It's my Rain Jacket.

Ever have a day that you think you'll remember forever because it was just a really good day. Nothing out of the ordinary but just really good? Today was one of those days for me.

1. I woke up and it was still dark in my room. Which meant OVERCAST but oh no I walked out and it was raining. First and foremost I love any excuse to put on my fly green rain jacket and wear it all day but when it rains and I don't look stupid, don't get me wrong I don't care if I look stupid, its just that I prefer to look prepared which I do when it's raining.

2. I saw Jesus a lot today. I feel like He might have been screaming at me so I would actually see him. I saw you Jesus. I know it's my rain jacket, that made me see Him, it has powers.

3. I got to hang out with like a million different people that I love today. Had some really good conversations with Jocelyn, Sarah, and Aubrey. Ate pizza and wings with Oscar, Rikki and Aubrey.

4. I went to campaigners for the first time this semester and Kim asked me to share the Word. Which was extra fun. Glendale/Apollo girls are a blast. I Love Love them.

5. Oscar Adame said this to me today too: "I RSVPed for two... I always RSVP for two."

6. Aubrey said something funny... I was gonna quote her... I can't remember.

7. I seriously loved today! I telling you friends, it's my rain jacket, I feel it in my bones. (LoL old ladies say that)

Silence is Golden

So I had a really crappy week of considerable misfortune. I'll spare you my sob story; just know it was depressing. So today I didn't have to work, and last night I hit a wall and because all of my firends are either gone or busy, I'm alone. Speaking of I think I've had the loneliest year of my life, that I've been aware of. Every other time in my life that I've been lonely I've been in some kind of disfunctional place so I don't remember feeling to well, its a blurr. But I think I'll remember this year for the rest of my life because God has put me here for me to remember the feeling, all of the feelings, all of the things I've trapsed through the walls that have been knocked down. This has been a transformational time for me. I'm close to being 22 and I'm not who I was a year ago. I'm more raw a lot more vulnerable and the weird thing is that I'm vulnerable and willing to share that. I used to try and be cool and not say anything but I'm feeling too old to be cool now.

I haven't spoken a word since 6 pm last night, excluding saying hi to an old professor looking dude. So correction a whispered "hi" is the only word I've spoken since 6pm last night. This morning I spent 5 hours in my closet, in the dark. I'm weird, I know but it was too bright in my room for me to meditate, the light was distracting. I spent the last 24 hrs. deep in prayer and trying to assess my life the past 3 years. I realized that I've spent a lot of time trying to do things myself. It's exhausting to say the least. I'm tired. I'm worn out trying to be responsible for myself. Trying rise above the tragic story that is my home life, trying to look like I have it together, trying to hold myself together. GAH it's hard. Seriously its hard, I'm a mess. I'm a mess of a person and I've discovered that I NEED God. I always knew that I needed God but seriously I NEED GOD. My current silence has shown me that I have to get up daily and recognize that I need God in every corner of my life. Even the neatly tucked away messes that I tend to ignore. I have to unwrap them and let God in.

My series of unfortunate events this week feels like a life time of doing it myself catching up to me. Years and years of God saying, "Let me do it Christina." Then me saying. "No I got it God see. See I can do it, I can get it together, I got it God, don't you worry about it." Wrong I don't have it. I don't have anything, I can't do it. God can do it; I can't... seriously how many times do I have to say it before I realize that God means it about everything? There's nothing too small or to big for the Creator of the Universe.

Funny how the things I heard God speak to me when I was at Lost Canyon this summer keep coming up. No more walls, break them all down. Welp I'll call keeping a mess tucked away and saying I got it God a wall and in my 24 hours of silence, prayer and fasting it's been knocked over. I'll continue my self-created solitude until I have to go to work tomorrow so that my reflection and wall busting up settles in before I embark on my chaotic life again.

Silence is Golden.

OBSESSED

My head hurts from trying to study for this test that I don't really think I'm going to pass... I desperately wish I had been smart enough to withdraw months ago... I'm just no go in test situations, especially when I feel like I don't understand my professor... he's cool I just don't get him on most days. So I'm giving myself a 30 minute break from studying. What a good time to blog!


I'm obsessed with several things in life right now. I want to share.

First: the book of Psalms in the Bible. Such a good read. Today's pick:

Psalm 45

It's so pretty and poetic.

Second: Crazy Love by Francis Chan


This book is so good. Every chapter I read I end up feeling more confident in the way I walk with Jesus and at the same time I feel wrecked, called out and challenged. I don't know how Chan wrote this book but I think Jesus was in the room.

Third: Grape Jelly Uncrustables


Okae so I hate peanut butter, I think it is soooo gross but I love these little things. The peanut butter doesn't matter. I've had at least 1 every day for like a week straight.

Fourth:

Literatura barroca... because that's what my test is on and I spent at least 8 hours obsessively reading about it.


Fifth and Final:
The idea of the fast approaching winter break. Ah I can't wait I so want to have a life again and I want to see my friends and hang out, maybe go to a movie preferably at the Drive In movie theater, I drove by it the other day I desperately want to find someone who it down to go. Plus I'm turning 22 during the break in 23 days. I'll be 22 :) I decided not to cry about it.

