Late night reflection.

I was rather productively doing my homework and then I experienced something first hand that thus far has only been mentioned to me by others and my heart breaks because of it. My heart is heavy about it. I'm not angry or upset just heavy hearted and sad.

I feel compelled to write about it while Nelly Furtado plays in the background. I'll finish my homework later. I don't have to sleep I'll live on energy drinks and coffee tomorrow. I'll eat some bread.

First confession: I've stolen things in my life mostly for the rush other times when I couldn't believe that I was going to be provided for but it was when I was young and dumb. But I've taken what wasn't mine before. More recently rather than taking what isn't mine I've schemed hard to keep what I think is mine.

It took me a long time to forgive myself for all of it. To let go of the guilt and disappointment. It took what seemed like even longer to accept grace and find comfort in God's provision. If I've learned nothing else in my early 20s its that God provides but I now know that God disciplines too.

Romans 8:28-"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

Definitely didn't expect this life lesson to come full circle so quickly.

Do you know that God gives to the faithful? Those who surrender and trust him? I didn't, well I did it's all over the WORD but I didn't really know it personally until something happened to me. I call it the last two years of my life. At the end of the Summer of 2010 I found myself driving down the mountain from the LC to no home. I can't tell you how desperately wanted nothing more than to not come back to Phoenix I felt like I couldn't make it here like there was no way for me to survive. I thought for sure I'd be sleeping in my car for a while. I came back here because I felt God was telling me to give him two years in Phoenix and let Him work. I didn't trust that God at all I just did it anyway though. I didn't think he would give me a home, a job, a decent life, I didn't think he'd clothe me or put food on the table but despite my distrust He did He did it all repeatedly. However, for a whole year I still felt lost, homeless, and poor when I always had a roof over my head, just enough food to eat so that I didn't starve, I even had a job; I still just never felt like it was enough. My "not enough I need more" mentality cost me two really good friends because I was too caught in me to see that I was hurting them. If either of you happen to see this I'm really sorry. I don't know how to apologize better than that yet but I'm hoping God will open those doors me one day and allow me to ask you face to face for your forgiveness. A word to you from me: Don't lose good friends for something stupid. It isn't worth it. Just in case I'm not being blunt enough here I'm talking about money, I don't get that stuff and up until 2010 my parents helped me with everything. I was on my own for pretend if I messed up they fixed it but in 2010 I opted to go solo, cold turkey. I just didn't know how to be wise with what I had, granted I don't have the best role models for money management but we're talking about me not my Dad and Step-mom. In 2011 for a while I had two jobs I thought it was going to help. I didn't need two I just couldn't quit the other one I felt like I need to clutch it so I could clutch the dollars it provided. All it did was make me feel crazy and raise my anxiety level through the roof I couldn't breath some days figuratively most days but every once in a while literally. I never stopped moving but I wasn't doing anything. I was sad all the time and I lost track of everything that was important to me: school, my ministry, my family, my friends and truthfully I lost sight of God. I didn't do my homework, I didn't study, I didn't take my time to take care of the things I needed to take care of I was always sad and I felt lonely. I was unsettled in church because I wanted to ask someone there for help but I didn't know who to ask. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and every night I asked God to help me but I never let him help me. (side note for you: During that time I know for a fact that God never ever left my side. Deep in my soul I know it, I've told one maybe two other people this but I'll tell you know... in my darkest time God woke me up every night for over a month and asked me to pray for this one specific person. In the time I was most lost, He called upon me to pray for someone other than myself. I'll probably never know why I was praying for him but he need prayer and God asked me so every night like clockwork I pleaded to the Lord for his protection, for strength, for guidance and whatever else I could think of for him. I know for me it was a time that God wanted me to know he was near and I think He chose to call upon me to intercede for someone else so I'd feel Him. Win-Win for everyone.) I should have asked for help but I didn't know who to ask, and in my head it was always one more day, one more week, but weeks became months and I was exhausted. In my chaos I never saw that God let me do it and when I couldn't do it anymore on December 30th, 2011(my birthday) my Father stepped in. I didn't know then but that morning God had me choose, He had me decide. Was I going to lie to myself and scheme and not trust him or was I going to give way to his will and trust that He can take care of me?

I can be darkly prideful. Too proud to fall and too weak to know I've already fallen.  When God asked me to chose, He showed me a lot. See He'd been providing for me even when I hadn't trusted him to provide for me. In the past 5 years I've never ever been homeless when I easily could have been. I've barely made rent often but never have I been in the streets. In 2010 I was jobless for 6 months, not consecutively, but none the less that's half the year. I could have been on the streets with nothing but a backpack but God provided for me a place to go every night that was safe even if it was just a couch I was safe. In 2011 I had two jobs but I still always had nothing because I wasn't faithful to the Lord. I didn't go to school because I was sad. In that time all I wanted was someone to walk with, someone to point me back to Jesus so I could see, because my vision was so blurred. I kept asking but the more I asked the less I felt cared about and the more I shut down until I stopped asking. I was mad about all the wrong things. They were my scapegoat. What I really wanted was for someone, anyone to do was ask me directly to my face "Christina do you trust God?" and when I said, "yes" I wanted them to say "Christina do you really trust God?" to which I'd have again said "Yes." So they'd ask me one last time, "Do you really truthfully trust God?" and then I've have responded, "No," and break into tears. Through my tears I'd have said "I've lied, schemed, taken what wasn't mine, and even worse withheld what was God's all in the name of "providing" for myself, I've hurt others and robbed them in many ways but the biggest way being that I didn't trust those around me who love me to be a part of my life to let them in and ask them to help me. I was too prideful to ask for help so instead I sinned against them."

