I think a lot and lately I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a woman... don't worry I didn't miss that day in health class. I mean what's our role in this world, from the time I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed I'll have been hit with a million images of women and normally I pass over it in a way I've had my battle with the lipstick models and airbrushed perfection so it doesn't phase me any more. Except lately I've been painfully aware of my "femaleness" <--- that isn't a word... but I have and I've really been pondering it a lot lately. For as long as I could remember I've always been a subscriber to the girls can do anything guys can do mentality. We just do it differently and sometimes one of us can do it better but everyone has their talents, and I thought the rest of the world was with me but I guess not. I have aspirations in my life and I have goals things I want to do. But for a while now I've been doubting my ability to achieve any of it because of what I see around me, it makes me wonder if I should even bother. I'm ambitious or at least I used to be but my heart doesn't have the will to fight for things sometimes because I look around me and I wonder if this is my place? I look at so many male dominated fields where I feel like no one is fighting for women to get in women included.
I was taught that I could be anything I wanted to be and when I was little. For a while, I wanted to work at McDonald's... I liked the fries don't ask questions I just thought I could have all the fries I wanted if I worked there and that sounded like a good idea to me because my immigrant mother didn't let me eat fries. Then my grandma told me aim higher, so I wanted to be a doctor. That's right no middle ground for me Mickey D's to doctor's degrees. I had a plastic doctor's kit that I took everywhere with me and I was always checking the heartbeats of my baby dolls... that don't have heartbeats but I always swore that I heard it, oh imagination. Then I went to Washington DC for first the time and I toured the white house... and I wanted to be the President I was determined too, it started this pretty long process of me being involved in various student councils in my various schools. Then I grew up and realized 1. I hate McDonald's except they have good coffee and sweet tea. 2. I hate science because it's secretly math. 3. I hate politics because some people will never learn. So now what am I going to do with myself (and I bring it full circle, I do not digress my friends... I've always wanted to say that and be serious). I don't know if I can follow my passion because I don't know how I fit in and I'm not exactly sure what my role is a woman or if that even matters really whether or not I have femaleness <--- still not a word.
So I walk away. I'm a perpetual quitter these days. But I've never felt so marginalized in my entire life. It's never mattered to me what color my skin was or whether or not I'm a girl but after 21 years it's all I think about all the time. I'm seeking answers and I don't know where to look really well to the Lord but I don't really know how to start that process. I know I love what I do but I don't know if it loves me back and I don't know if I can handle that. I know deep down that I'm a good leader but I don't know if other people see it and that rocks my confidence it shouldn't I feel like all other people see is the outside, this young girl. I can stand to do a lot of learning I'm not naive enough to think that I don't have things to learn but I do know things too. I just don't feel like I have the right setting to show people any more and I don't have the heart to fight for the opportunity because it hurts too much because its become so easy to blame the lack of opportunity on who I am... the things that I can't change about me.
I'm going to the Young Life Women's Retreat next weekend of I'm going to help out and do sound for the program team (how exciting, I've never done it before and I love new things). I've been to the women's retreat before and it was pretty killer. I'm pretty excited because maybe right now what I need to is to be surround by women for a weekend. Maybe it'll shed light on this whole thing for me. I can't help but put a little hope into the weekend. It's overly convenient in timing.