Faith and Anxiety

Part of me just likes to write when I don't feel well.

You know how sometimes you go to church and you listen to the sermon and you learn something cool; and then on other days you go to church and you are almost positive that the pastor spent a considerable amount of time stalking you and wrote his sermon based on the things he saw in your life? That's how I felt when I went to church on Sunday.

I haven't really found a home since I moved to Phoenix so I've been church hopping going here and there with whatever friend will let me be a tag along on Sunday morning. The past two Sundays I went to The Vineyard with my friends Federico and last Sunday Alicia, his girlfriend and my friend, was with us too. I've been before but these two times I really learned some cool things that I'm working on applying in my life. I'm a first service kinda girl, it makes a world of difference for me, I hear The Word better.

Back to the story. So I know the Pastor didn't spend the last month of his life stalking me in mine because he was a guest pastor from Michigan. He's wasn't even here in Phoenix long enough stalk me. Otherwise I would have been convinced. The sermon was about calming anxiety with the power of the Lord. He talked about practical ways to calm your heart with prayer. All of us get a little anxious from time to time but some of us suffer from it. I'm a sufferer. I probably should be on some kind of medication but I fear medicating would just make me feel worse so I don't go to the doctor for it. Instead I've developed this long list of coping mechanisms. One thing that wasn't on my list was Jesus. How silly of me. The one thing that should be at the top of every list in my life wasn't on my list of ways to cope with my anxiety. Don't get me wrong I've tried to pray my anxiety away, I've begged on hands and knees to not suffer from anxiety anymore. I've petitioned to God for it to be taken away completely more than a million times I've asked. I've been pray for and prayed over before but it doesn't go away. I thought it did because until this past summer I hadn't had a panic attack due to my anxiety since high school. But alas it doesn't go away, it rests. Like a dormant volcano it rests waiting to be triggered so it can erupt into my life at Universal Studios or some other completely inconvenient place. It just doesn't leave me, it won't leave me, I don't know if it ever will. I desperately wish it would, but Sunday I realized that in the moments that my mind and body lock up from fear I've never asked God to be in it with me. I breathe deeply and concentrate on the rhythm of my every breath, but I don't notice that I'm breathing in The Spirit. I make myself small and think about oceans and I rock as though the waves are causing me to move back and forth, but I don't notice that those are God's waves on His ocean and that he's the one causing me to sway. I don't pick up on the divine all around me. The divine that could calm my heart.


I'm particularly anxious today I don't know what's the source of it and I've never known what sends me from fine to manageable anxiety to full panic but I'll make it through the day walking by faith.

And with prayer
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me, the sinner.

Sometimes I wear my rain jacket when its not raining.

Today I'm wearing my rain jacket. It's not raining and I know that it isn't going to rain. But when I opened my closet this morning I saw the sweet green sleeves peeking out from that back of the closet so I had to put it on. This sweet purchase was made on a lucky day. It's my lucky rain jacket... even though I only have one. Let me tell you how I got it. I was wandering stores in Flagstaff this summer on one of my days off. There's no where to shop in Flag... everyone knows that... but all I wanted was a rain jacket so I could survive monsoon season at Lost Canyon but every store I went in all day I had absolutely no luck. Then I went to the Flagstaff mall... world's worst mall. I walked into this department store to give it one last shot at the door I told myself "this is the last store, if I don't find something I like that is less than $50 I going home without a rain jacket." I walked straight to the woman's outdoors section and there it was, in all of it's lime green glory there it was. I needed it immediately based on the cute shade of lime green that it was but I wasn't going to spend a million bucks to have it. "It never rains in Phoenix, its the desert. I live in Phoenix, I can't justify buying it if its super expensive," I told myself. So I turned the tag.... $29.99 said the tag in red. What??? A fancy smancy Columbia Omni-Sheild rain jacket that retails at $80 was on sale for $30, that's the shopping equivalent of striking oil. So of course I bought it. I'm sure it was on sale because no one wants a lime green rain jacket, but sometimes I like things that other people don't and sometimes I like things that everyone likes. I'm the girl who wears her rain jacket when its not raining and she knows it isn't going to rain. That's just who I am. I just wanted wear it, I mean it doubles as a great wind breaker but it's for sure a rain jacket, and I want it to be a rain jacket.

Sometimes in life we have to walk into a department store and give it one last shot. (come on if you read anything I've ever written you know I like metaphors) Seriously think about it, how many times have you wanted something in life and spent a considerable amount of time pursuing it and then you gave up on it only to realize that you really want it? I bet you can think of at least one time. Maybe you wanted a certain job or a certain degree. Maybe you wanted to go some place or do something. Maybe there's someone you gave up on. No one knows except you and Jesus.

There's this random department store in my life that I'm going to walk into and give it one last shot. I stood at the door but then I got scared and I walked away and I got back in my car. Then I got really scared and I turned on the car to drive away but before I did I tried to get God to tell me my rain jacket wasn't in the store so I could drive away in peace and feel good about it, but I can't get my no. I'm so weird I wanted God to tell me no and he won't, the one time I want a no I can't have it the million times I didn't want a no I got them. That's my God always mixing it up.