I never stopped seeking the Lord during this time it was just never clear to me where He was. I was reading scripture and praying and listening to sermons on podcast, I was even going to church I was just unsettled because I couldn't see. I couldn't see what I know now. I was in his hands always. He was always beside me. I needed to trust that He'd provide for me. That God is Jehovah Jireh, his name means PROVIDER and that all over scripture He gave to his people and provided for them and his people took so He gave some more but they turned away, they sought other Gods, each other and even money. Yet God still gave:

John 3:16- "He gave his one begotten Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." 

Eternal Life is here and now it starts right now. There is no need to put hope in some far off life. Live like Eternity is now and we are with God now and turn from fallacies things that can't last to the Father. Recently the Lord has blessed me greatly but only because I have given up my self created chaos and let my Father guide me. The moment I gave up on feeling hopeless and put my hope in the Lord. My vision cleared and God cleared way for me. Things that only the Lord could have done and motivation that only he could have given me. God made way for me to get cleared to sign up for classes, he gave me every single clearance I need, he knocked down every barrier. I go to ASU and so to 7000 other people and in my 5 years I've never seen one seat open on the Monday after classes start in all six classes I needed to be in. I've never seen exceptions made as fast as they were and I've never felt as much GRACE at that university than that which I felt from the people who help me that week they didn't even know me, they just heard me out and helped me. God did that and I'm confident that he did that because I asked and then I trusted Him. That one tangible thing is enough for me. I'm not worried about provision anymore. I was provided for when I couldn't see and I'll be provided for now and in the future too.

Because Jesus died for SIN. You are already forgiven for your sins past, present, and future. No need to crucify yourself for them now, but repent of them and ask forgiveness from the Father, from yourself and those you've sinned against but most importantly accept the GRACE that you are freely given.

One last note on that which breaks my heart. I have OCD (among my plethora of disorders) I'm habitual in my organization of my things they all go in a specific place they have a home so I know what happened, not because I was on alert though I was told, I just didn't want to believe. I know because I would have never left my things the way I found them and because I had literally just touched them right before. I'm not mad upset or angry. I'm sad and disappointed. Know I've already forgiven you. Don't feel guilty or ashamed, I didn't need it, it was gift from someone to me, so think of it as a gift from me to you. I'm just begging you to heed my warning now before its too late.

I hope my story doesn't fall on deaf ears or eyes rather but if it does at least I know I told it because He asked me to.

Keeping my promises

So I promised to write more plus its also a New Year's resolution of mine but  I haven't had any strokes of brilliance.

I did make good on another resolution I cleaned my room!!

It was a hot mess before I'm not even sorta kidding.


That's all I have but I did stumble upon the manliest blog (that calls itself a online magazine but I feel like its a blog so I'm calling it a blog) I've ever seen. There are sections like BACON and GRILLING it's fantastic take a look:

Manliness in 3...2...1... uncrate

2012

Basically I'm a blog flake.
I haven't written anything since... since... well I can't even remember the last time I wrote. So I'm bringing it back. I actually enjoy writing and I dare say I'm pretty good at it. Thus I shall grace you on this first day of 2012 with my New Year's Resolutions (cliche?? perhaps but I have to start somewhere people)


1. Keep my room clean
If you know me well enough to have ever been to my room at any point in history I'm a terrible room cleaner my room typically reflects the slight chaos that I feel in my life so the higher the level of crazy in my life the more clothes I put on the floor. I also have a slight hoarding problem. I keep things until there is absolutely no way I'll need it. So no hoarding, I've been watching that show and it scares me. I will put my clothes away and that's a big deal because I hate folding laundry but I have this theory that should work I'm going to fold or hang it immediately after taking it out of the dryer. Essentially this one is about managing my chaotic life.

2. Read the whole bible.
I'm working on a bible in 90 days plan I'm doing pretty good.

3. Write
I think this one is obvious

4. Live Laugh and Love
Gotta have fun.

5. Return to my life of to do list making.
It helps me see what I need to do.

6. Be stylish
Self explanatory. I'm probably going to start brushing my hair.

7. (always have 7 points you know my rules) Craft my butt off.
For fun, for gifts, for every reason ever just craft, craft, craft, and show it off on my blog. : D


Always
~Christina Alicia~

I went on myspace

My myspace profile still exists... LoL so I went on to just for some nostalgia

I wrote this in 2007:

