaps and bounds in my life and my figuring out who I am. Seriously even the suckiest things that happened while I was gone were completely good for me because I learned from them. He even called me by name from a tree (the story is for sure in the top 3 coolest God moments of my life permanently). I decided before I drove out of the gate and down camp road that I wouldn't go back to the same place I'd been in before I left the valley for the summer. As I drove down Perkinsville Rd I took that moment to pray that God would show me how to apply what I had learned in the summer and that he would go before me and make sure that I didn't go back to where I was before the internship.
The closer I got to the valley the harder it was to breath, partially because the closer you get the hotter it is, mostly because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't go back to my parents house where I lived all last semester for the first time in almost 2 years because I couldn't bear to be a part of something I don't respect, I couldn't bare to witness the damage, pretend with them any more that nothing is wrong with our family. So my best friend took me in. Then my car broke no more than 2 miles from my parents house and I knew my dad was home but I couldn't call. I realized that if I choose not to pretend with my parents then I choose to be alone. I choose to not have a family to support me in Phoenix and this is when the dying amplified. I know he wouldn't have been very helpful but he would have picked me up even if he didn't want to he'd have done it because I'd have cried. But I couldn't call so I didn't and I didn't cry either; I wasn't strong enough to cry. I felt more alone in that moment then I've ever felt, even at my lowest point I'd never felt that alone but I also didn't feel back then I just existed. I prayed more vigorously every day after that, the prayer that I'd been praying since I found out about everything happening in at "home". I prayed that God would give me peace and be release me to go home to South Carolina so I wouldn't have to be alone...
But when you're called by God, He doesn't just let you go he implores you to be obedient to his will.
Yeah I could leave but the more I prayed the more I felt like God would just draw me back here if I did. So why leave? No point if I'm coming back so I stayed here hoping I was misinterpreting and relentlessly asking God to let me leave without a bungee cord to make me bounce back here to which He continually said no.
The Joy: My day in rose.
I started by having a dance party because I was filled with joy and energy. Then I listened to a killer podcast sermon on being a missionary while I actually did something with my hair because I cared. Checked my facebook and recieved facebook love. Left for class and texted my lovely friend friend Ashley Blount, who also offered me a chance to be her roommate, all the way there. Then I went to class and both of them were great. I learned new words in Romanian, I love learning words and speaking and taking notes and everything about language acquisition. New favorite word chinez- pronounced KEYnez which is why I like it KEYnez is fun to say. Then Julie read us semi-dirty joke in Romanian for this website. I'm sure that the ones she didn't read were actually really dirty but I can't read Romanian so I don't have any idea what they were like. In Spanish lit 425- my professor walked in at 1:44, who does that? 1 minute away from having no class. But oh well it was a great lecture on something I never read because I still don't have the book (I wasn't buying books if I was running away). However I actually engaged in conversation in that class with the people around me pre-class and during the lecture. Which I've yet to do because I've been sulking almost every second of everyday. After class I returned a missed phone call from Orbi that just made me feel useful again, it's humbling to be out of the loop but it's also precious when someone chooses to bring you up to speed. Then I found a little hole in the wall sushi spot with take out. Decently priced and delicious, Sushi Time Rural and Baseline. Ate my sushi while watching a Che Guevara documentary and then my two of my best friends loved me and Bri watched TV with me even if it was terrible and a mindless waste of my time. Then Ryan called me, and made me laugh because he's a stalker and I'm a horrible cynic.
I said all of that to say none of it matters much in the grand scheme of things it was a bunch of little things that made me happy but had today been yesterday I wouldn't have cared it wouldn't have been noticed. I wouldn't have found joy in a single second. I would have sulked and begged God for the 13 millionth time to let me go back to South Carolina and be with my family and live in my room. But because the idea of "trusting in the Lord, the Rock eternal" bought me joy as soon as I opened my eyes before I even got up and brushed my teeth. Today everything was in rose, everything was good. Good happened with God's help and he made even more good happen in the world for bazillions of other people but you can only see it if you choose to. I chose good today. Trusting in God today allowed me to choose good.
I know that I am called to be here, so it will be good, not perfect but good and I have to choose to see that. Maybe one day I'll go home, maybe I'll get to be around family again but I know that if I don't it'll okae. I just have to choose to trust that this is supposed to be my home and do what it takes to make it feel that way for me because for now and this is where I belong where I'm supposed to be. I feel it deep in my heart I've felt it since the beginning of the summer, I've yet to trust it though. I'll get there but for now at least I'm done sulking about being alone I find ways not to be alone and when I am I'll still be with God so not alone. P.S. I learned that this summer and somehow still missed it.
Message of it all: Choose to trust God in your life and choose good in your days.
Just a little idea of where this came from:
My feet were cold and somehow I've lost all of my socks except one pair, blue and green stripes but they're latex free... so score! I'm not mad either I don't care. Had I looked for them yesterday the world would have been against me when I didn't find them but today I'm grateful for the one pair and my Young Life sweatshirt. Because I remembered my verse and I don't think the world is out to get me because there is good to be seen.
So I'm gonna watch an episode of True Blood and go then go to bed.
Please listen to Ingrid and share some of my joy
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