I'm not sure how get back to the door or how it's going to go but I'm going to approach the door to the department store in prayer then I'm going to walk in and see what happens. If my rain jacket isn't in there then it's not in there but I'm not going to not walk into the store. I don't know why God won't tell me no, but I'm not interpreting it as yes because I don't hear that either. I just feel like I have to go into the store. I'll never know if it's in there if I get in the car and drive away.


I'm random... welcome to my wild mind.

Too Good to Die.

I'm cleaning up my Facebook. I'm considering a friend purge but I might not do it because one time I got deleted(very justified I'd have deleted me too) and I noticed that said individual deleted me and I was a little hurt(but again it was justified) so I don't want to do that to people.


However my favorite quotes are too good to be gone forever. So they shall live on here on my blog.


LOVE is patient, LOVE is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. LOVE does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Cor. 13:4-7 My favorite verses, ever written.

"Does this mean I'm being deported to hell?" - Alex Barr

Christina: Why don't kids play Ring Around the Rosie anymore?
Rikki: Cause its horrible, its about anthrax.
Christina: No its not, its about the black plague...
Rikki: yeah that's what I meant.

(Please note that in the following Ryan was super sleepy while we were talking)
Me: I'm coloring Samson right now and he looks really fruity because I chose green and orange to color him.
Ryan Guzman: Wait who are you coloring?
Me: Samson you know like Samson from the bible.
Ryan: Wait why are you using green like is his skin green?
Me: No his skin is not green his clothes are I picked green and orange for his clothes.
Ryan: Oh right just to let you know its supposed to be green and purple.
Me: No it isn't who decided that?
Ryan: OH DUDE never mind I was thinking of The Hulk.

"I'm kinda disappointed that you don't live to answer my phone calls... if I ever win the lottery I'm going to pay you to wait around for me to call you." - Ryan Guzman

Rikki: I hate sitting this close to the screen
Rikki's little sister: At least I get to see Taylor Lautner's nipples up close.

"I can't fall if I'm holding him"- Lance Mckee

"FUN NUGGETS!!!... (a lot quieter) I found them" -Me, at Midnight in response to finding dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.

"I don't do drugs I am drugs"- Salvador Dali

Me: "Well you don't want your feet to get wet right?"
4 yr. old: "Well sometimes my feet get wet in the shower"
(I love kids)

"Go fist pump yourself" - Jonathan Michael Rodriguez

"Am I wearing goggles"-Lance Mckee

"Its kinda poetic. lol (I don't know why but I wanted to sound sophisticated hahaha)" -Jonathan Michael Rodriguez



and a couple videos for your viewing pleasure

This one is in Romanian so just watch it and don't worry about the words... she's singing about Santa being there, and that's her (real life) dad and he's telling her that Santa only comes to good kids but she says it doesn't matter if she was good or bad because Santa is already there and she only wants one thing from Santa, her boyfriend Ghita back. Just watch



and a throwback





was Justin serious about that hairstyle?

Arizona Winter I missed you!!

Last night I went to the store with my lovely roommate and I opted to wear my mukluks. I wear them I the middle of the summer, but I love nothing more than to put on my fluffy socks and wear them in winter and since I live in Phoenix I don't have to worry about the fact that they don't have real bottoms. I can wear them anywhere because there's no water here to get them wet. Last night was my winter first.


I'm excited. Expect more of this from me.

Excuse me November when did you get here?

November? Where on Earth did October go? I'm in complete disbelief. This semester is almost over. I signed up for my Spring classes this morning, finals are fast approaching and my life is whipping by me so rapidly. This year is almost over 49 days and it'll 2011. WOW I'm just flabbergasted. It's unreal how quickly time flies. So November marks the beginning of the Holiday season. How exciting! Secretly I love the holidays but secretly I hate them more. I always get homesick this time of year, I want to go home to the South and spend time with my family. Holidays back home are epic events to be remembered. They are the type of get togethers that Hollywood makes movies about. Aunts, uncles, 5 cousins I've never met, babies, old people, food, food and more food, the uncle that drank to much so now he's busy telling the children stories about about when he was a "youngster", plus the nosy Aunt who gossips through dinner and tells everyone her opinion but no one heads it, those people exist in my family. As crazy as they are I miss them. I want to be with them and laugh at them I want to have a holiday with them; I love their eccentricities. So for years Arizona holidays have made me want to become a shut in because I itch for my childhood holidays, I yearn for my family. My Arizona holidays with my Dad, (former Step-Mom), step sister and 3 little sisters have always been slightly tragic, due to the generally extreme dysfunction of our family. We don't do holidays well, we used to pretend and cover up the fact that 3 hours before we sat down to eat someone was picking a fight behind a closed door and someone else had just drank enough to drown most people and that 5 people were secretly dying to just go to the movies and get away from the other 2, but pretending is not an option now-a-days and due to my current state of self declared familylessness(that is not a word but as a woman who gets joy from writing I'm claiming poetic freedom to invent words) here in Arizona.

However as I have chosen to make this place my own and ladies and gentlemen: I do foresee Holiday joy in my near future for I will claim the things that are good. I'm claiming joy for myself this holiday season; no more tragic Arizona holidays for me.