1. I'm obssessed with using smiley faces at random
2. I'm emotionally charged... my emotions kinda control me.
3. I feel helpless in that.
4. I really like rainy days... even though I get ucky all over my pants and feet
5. I write when I'm full of emotion
6. It seems every time I pull it together I fall apart again
7. Apparently I can't give back a calling... I tried... it didn't work
8. I'm pretty sure I cry way too often to be normal.
9. I still text in class instead of paying attention
10. I want to dance under the stars... I just don't want to do it alone
11. It is impossible for me to walk away from an event not emotionally distraught.
12. I don't like sleeping alone, its not fun when I wake up in the middle of the night and no one is there.
13. I feel like some people say everything without saying anything at all, I wanna do that...
14. People are scary
15. I like them.
16. I'm not so sure I want to be an adult, its not fun.
17. I don't like flamingos
18. Honestly who decided that cleaning wasn't fun... I think they were a liar
19. I like people who look like they have stories
20. I miss working with little kids
21. I like old people...
22. One day I'm gonna be a cool super nice old lady, I'm gonna break the old lady sterotype.
23. I almost wish I could be an old man though, they are kinda fly.
24. I'm gonna make friends with a homeless dude.
25. I think my friends are in their kitchen singing to each other right now.
26. I'm fly.
27. But I could be very wrong.
28. People interacting with each other is hilarious... I decided that right now.
29. I like to drive while holding hands with someone it makes me feel safe...
30. I don't know how though cuz I'm pretty sure it isn't all that safe.
31. Verrado is scary at night.


LoL I was this girl 4 years ago.

Descion making 101

First so sorry my blogging game has been suffering lately due to my crazy life.

I'm back now.

Anyhow this week has been decision making 101. I've basically just been making all kinds of choices. I'm pretty proud of myself so far.

But first Lemme Catch you up on me.

This Summer I was a barista and a "customer specialist" aka cashier. So everyday I felt like I couldn't breath getting up at 4 am an hour that I hate napping going to work at 3 getting to bed at 11 and starting over. Then I was a guest Intern at the beautiful Lost Canyon not once but twice. Both times I felt like I could breath, because I slowed down again. So I was lost and then found and lost again. I impulsively went to El Paso. I was never at my apartment and I learned what it meant to be completely exhausted. I made myself distant so I could think, so I could decide. And now I'm relearning what it means to be obedient and walk away from self created chaos in my life so that I can be a servant. I'm listening to God and I'm forgiving myself. I have to stop creating chaos so that I can hid from situations. Its basically what I do. I know good and well that I had two jobs so that I wouldn't have time to think about other things, that were and still are messed up. Not because I needed two jobs because my God provides and God let me for a little while until he called to me and said stop, when I was so weak that I couldn't resist.

So I'm no longer a barista because it was stressful and even though I liked everyone in the StarBOX. I was told to walk away, in sermon given by a lovely British lady, she said "leave the Starbucks drive thru life" I can only assume that she said because God wanted to catch my attention. Choice #1

So I'm back and I suppose I'm facing my fears. I'm leading YL still. I almost didn't because of me, because of my wants but God isn't done with me yet so I'm back on board and I won't fight who I am and try to be who I think I'm supposed to be I'm just going to do me and Follow Jesus. Even if its twice as scary this time. Choice #2

School isn't lining up perfectly but I believe God will line it up for me. Choice #3

So I decided. :)

I shouldn't be here

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I ended up here, and I know the answer is the hand of God brought me to the place I'm in, but sometimes I fail to marvel at that fact. So I shall marvel here before you friends.

I shouldn't have been born. I wasn't in my mother's life plan she was going to be a nun and sisters of that kind do not have babies. Before she took her vows she wanted to see the world and study in the States (that's America, she's from Trinidad). God wanted me though so low and behold she fell for this guy and got married and she became with child (that's me).

When I was born I shouldn't have survived. I was a premature and I wasn't developing well in the womb to start with so I had some issues but God wanted me so I survived and made my baby body stronger.

I almost grew up in another country, when I was still a little baby my Mom sent me to live with her family in Trinidad, they were going to raise me while she decided it she was moving back... she left my biological father sometime shortly after I was born, I never met him. But God wanted me here in the states so he made her worry about me like crazy and miss me but he called her to stay in the States so I came back.

I shouldn't have had an amazing childhood with a huge and loving family around. It was almost just my mom and me no family because hers is still in Trinidad. But God wanted me to experience that, so my mom met my dad (who is technically my adopted dad but I didn't know until I was 17 but I'll get to that later) and my dad loved me like his own and his family love me as their own.

I still shouldn't have had that though because they got divorced when I was 5. They had every right to not treat me like there own any more. But God had his way and they kept me in fact they took me and raised me, never made me feel like I was anything but a Polite. I was theirs and I still am and they are mine because God gave us to each other.

I should not live in Arizona. It's hot and I'm allergic to the sun and I love water and there is none but God brought me here. The same year I left South Carolina to live with my dad, he got a job in Phoenix so I moved twice that year.

I should not have stayed in Arizona. It's hot and I'm allergic to the sun and I love water and there is none plus I had a dream to attend to. But we've already established that God brought me here. In high school I ran into and fell in Love with Jesus, and Young Life helped me get there. God said stay after I graduated though I had options, I obeyed his word and I stayed.

In my own plan I would not have made it through 3 stretching, growing and learning years on Young Life Student Staff being surrounded by some of the most amazing people. I would not have been forced to face my ethnic background because of Latino Student Staff and I would not have accepted it and embraced it. I wouldn't have met tons of kids who tried my patience but made me love them anyway. I would not have fallen in love with the ministry and I would not encountered God every step of the way.

I should have quit while I was ahead. But God had a plan and this last year has been tough but in everything I have learned so much about God and myself. I think I'm ready for the unknown. I think I'm ready to walk I wasn't at the end of last year, I wanted it but I wasn't ready. That was in God's plan too though it was God's hand that brought me here.