I don't know what I'm going to do but I do know that it will be good and cheerful and involved some kind of joy spreading thing. I think I'm might volunteer some where, spend sometime with other alone people, they'll probably bless me with their presence more than I could ever bless them with mine.


Happy Holidays... and by that I mean Merry Christmas.

Today The Coolest Thing Happened

I go to a huge university, thousands of people go here. Thousands of people walk across the same street I do and onto that same campus I do every day. I don't know how many of them are aware of the people around them, probably not even close to half of them. They pass people nonchalantly and live in their own worlds with their head phones in or on their cell phones chatting. They have no idea who is near.

There is this homeless man that I see sometimes, his name is Richard. Yes I do know his name because I see him. I don't just see the blurred figure of man sitting on a tree stump or bench. I see Richard. I don't know his story, I wish I did though, I wish I were brave enough to invite him to have a cup of coffee with me or a buy him a sandwich and ask him to tell me his story but I think too much about it every time it crosses my mind. The only thing I know is that every time I see him I feel compelled to acknowledge him. I always give him whatever I have on me that I can spare, and on more than one occasion I've offered him my hand and introduced myself. My mother would kill me if she knew that I talk to homeless people.

People don't do that she'd say, people don't meet homeless people and that's true. Most college kids pass by Richard and ignore his low voice as he asks for spare change or walk farther away, girls clutch their purses and guys put their hands in their pockets and walk faster as though he's not there. But for some reason I always see him; I see Jesus when I look at him. I see him as the holy and good creation of that he is. And every time I see him I think to myself what if my Savior were sitting on this corner and I walked by. What if I were sitting on that corner and someone walked by me? So I stop.

Today I saw Richard, he never remembers my name which is fine because I'm not important, but today he remembered it. He looked me right in the eyes and said "Christina right? I went to mass the other day and I prayed for you. God is going to help you." My jaw dropped, I was floored. I absolutely felt God's presence in the moment it was like He told Richard to deliver that message to me. I was so humbled in that moment. Here I was thinking that I was helping him by offering him change and acknowledging him and praying for him on the days that I see him, here I was thinking I was bringing some Jesus into his life by showing him Christ love and come to find out he's been praying for me, and God chose him to give a message, to pour light into my life and not the other way around.

Humbled.

I can't believe the coolest thing happened to me today.

Are You "Foolish" Enough to Follow God?

So I've been thinking for the whole month about missionaries 1. because I was assigned a mini paper deal on a missionary and I can't decide who to do it on. Technically Kathy used the words "heroes of the faith" but any way. 2. because I technically have answered the call to be a missionary as YL leader. 3. I've been thinking more and more about my place in ministry... working in the real world will do that to you. I've been thinking about it a lot and then while reading my daily devotional from "My Utmost for His Highest" which was about being sent by Christ to carry out God's will. This one part really caught my attention:

We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the divine guidance of God being exhibited through childlike people who were “foolish” enough to trust God’s wisdom and His supernatural equipment.

I like to lie to myself and say that I'm wise but I'm really not all that wise. The best decisions I make sometimes are the ones that made the least sense. Sometimes I feel silly for being compelled to do certain things and sometimes I don't do them because I feel silly but lately I'm learning to be more obedient to the things that make me feel foolish. To just go with it even though I'm not the best at it, or let go of something even though I want it, or to hold on even though I wanna let go. I'm compelled by the thought that God's hands are holding me and that He is a zillion times more wise than I am so I trust and follow. I believe in the hands of God that are creating a good work in my life. That's not the person I was in the past but that's who I've become for today and tomorrow and forever. I'm foolish enough to follow Jesus and I feel great that Chambers is down with being foolish for Jesus too.


Are you "foolish enough to follow Jesus my friend?

Wreck my life Jesus

How Oswald Chambers manages to always be relevant escapes me. He wrote My Utmost for His Highest in the 1800's but his writings still manage to wreck my life daily because it's as though Christ whispered the words onto the page himself through Chambers' pen.

Today's Devotion: Impulsiveness or Discipleship wrecked my thinking. I'm brash and pretty impulsive... sometimes I just act on pure emotion. So to that I simply say...

Wreck my life Jesus and teach me to walk in your ways.

So I suck...

Well technically I don't suck. I just don't have internet. I moved on October 3rd... I do things like that... I just up and move some times... actually I don't, I don't ever do that but I do make brash decisions and then act on them quickly most people never even know I was thinking about it. I moved in with my lovely friend Ashley and we don't have internet at home. Which is probably better my room is huge and scary and empty. I've lost all of my stuff that used to populate my life. So I probably won't have internet for a while so my blogging shall suffer. But it's probably best that I don't have internet while I'm getting used to the place when I'm there I'm forced to actually live there and not get lost on the internet. I have to embrace the shadows on my empty walls and faint light that peers from under my closed closet door.


Plus we all know that I spend most of my free time at Grand Canyon University because pretty much all of my friends live there. I should just sacrifice my 3 years of school and start over and go there. I could get the money... we all know I'm not ready to graduate and be a grown up. What's 4 more years of school.... kidding I'm kidding Aubrey Schaffer I'm kidding.