That's how I got here God planned it all along.

PS this is a prelude to my next blog post... stay tuned and while you wait listen to Ingrid

The Call

I'm not who I was. I'm completely redeemed. I'm not the little girl that I used to be, I'm not the rebellious child that I once was. I've been sharpened and extended. I have one purpose in this place and I've know it for a long time. To Love. It's just as much of an action as it is a feeling.

Therefore.

My response is love. When it's not easy I will love. When I feel unloved I will love. When I am lost I will love.

And I will wait, because I'm am not my own and can not direct my own steps.

Presta Atención Niña

I should be paying attention to my professor right now.

But right this moment all I can pay attention to is the realization that God has been speaking to me. I've been trying to decipher the words but it sounds like God is calling inside of a tunnel and my life is too noisy for me to hear his words clearly right now. Right now in this class is the longest I've sat down without an agenda in 5 days. Not the longest I've been still but lately every time I'm still I fall asleep because I'm tired not physically but mentally I'm really tired.

Thinking is tiring. Thinking while calculating the chaos around you is even more tiring. However, in the chaos that I've created to stop myself from thinking... God is still talking to me, calling me.

In subtle ways.

A week ago I went to my dad's house, and sitting on the kitchen counter plain as day was my purity ring. Please note that none of my things are anywhere in that house in plain sight also note that I took off in an small act of defiance during a hard time almost exactly a year ago. (side note: serveral months ago I decided to put it back on but I couldn't find it and then I searched for another one but nothing felt right on my finger. Was this a sign? I think yes.)

Last Friday a guy came through the drive through at work and he paid for the drink of the person behind him... the woman behind him almost cried right in front of me when I told her that he said "I want you to have a good day" and then paid for her drink and snack. Her reaction was beauty in my chaos, even more beautiful is that he'll probably never know how much it meant to her.

Last Saturday at my other job a guy came to my register and decided I looked like a girl who knew the bible and said to me, "when you get a chance read Jeremiah 33:3" so I did...

Jeremiah 33:3 - Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

Today I was aimlessly browsing facebook statuses to pass the time and once again God called. God often asks me the same question and tends to use every form of communication possible to ask it, today there it was in a friend's status. "Why are you dying to fit in, when you were made to stand out?" I'm too different to be a background person. Not because I don't want to be because believe me if I could blend I would... I've tried it does not work at all. I'm just not supposed to blend into the background God tells me that all the time. I'm meant to stand up and let Christ's light shine through me.

In my chaos God is calling. These little moments lead me to believe that everything is going to be okae. Friends, I'm not a fighter typically I'm more of a walk away when it gets tough kind of girl but for the first time in my life I want to fight, I just want to push and push until I'm heard. I want to keep asking until someone answers me and I want to try until I can't try anymore. Right now I feel like a lot of things in life sit in a make it or break place for. If it's a break then let's God's will be done but I'm going to fight to make it. I'll know soon enough if I'm cut out for this forever and if not then its back to the drawing board, I'm lucky that I'm not the artist.


There's still beauty in chaos si prestes atención niñita (if you pay attention little girl)

Remember when I said

That I was going to graduate in December of this year

Well we're back to May of next year. If you're keeping track of my life on a score card, current tally Christina 0 Indecision 5.2 million. I'm really indecisive about most things. So I went to see my academic advisor today I needed someone to help me figure out what to do and well even though there are a zillion students at ASU, and I have my beef with that; I must say that my academic advisor is fabulous. I've actually managed to have the same advisor for 4 years, which is near impossible at a school as large as mine. So whenever I go in he know what's up and is ready to help based not only on his knowledge of ASU related things but of me too.

I went in to discuss the dropping of my minor. Not what happened.

I walked away with my minor in tact and I picked up a certificate. To make the extra year worth education, my problem was I didn't want to pay to be half time two semesters in a row, but if I could be full time without wasting time taking fillers that's AWESOME! Plus the fillers that I thought I was wasting my time taking before actually apply to the certificate I picked up and that's even more awesome!

So all in all awesome! I'm officially committed to being a college graduate in the Class of 2012.

Is God Sending Me Messages via Jon Acuff

I'm human so I think the world revolves around me. It doesn't but I think it does so when I read a blog post or listen to a sermon by anyone that completely reflects my head space I automatically think the author of what I just heard or read is stalking me.

My favorite blogger, Jon Acuff, is stalking me.

You can read his post here also feel free to read his blog regularly. Excuse me while I go get on his promotions team because I'm always telling someone to read his blog or books.

In the event that you didn't follow the link allow me to display the part of his post that I want to talk about.

Exodus 6:6-8

"I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment. I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the Lord.”

Look at what he says:

I will bring you out, I will free you, I will redeem you, I will take you as my own people, I will be your God, I will bring you to the land I swore, I will give it to you.

Seven times, in three verses, God reminds the Israelites and us that he never calls us on adventures alone.

The above excerpt from the bible and Jon Acuff commentary shall serve as proof that I no longer have to drag my feet.

God will decide what I'm going to do for the rest of forever. I don't have to he's already done it. There will not be fireworks and Vegas lights around my path, but I'll find it. I just have be obedient to God's unfolding will for my life.