I promise to make October posts about love. I've been listening to some awesome Podcast sermons and I'm learning a lot so I basically have tons to share.

OCTOBER!!

Woke up this morning and thought holy geez wasn't it just January the other day? Didn't I just express how lovely I thought 2010 was going to be and how it was going to blow me away?

RECAP of the Year so far:
January: left my Young Life job and bummed around trying to figure myself out
February: Pushed myself hard through the static
March: Pushed even harder through the static
April-May: Dated a New YL area
May-August: Let God pick me up and carry me away from the static. Left my area. Interned at Lost Canyon where God restored my heart, changed my life, and called me from a tree (I think I've failed to share this story here). I learned so much about myself and people and community, I lived and loved and learned. Even in the hard things in the muck and mire I learned so much and consider it all a blessing.
August: Had a minor crisis due to the shock of coming home and school and not having a place to live, almost ran away but I stayed because I'm called.
September: Fell in love ministry all over again. Realized God is still breaking old habits of mine. Found perspective on a lot of things. Did something so out of character that it was crazy but it felt so good. Really seeking change and newness in my life. I've done a lot of things wrong in my life and now I want to try and do things right.

Wow and the year isn't over yet. Yesterday put me officially 3 months away from turning 22. There are a mere 90 days sitting between 21 year old me and 22 year old me. I can't believe I'm almost that old. I know, I know it's not really all that old, but for me it is. I feel actually feel older now this is the first time ever in my life that I don't feel like a lost little kid. I feel like I'm finally free from my past because I've finally learned from it. I've learned how to accept the things that have happened for what they are.

Who am I going to be in 90 days? What can God do in 90 days? I'm not sure but I'm going to find out. For the next 90 days I'm really going to seek God in some dark areas of my heart because I realized the yesterday that I have this twisted perception of love and relationships.

Sidenote: Not God's love because it's perfect I see God's love everywhere and it's save me way back when I was 16 and trying to figure out what being a Christian was I came across 1 Corinthians 13 and verses 4-8 leaped up from the pages and wrapped around my heart where the words still remain because that day I found what I'd been looking for my whole life. Patient, kind, free of envy, boasting, rudeness, and pride. I heard the love I'd been looking for whisper to me. Since that day I've tried to bask in that love. Sometimes I fail but when I succeed in my life is so sweet that even silence and oneness taste good to my soul. I actually seek to develop the qualities described in 1 Corinthians in my own character, that's why I wear the verse on my back to remind me even though I can't see it others can and that's who I want to be. I know I can't attain it perfectly but I can strive for it in a healthy way. :End Sidenote

My twisted perception is of human love and relationships. I'm a product of a severely broken home. I've carried that around for a really long time. I used to want to just blend in to the background and be as unimportant as my family made me feel. For years I walked around with that in the forefront of my heart. For years I carried this hurt in the form of a wall around my heart. It made me unable to be free and trust people and their intentions with me. God monster stomped the wall down a few weeks ago but it's left me with this desire to repair the damage.

Then yesterday I was presented with this question:

Why are we afraid to ask God for what we really want?

My answer because I'm afraid he'll actually do it.

But I'm in the mood to be bold. So here I go.
In the next 90 days of my life I want God to reconcile my view of human relationships. I want to be shown something, I want to learn sometime, be a part of something that will teach me differently from that which I have been exposed to. I don't expect to be completely reedeemed shoot it took 21 years to get here and the hurt has been forming for 16 of those years so I don't expect to be completely healed in 90 days but I do expect to start the process. I do expect God to show up and I won't write off the idea of complete restoration in 90 days either. God is huge he can do what he wants. I'm just inviting Him in this is His work of art that will not be commanded by my hands.

But I can't just ask if I'm not willing to jump in both feet first and get waist deep in my issue with God in front of me. So amongst my rando blogging this month I'm also going to take time and write about parts of this process. I want to share this with people. I could do it in secret I know I'll write about it even if I choose not to blog it but there something about having it out there on in the world wide web makes it feel like I'm not only professing it to myself and God but the world. I want to profess it to world, shout from mountain tops, so this is my proverbial mountain. Expect it soon! (like today after I take my astronomy test) :)

Don't make jokes about repentence or God will call you out on it.

In my last post I said the following in reference to settling down.

...Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first...

I'm a self defined cynic... well I was a self defined cynic, mostly in reference to people and love. Love stories only exist in books and Hollywood fiction. While I like a good chick flick they're just fantasy to me. Well they were that is. See I'm from a trice broken home and I can provide you with the short list of positive male influences I've encountered in my life none of whom are my father or the men who should have been father figures to me. Also please note that the list doesn't really begin until I was well into high school. Strong women I get.. good men I don't. I grew up with this misconception that men are just trouble there are exceptions but in general men are trouble. I'm also guilty of thinking I'm doomed to be my parents. I'm doomed to run into that guy that's gonna be like my dad and I'll end up a single because I'm divorced, depressed, broken and a mother of 2. So I turned into a cynic. It's been this wall of safety if I don't believe in people and I don't believe in love then I'm safe and secure and you would think that after several years of Christ following I'd have learned my lesson about walls but nope not me, the walls I have left aren't necessarily all that bad in most ways they have protected me from lots of trouble in my life they were effective for a time period and I think God let me have them while he was working some other stuff out for me but now they just hold me back. So God drove it home this summer, NO MORE WALLS. Thus he began breaking them all down.