Put It Into Serious Consideration

So we all know I'm dragging my feet in life. I'm Miss "I was on track to graduate but I declared a minor because I got scared and didn't know what to do after I left Young Life staff and I let some people make me feel impractical for being a Spanish major so I declared an equally as impractical minor so I would have time to think" LoL. Dang I have a long name.

I'm on a slow hike I'm just taking my time, stretching, sitting down for breaks, looking at all the flowers and smelling each individual one. I don't feel prepared for the next step in my life so I've been making sure to take as long as possible so I have taking extra time so I can over analyze every last option. However the following has recently occurred to me...

God is bigger than me.
I don't know how many times God has proved said(I now think of my friend Lizz every time I use that word, that way) fact to me but seriously how many times has God shown up in my life and told me "Christina, stop trying so hard I'm bigger than you and I can do it, let me do it." Its been pretty often my friends, honestly I can't count them but just think about how many times our God has told you that same thing and then feel free to multiply it by some astronomical number that's how often God has reminded me that he is a big guy.

I'm putting some things into serious consideration.
1. Graduating in December. Every reason I have given myself to rationalize graduating next spring just seems sillier and sillier everyday the only real reason is that two of my classes aren't supposed to be taken at the same time, but I'm sure I can get an override if I needed it.

2. Grad School
I do want a masters degree and what better time than the present. I could use my time and energy towards a more practical degree.

3. Seminary
If I'm really honest with myself this is actually what I want to do. Ministry has my heart. The only thing in life I like as much as sharing the Gospel is small children. Perhaps I shall go to seminary and then share the Gospel with small children.

4. Interning
This idea may have been planted in my head. Through conversations with some people whose opinions I value. However I did always say that I would intern with some organization internationally when I graduated. I'm a Spanish major for crying out loud. Also I've been thinking about Interning for Young Life, property and field just in case you were wondering. There are things I love about both and I wouldn't be opposed to either. And again if I'm being honest with myself this is what I want to do too. I could go Seminary while interning nothing to stop me there, I'm sure some killer AD would take me under their wing and not only allow but encourage me to attend seminary. Just saying.


I don't really know what I'm doing but I'm done dragging my feet time to just run with Jesus and let him decide where I'm going God is big look where he found me and where I am now. Look at people he has made us all to be. Why be afraid of what he has planned for us? Our God is good, and he gives to those who love him and well


I LOVE ME SOME GOD

I have these friends...

I love my friends. All of them, I'm seriously a blessed child because when I think about it. I've had the privilege of being a part of the lives of so many really awesome people. Thank you, God(I'm working on remembering to utter that phrase), for giving me the greatest friends ever. Some of my friends remind me of how lucky I am every time I talk to them. Two of them in particular shall be mentioned here.

The first friend I'll mention knows me, we're the same person and its kind of weird in a way because sometimes we say the same things and have the same ideas. I'm convinced that we're friends because we talk about Jesus and real things but we have fun, make jokes then we come up with ridiculous ideas and theories too. I'm also convinced we're going to be friends forever. What a blessing.

The second friend I'll mention is dope but we weren't always tight. Back in the day we were frequently accused of being fake friends by our other friends. However God had other plans for our friendship and now a days people notice how much we love each other. One of my favorite things about our friendship is that said friend is protective. Sometimes I can sense my friend's annoyance when we talk about anyone who isn't treating me right. Not many people I know are openly protective of me so it's cool. A huge blessing.

I mentioned in another post that I've been wrestling with God and I feel like I have to fight for a lot of things right now. One of which is my ministry. I was lucky enough to get to talk to both of my aforementioned (college word from the lit major) friends today. In our conversations today they reminded me of why I have to fight.

I love what I do. Simple I don't know why I didn't see it on my own. I figured God was up for a wrestle with me, since I typically let things go. But I really really love what I do. I love God and my life as a Christian. I love the Gospel. I love teens and I believe that they have the right to hear the Gospel. Not only do I love ministry but I'm kinda good at it. I forget that I'm good at it. I'm not the best not even close I have a million and 7 things to learn. But I'm good and I have been chosen and because my friends are awesome they affirmed it without even know that they did. Thanks friends for being amazing. Thank you God, for giving me such amazing friends. :)

(Does God get emoticons{fancy for smileys}?)

Wrestle with God

Boys will be boys and occasionally I don't get them. Example wrestling. First, I would not like to be put in a hold by a sweaty person and furthermore I would not like to put another person in any kind of hold and keep them there until they couldn't breath. Boys they're down for that though. Odd. But I have learned that wrestling is biblical, so way to go fellas at least it's in the bible... even if I think you're odd and a little gross.

In Genesis chapter 32 Jacob wrestles with God. That I understand I know the feeling of being in a stand off of sorts with God moves and I submit. But haven't we all try to win. God finds Jacob out in the desert by himself the form of a man (I believe that would be pre-incarnate God as a man, say what??? That's the first thing notice here because the whole bible is foreshadowing Jesus) God grabs Jacob and wrestles with him all night. Can you imagine that? I see it, Jacob was all red faced and snotty nosed struggling to make a move but still holding on and God is cool his hair is a little ruffled but he's ready to move on and he lets go touches Jacobs hip and Jacob is wrenched in pain so God probably goes to get up and Jacob wraps all of his body around God. Arms, legs, head, all of him right around God's leg, you know the way you did when you were a kid and didn't want someone to leave the room. So God says let go and Jacob says not until you bless me. Now here is Jacob probably getting all kinds of knocked around by God but he doesn't let go. Snotty nosed, red faced, and in gut wrenching pain because of his hip but Jacob doesn't let go. Now in my head here I see God looking down at ol' Jakey boy and seeing how bold he was God smiling because his heart is warmed by Jacobs boldness and faith. Jacob believes with all of his heart that God's blessing is all he needs for a better life and of his boldness and faith God rewards him.