So after I made my joke that I typically make about being terrible girlfriend material, which I make often, God went right on ahead and called me out. God put Proverbs 31 in front of me, take a minute to read it. HERE

See I read that and realized I'm secretly striving to be that woman. I didn't know I was until I read it though. My actions and desires weren't mirroring my words, but I don't think I had the words to mirror my heart before.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

That verse got me, Proverbs 31:30 grabbed my heart and tugged hard. Cynicism is like the plague. Its starts as a tiny really little spot and then before you know it, it's all over your body and you're struggling to survive because you're 21 and thoroughly convinced that you'll never be married even if it's God's will for your life. Which I was convinced of while hiding behind my cynicism, I was prepared to directly disobey the Lord if need be. (pause that might be a little to real of a statement for some people but it's the truth and I'm about honesty) I know that marriage isn't promised but should it be in God's will for me I was prepared to disobey for fear of destruction. For fear that I'd wind up like my parents. I was fearing earthly things instead of the Lord. Shame on me.

So yesterday morning I decided to repent of my cynicism and the lies I believe in so many different parts of my heart because of it and then last night God tested me and this morning I passed; I said, "God I don't want this because it makes me want to turn around but I want whatever Your will is for me more. So let Your will be done in my life" and then this afternoon he challenged me to submit completely and totally to his will in every part of my life and I've always had trouble with that concept it's always been hard for me. I accepted his challenge and I'm sure he'll test me soon enough and I'll probably blog about it later. So until then...


Let God's will for you life be done too, submit and surrender to his good, holy and pleasing will.

Current Obsessions

Here are some things that really bring me joy right now

Sunflowers

I wanna put them on everything. Even my web browser and phone are currently sunflower themed.

Settling down.
Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first. So lemme explain. I've felt like I've been in transition in one area or another of my life for 3 years. But since my minor early 20's life crisis and coming back to the real world. I feel like I've fallen into place. That spot I've been moving towards for 3 years. I found it. How do I know? Well a million things but mostly I've felt compelled to buy furniture lately... who does that? Grown ups and people who have found a place; I'm the second not the first.

Hence why I want this a lot

like a lot a lot, I'd steal babies for it.

Donald Miller's Blog
Donald Miller

Yes I did plug his blog two posts in a row.

Shakira.
I've always been a little obsessed but I really dig this song and video. I've been in love with the song for months now ever since I bought the CD the play count in my iTunes has been steadily growing.



JJ Heller "You would love me too"
You Would Love Me Too by JJ Heller-You Would Love Me Too
Sorry friends I couldn't figure out how to embed it, but you can click and listen and feel old school because it's on myspace.


Watching the Lord do great things in the lives of friends. I feel so blessed to see the Lord working in my friend's lives, just to be privileged enough to be a part.

2 hours reading book reviews= Mile long reading list

When I'm in school I do a lot of reading most of it is meaningless to me because I don't care about the formation of planets and such. Other times its just overwhelming because I chose to be a Spanish lit major so I get to play the translation game and read the classics and misinterpret them when I do it without the help of a professor. Anyway I don't read other stuff because I feel reading drained but I've decide that's just an excuse and I can make time to read about other things, for example, I could pick up a few Jesus books and read them. It's always great to add a little outside perspective in life. So while reading one of my favs Donald Miller's Blog. I trapped myself in this 2 hour excursion reading Christian book reviews and now I have a list of things to read. Here are the one's I'm pretty seriously committed to:

At the top of the list: Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson
Permission to Speak Freely is about confessing your struggles to God and to others and finding freedom in it. Partially comprised of Anne's confessions and experiences and the other part is artistic representation of the confessions of others (think post secrets). It's got Essays, poetry, pictures and letters. Sounds like a real winner in my book.

Don't believe me check out any or all of these Essays excerpts from the book on some snazy Christian blog.

Donald Miller (Essay #1 – The First Brick)
***side note 1: seriously if you don't read this blog you're missing out***

Jon Acuff (Essay #2 – The Final Brick)
***side note 2: again read this blog or you're missing out***


***side note 3: I've never read any of these other blogs so I won't try to convince you the you're missing something***

Carlos Whittaker (Essay #3 – Losing Faith)
Pete Wilson (Essay #4 – Finding Love in All the Wrong Places)
XXXChurch.com (Essay #5 – Shattered Pixels)
Catalyst Conference (Essay #6 – Ghosts of Churches Past)
FlowerDust.net (Essay #7 – Listening)

Forgotten God- Francis Chan
A follow up to Crazy Love. It's about the holy spirit and how as Christians we have a tendency to neglect the power of the holy spirit.

Fatherless Generation- Dr. John Sowers
Fatherless Generation is a hard-hitting, descriptive look at this issue, showing how awareness, compassion, and mentoring are the keys to writing new stories of hope.
(I stole that description I liked the way it was written)

Practical Theology for Women- Wendy Horger Alsup
Alsup writes about applying theology to the everyday life of women. Plus the cover is pretty and yes I judge my books by the cover.

A Christian Manifesto- Francis Schaeffer
What happened to American Christianity. The country was founded on it but today humanism and consumerism drive our country. Schaeffer explores that and calls Christians to change it.


I just bought this one yesterday before I spent two hours
Crazy Love- Francis Chan
Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts — it's falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love, as Francis describes it, you will never be the same.

Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.
(I stole this one too)

Others that interest me:
Gracias- Henri Nouwen
Mere Christianity- C.S. Lewis(seriously how do you make a to read list with out putting Lewis on it?)
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn.... kidding I'm not going to read that... it was just funny.
Follow me to Freedom- Shane Claiborne
Irresistible Revolution- Shane Claiborne


There you have it. I'm committed. Join me maybe? If not I think I'm gonna post about the books I read. It'll give me extra motivation to read them.

Joy even when I've lost all my socks.

Ever encounter something that brings you so much joy that you want to dance and everything you experience for the rest of the day is tinted in rose? I felt like that today for the first time in 2 weeks. If I've told you in the past two weeks that I was fine, I lied. I'm sorry for lying to you. I like to pretend to be okae sometimes especially when I'm falling apart. BUT

I started my day with this:

Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."

Before I even got out of bed and it changed everything about my day and my life quite frankly.

I promise there will be joy at the end of this post. I just have to walk through how I got to dancing and joy after being home for 2 weeks as of yesterday.

I've been dying inside a little since I've been home from my internship. I've felt all alone and helpless. Since I got back all I've wanted to do was buy a plane ticket to South Carolina and go home. The adjustment has been rough, I didn't expect it. I didn't think it'd be easy in fact I knew it wouldn't be. I spent 3 months in a bubble where God challenged and pushed me daily; He moved me forward leaps and bounds in my life and my figuring out who I am. Seriously even the suckiest things that happened while I was gone were completely good for me because I learned from them. He even called me by name from a tree (the story is for sure in the top 3 coolest God moments of my life permanently). I decided before I drove out of the gate and down camp road that I wouldn't go back to the same place I'd been in before I left the valley for the summer. As I drove down Perkinsville Rd I took that moment to pray that God would show me how to apply what I had learned in the summer and that he would go before me and make sure that I didn't go back to where I was before the internship.

The closer I got to the valley the harder it was to breath, partially because the closer you get the hotter it is, mostly because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't go back to my parents house where I lived all last semester for the first time in almost 2 years because I couldn't bear to be a part of something I don't respect, I couldn't bare to witness the damage, pretend with them any more that nothing is wrong with our family. So my best friend took me in. Then my car broke no more than 2 miles from my parents house and I knew my dad was home but I couldn't call. I realized that if I choose not to pretend with my parents then I choose to be alone. I choose to not have a family to support me in Phoenix and this is when the dying amplified. I know he wouldn't have been very helpful but he would have picked me up even if he didn't want to he'd have done it because I'd have cried. But I couldn't call so I didn't and I didn't cry either; I wasn't strong enough to cry. I felt more alone in that moment then I've ever felt, even at my lowest point I'd never felt that alone but I also didn't feel back then I just existed. I prayed more vigorously every day after that, the prayer that I'd been praying since I found out about everything happening in at "home". I prayed that God would give me peace and be release me to go home to South Carolina so I wouldn't have to be alone...

But when you're called by God, He doesn't just let you go he implores you to be obedient to his will.

Yeah I could leave but the more I prayed the more I felt like God would just draw me back here if I did. So why leave? No point if I'm coming back so I stayed here hoping I was misinterpreting and relentlessly asking God to let me leave without a bungee cord to make me bounce back here to which He continually said no.

The Joy: My day in rose.
I started by having a dance party because I was filled with joy and energy. Then I listened to a killer podcast sermon on being a missionary while I actually did something with my hair because I cared. Checked my facebook and recieved facebook love. Left for class and texted my lovely friend friend Ashley Blount, who also offered me a chance to be her roommate, all the way there. Then I went to class and both of them were great. I learned new words in Romanian, I love learning words and speaking and taking notes and everything about language acquisition. New favorite word chinez- pronounced KEYnez which is why I like it KEYnez is fun to say. Then Julie read us semi-dirty joke in Romanian for this website. I'm sure that the ones she didn't read were actually really dirty but I can't read Romanian so I don't have any idea what they were like. In Spanish lit 425- my professor walked in at 1:44, who does that? 1 minute away from having no class. But oh well it was a great lecture on something I never read because I still don't have the book (I wasn't buying books if I was running away). However I actually engaged in conversation in that class with the people around me pre-class and during the lecture. Which I've yet to do because I've been sulking almost every second of everyday. After class I returned a missed phone call from Orbi that just made me feel useful again, it's humbling to be out of the loop but it's also precious when someone chooses to bring you up to speed. Then I found a little hole in the wall sushi spot with take out. Decently priced and delicious, Sushi Time Rural and Baseline. Ate my sushi while watching a Che Guevara documentary and then my two of my best friends loved me and Bri watched TV with me even if it was terrible and a mindless waste of my time. Then Ryan called me, and made me laugh because he's a stalker and I'm a horrible cynic.