What if we were more bold in our dealings with God. How much more would God reward us? Yeah God will the wrestling match but what but what if we kept holding on when we got knocked around? What if we kept going back for more? What if we too said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." I'm going to be that bold in my life with God. I think God rewards that kind persistence I feel like it shows faith. I'll admit that when I get knocked around I walk away, When I get a little scared I walk away. No matter how much I want, love, or want to love something I admittedly will walk away without a fight. If it's too hard then I don't want to do it, if it even slightly ruffles my feathers or steps outside of my box that I live in, I try to hide, God always finds me and pulls me out of the corners I hide in but I do walk away and hide when I get discouraged. Lately I feel like God wants me to fight. With him, with people, with ministry, with friends, with money, with everything, I feel like God wants me to fight. I'm a lover not a fighter but what the Lord wills shall be done. But I think I'm learning that sometimes you have to fight for what you love. So I'm fighting and I'm not letting go until God blesses me, even if I have to pray the same prayer 14 million times and ask the same questions 6 billion times, I'm wrestling with God.

Wrestle with God. There are a million bible verses about asking God and God giving to those who love him, so if you love him and trust him why wouldn't he give good things to you. You just have to be persistent. Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." That word petition, is actually translated as supplication and the root of that word in Greek can mean to beg.(I google stuff now but can't wait to be grown up and go to seminary and study Greek) There you have it Paul says beg God, and I'm almost positive that while Jacob demanded his bless he did it with a tone of begging in his voice. Don't you see him? Eye's closed, body wrapped around God's leg, saying through clenched teeth, "no, not until you bless me," while thinking in his head, "bless me God, please bless me, God I just need you to bless me." Haven't we all said that? Friends believe that God will come through, in Genesis, God is called Jehovah Jireh, it means God will provide, and well God will provide. Think about all the things that the Lord has provided for you already and bow before the Lord in praise and then ask God boldly for what you want. He'll answer.

Summary... because I feel like I was all over.
Wrestle with God, hold on until you get your blessing.
Pray with persistence.
Thank God for what he has already provided.
Believe God will provide again.

Repeat as often as necessary.

Listen to Sufjan.

(irrelevant side note: I love this song sang by anyone but I really love Sufjan's version and if I ever convince someone to marry me this song may play at our wedding... just saying)

Could this class be any longer...

I don't feel awesome right now and this class is dragging... profesor, con tu pelo y barba canosos, no entiendo lo que dice.

So I've discovered the following, in my 3.5 years of college... if you go to class you get a better grade based on 2 thing: you absorb a substantial amount information even if you only listen to every other word your professor says and they think you're trying if you show up to class so they like you. Even though I'm here my professor lost me 25 minutes ago because I have no idea what he is talking about... indians and corn... that's all I got. I'm a visual learner so listening to you chat in this cold room isn't helping me at all... why is it that all my Spanish professors lately are the lecture with out pictures types? If my be on Young Life staff plan for my life fails I'm pursuing Education and I'm I will not sit in a chair and lecture. EXTREME TEACHING (Phillip Nowlin, Desert Edge, circa 04-05) I'm gonna jump on a desk. Mr. Nowlin jumped on my desk one time and ya know what, I will always remember the bourgeoisie and the proletariat for the rest of my life, cuz he jumped on my desk and yelled Christina Poliate (he pronounced my name wrong for a year I never corrected him). Extreme. He also let our class watch Pocahontas one time and that was great.

Other things I've discovered in college:

1. Some how being on facebook can fill a class period but I don't know why I get on facebook... no one ever says anything to me and I'm not clever so people don't read my statuses most of the time... no one comments. And I've theorized that I'm forgettable on facebook, maybe in life but definitely on facebook, but some how it steals away hours of my time... confusing.

2. ASU is odd.

3. Going to college helped me figure out a grand total of nothing about life. I thought it was supposed to help.

Some how this turned into negative Nancy time... changing the pace.

4. I love Thursday... like every other ASU student because no one goes to class on Friday here... they love it for another reason but I love it because historically Thursday is amazing. It started way back in the day when I used to have Wyld Life on Thursday night. Hanging out with my team and loving on our kids it couldn't get any better. I miss those days.

5. I still love Thursday.

6. Parrots now we're talking about parrots... I wonder if I'm the only that is lost. nope there's a girl playing solitaire, she's lost too.

7. Always have 7 points... I'm kind of out of things to say and class is almost over this post doesn't say a lot at all. Oh this week 3 different people have called me smart and I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I'm not dumb and I do know things, but smart? I don't know... plus 2 of the people called me smarter than other people... yeah... I don't know about that.


Ah this class is finally over.

Love me!

Before I go any farther know that I stole this idea from Jon Acuff. I thought his post was funny on Stuff Christians Like, one of my favorite blogs. So because I thought it was so funny that he added his own love languages to "The 5 Love Languages" I think I'll make my own post and do the same.

First you should know that my love language is physical touch, I like to be touched, I feel like people don't like me if the won't let me touch them and/or they won't touch me. I get sad when people don't want to hug me or won't let me stand or sit close to them sometimes. I respect that some people don't like hugs or sharing their space but it still makes me sad. So if you're wondering what to do to show me that you love me then hug me good, like there's no tomorrow.


Five other things that really make me feel loved:

1. Make me laugh. I seriously admire funny people probably because I'm only mildly funny on occasion. Some of my favorite people are the ones that make me laugh until I can't breathe and my face hurts and I make that awful gasping noise that I make when I'm trying to get out of a laughing fit. I love joking around and having fun with people. I love inside jokes that only we get, that's it love me by having inside jokes with me.


2. Tell me something real. I like fun as much as the next girl but sometimes I just like to be real. Occasionally, I just want to talk about honest things. Life isn't all fun and games and well I wanna talk about the real stuff too. So talk to me and let me talk to you too.


3. Stalk me, self explanatory.


3. (the real one) I was kidding about the last one, I was trying to be funny. A serious number 3 is hang out with me. I don't care what we do. I just don't want to be alone all the time. I want to hang out with people it's fun. Call me and say hey what are you doing? Even if we do nothing together, doing nothing with someone is better that doing nothing by myself all the time. Which is what I do most days.


4. Coloring. I color by myself sometimes but I like to color with people and if someone where to indulge that little bit of enjoyment in life I would really like it.


5. Lastly adventure with me. You know how sometimes you want to go do or see something that you haven't done or seen before but you don't want to go alone you want to share it with someone? Yes, that is what I'm talking about, I want to adventure with someone. I like to make memories that I can have forever and when I share experiences with people I never forget it. Like when I found out the old town Glendale existed, I desperately wanted to go look in all of the little antique shops. It took some convincing but I finally got someone to go with me and now every time I drive down there I remember that day. I love moments that become memories.


So friends if you want to love on me you can: hug me, talk to me, hang out with me, color with me or go on an adventure with me, those are my additions to the 5 love languages.


Feel free to copy Jon Acuff and make your own list.

So I'm a little obsessed.

You know how the Old Testament is a part of the bible but it often gets neglected like it's there but people skip past it to get Psalms that kinda thing. You know which books I mean too Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy (yes they're in the correct order) the ones that have long lists... half of Genesis is names that I can't pronounce, so when I read them I spend far more time thinking about proper pronunciation than the lineage that's being laid out before me. What I mean to say is that I rarely hear someone tell me that they were reading Genesis the other day and they were amazed because people aren't just reading Genesis anymore but I'm here to announce that we need to bring it back. Kick it old school. Technically that would be kicking it Old Testament. (If you can tell me what movie I just quoted WITHOUT googling it I'll bake you cupcakes)

**Sidenote** I honestly wish that my life was filled with more moments like this: someone would say to me, "you know what I read in the bible today?" and then they would proceed to tell me about the amazing thing they learned in scripture. **End Sidenote**

But I've been reading Genesis lately and... I'm a little obsessed. I can't get enough of it. At some point in my life I've heard all of these stories but it's like I've never HEARD any of these stories, they're wild. For example: In chapter 17 God changes Abram's name to Abraham. That's it he just changes it right there in verse 5. God is all "no longer will you be called Abram, your name will be Abraham" and shazam God gives him a new identity as the father of a nation. Just like that he's no longer who he was and gave him a new "calling." Whatever Abram had planned for his life didn't even exist anymore, his goals, aspirations, desires, all gone because Abram didn't exist anymore. Wild.

Wouldn't it be great if all of us of could just have new names when one part of our lives was over? When we're done living in the mistakes we made when we were 17, when that one incident our freshman year of college no longer commands how we feel about ourselves, or when we're done believing the lies and letting cynicism control the way we interact with the world? What if when God came in and freed us from all the junk we got a new name? 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "If any man is in Christ he is a new creation the old has gone the new has come." But man wouldn't it be so much easier to believe that we are new creations in Christ, when we accept him if we got new names when we did it? It would be like the FBI witness protection program but better it'd be the God protection program.

Think about life. You are free! Go Ahead figuratively or actually(because that's really bold and I'll support you) declare a new name for yourself God already has.



more to come Genesis is too good to not blog about.

Metaphorical Umbrellas

Everyone knows that I love a good metaphor. Just in case you hadn't noticed I'd like to point out that I'm the girl that disguises talk major life opportunities as rain jackets in department stores when I write.

So this morning at Church the sermon was about being Empowered for Ministry.

**side note** I have this one theory that the pastor has been following me around and basing his sermons off of the things that are going on in my life. I've spent a considerable amount of time developing this theory... my second theory is that I'm just hearing God calling to me more lately because I'm not a stubborn child with her hand over her ears anymore(embracing my age)... probably the first though.**end side note**

There was a metaphor in the sermon and of course my ears perked up. The Holy Spirit is like water raining down on the people, but some people never feel the presence of the Spirit because they're standing under an umbrella.

HELLO!

Come out from under the umbrella and feel the Holy Spirit rain down. Be empowered by the Holy Spirit, love like Jesus because the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on you.


Isaiah 61:1-2

First Post of 2011!!!

Ah I've been a blogger for a year. :) Exciting! 2010 was such an amazing year. I don't know how anything can top 2010 so I'm showing up to 2011 with no expectations.

Things I am committing myself to

1. BLOGGING! I'm so terrible at updating this thing but I'm going to do better. I promise friends I'm going to do better.

2. Taking pictures... I need to document my life better how am I ever going to remember all the things we say and do in these days. All the places I've gone? The things I've done how will I ever remember in 2 weeks much less 4 years? Plus I'm planning on living this next year up I'm almost out of college. Who knows what's next for me. I'm gonna live like I'm dying.

3. No not literally dying but dying none the less. I would say the most interesting thing I learned at the end of last year was that I need to die to myself to be more free. Free to live my life the way it was intended to be. So yeah I'm dying more and more every day.

4. I'm going to read more this year I love books I love being cozy and reading books. I love pages and pictures and words. I love words. I really do.

5. I'm reading the bible more, I just started a reading plan that will take me through the whole bible in by my next birthday. I've read it all but over time never straight though in a close time period so I'm on it and excited.

6. I talked to my Grandma a few days ago, I'm not saying what we talked about because I don't want to spoil it but just know that I'm super duper excited. The woman has some amazing intuition and when she says things it's real and sometimes things in my life don't seem real until I tell her. So just know I'm excited and I can barely contain myself... but I'm being patient.

7. Of course I make commitments in 7's it's my favorite number. I'm seizing every opportunity before me that I can and praising God for all of my blessings. Every day I'm praising God.


So bring it 2011 let's see what you're made of.

It's my Rain Jacket.

Ever have a day that you think you'll remember forever because it was just a really good day. Nothing out of the ordinary but just really good? Today was one of those days for me.

1. I woke up and it was still dark in my room. Which meant OVERCAST but oh no I walked out and it was raining. First and foremost I love any excuse to put on my fly green rain jacket and wear it all day but when it rains and I don't look stupid, don't get me wrong I don't care if I look stupid, its just that I prefer to look prepared which I do when it's raining.

2. I saw Jesus a lot today. I feel like He might have been screaming at me so I would actually see him. I saw you Jesus. I know it's my rain jacket, that made me see Him, it has powers.

3. I got to hang out with like a million different people that I love today. Had some really good conversations with Jocelyn, Sarah, and Aubrey. Ate pizza and wings with Oscar, Rikki and Aubrey.

4. I went to campaigners for the first time this semester and Kim asked me to share the Word. Which was extra fun. Glendale/Apollo girls are a blast. I Love Love them.

5. Oscar Adame said this to me today too: "I RSVPed for two... I always RSVP for two."

6. Aubrey said something funny... I was gonna quote her... I can't remember.

7. I seriously loved today! I telling you friends, it's my rain jacket, I feel it in my bones. (LoL old ladies say that)

Silence is Golden

So I had a really crappy week of considerable misfortune. I'll spare you my sob story; just know it was depressing. So today I didn't have to work, and last night I hit a wall and because all of my firends are either gone or busy, I'm alone. Speaking of I think I've had the loneliest year of my life, that I've been aware of. Every other time in my life that I've been lonely I've been in some kind of disfunctional place so I don't remember feeling to well, its a blurr. But I think I'll remember this year for the rest of my life because God has put me here for me to remember the feeling, all of the feelings, all of the things I've trapsed through the walls that have been knocked down. This has been a transformational time for me. I'm close to being 22 and I'm not who I was a year ago. I'm more raw a lot more vulnerable and the weird thing is that I'm vulnerable and willing to share that. I used to try and be cool and not say anything but I'm feeling too old to be cool now.

I haven't spoken a word since 6 pm last night, excluding saying hi to an old professor looking dude. So correction a whispered "hi" is the only word I've spoken since 6pm last night. This morning I spent 5 hours in my closet, in the dark. I'm weird, I know but it was too bright in my room for me to meditate, the light was distracting. I spent the last 24 hrs. deep in prayer and trying to assess my life the past 3 years. I realized that I've spent a lot of time trying to do things myself. It's exhausting to say the least. I'm tired. I'm worn out trying to be responsible for myself. Trying rise above the tragic story that is my home life, trying to look like I have it together, trying to hold myself together. GAH it's hard. Seriously its hard, I'm a mess. I'm a mess of a person and I've discovered that I NEED God. I always knew that I needed God but seriously I NEED GOD. My current silence has shown me that I have to get up daily and recognize that I need God in every corner of my life. Even the neatly tucked away messes that I tend to ignore. I have to unwrap them and let God in.

My series of unfortunate events this week feels like a life time of doing it myself catching up to me. Years and years of God saying, "Let me do it Christina." Then me saying. "No I got it God see. See I can do it, I can get it together, I got it God, don't you worry about it." Wrong I don't have it. I don't have anything, I can't do it. God can do it; I can't... seriously how many times do I have to say it before I realize that God means it about everything? There's nothing too small or to big for the Creator of the Universe.

Funny how the things I heard God speak to me when I was at Lost Canyon this summer keep coming up. No more walls, break them all down. Welp I'll call keeping a mess tucked away and saying I got it God a wall and in my 24 hours of silence, prayer and fasting it's been knocked over. I'll continue my self-created solitude until I have to go to work tomorrow so that my reflection and wall busting up settles in before I embark on my chaotic life again.

Silence is Golden.