I said all of that to say none of it matters much in the grand scheme of things it was a bunch of little things that made me happy but had today been yesterday I wouldn't have cared it wouldn't have been noticed. I wouldn't have found joy in a single second. I would have sulked and begged God for the 13 millionth time to let me go back to South Carolina and be with my family and live in my room. But because the idea of "trusting in the Lord, the Rock eternal" bought me joy as soon as I opened my eyes before I even got up and brushed my teeth. Today everything was in rose, everything was good. Good happened with God's help and he made even more good happen in the world for bazillions of other people but you can only see it if you choose to. I chose good today. Trusting in God today allowed me to choose good.

I know that I am called to be here, so it will be good, not perfect but good and I have to choose to see that. Maybe one day I'll go home, maybe I'll get to be around family again but I know that if I don't it'll okae. I just have to choose to trust that this is supposed to be my home and do what it takes to make it feel that way for me because for now and this is where I belong where I'm supposed to be. I feel it deep in my heart I've felt it since the beginning of the summer, I've yet to trust it though. I'll get there but for now at least I'm done sulking about being alone I find ways not to be alone and when I am I'll still be with God so not alone. P.S. I learned that this summer and somehow still missed it.

Message of it all: Choose to trust God in your life and choose good in your days.




Just a little idea of where this came from:
My feet were cold and somehow I've lost all of my socks except one pair, blue and green stripes but they're latex free... so score! I'm not mad either I don't care. Had I looked for them yesterday the world would have been against me when I didn't find them but today I'm grateful for the one pair and my Young Life sweatshirt. Because I remembered my verse and I don't think the world is out to get me because there is good to be seen.

So I'm gonna watch an episode of True Blood and go then go to bed.

Please listen to Ingrid and share some of my joy

I'm considering eating meat again

To be clear I'm not actually considering it but I did consider giving of my red meat free diet today. I sorta eat meat but I don't consider fish and foul to be meat like some people as far as I'm concerned meat comes from mammals we can debate that somewhere else if you want. So when I say meat I'm referring to a slab of steak and or some pork chops or bacon...ewww bacon... or something of that nature. Not gloriously seasoned, marinated and grilled chicken or lemon peppered grilled salmon so I'll eat birds and fish but absolutely NO RED MEAT for me. Sometimes I think about being a vegetarian and then I remember what it feels like when my body shuts down because it doesn't have enough protein or I'll think about all the foods I could eat. But on the rare occasion I encounter a meat filled dish that makes me want to throw caution to the wind and eat meat just so I can have it and enjoy it without consequences.

I've been thinking lately I really like food. Eating anything that wasn't mass produced, though I do love the Lost Canyon Kitchen, will do that to you I think. I know someone who shall remain nameless that thinks I'm a picky eater and that I don't really like food. First I'll admit that I am a picky eater but in my defense I think I'm inclined to think some things don't taste good because 1. my mom's pescaterian (she eats fish because it's easy protein) and she has been for nearly 24 years she loves to point out meat's gross qualities and I agree. 2. I grew up in the South. Have you seen what Southern people do to their food?





everything on that plate was brought to you by:




Unless that was plate from my Grandma's kitchen because when I was 7 my grandma stopped using lard in anything she made because it'll clog your arteries and kill you. Oh and a little fyi for anyone who doesn't know lard is just a grocery store word for saturated pig fat. It wouldn't sell as well if you put that on the package. When you grow up eating soul food you have a bias towards things that don't fit in your soul food box also I'm from a small town my options were limited. I'm a picky eater because I'm a victim of circumstances that's all.

Promise I had a point. Every time I eat the food just taste so different. I've noticed it a lot since I've been home. Things I normally eat just aren't as good anymore. I want something more from the food on my plate.

I was scouring the internet and I found what I want in my food.

I want to eat food like this all the time.


grilled PB&J

I'm positive that I'd actually eat peanut butter if it were in a grilled sandwich it'd be all melted and yummy. It's the consistency that doesn't appeal to me.


rice, sesame seeds, eel and a sunny side up egg.

rice for breakfast? Capital Y E S exclamation mark. I love eel it's one of my favorite things to have in my sushi. Eggs are a staple in my world. Granted I've never had the two together but delicious plus delicious is obviously just double delicious.


Pasta dish

Pasta, cheese sauce, broccoli. I think that may be some kind of sausage or ground beef or something in there which I can live without for sure. I'd just leave it out.

Granted I would eat all 3 of those things without having to make a lifestyle switch.

BUT
(and this is what this whole blog was about)

I would absolutely reconsider eating meat for this dish



I'm just so curious about it. It's tofu is marinated in red chili vinaigrette with short ribs are saturated in a red, sesame chili salsa in a corn tortilla served out of a Korean-Mexican Barbecue food truck. Ridiculous and yet I want to eat it. Los Angeles, I dislike you for many reasons Kobe being number 1, but if I ever decide to eat meat again I'm coming for a visit so I can eat this taco.


That is all :-)

How I Spent My Day and The Things I learned

So instead of going to Romanian class today I had to attend to my car. However my car was on the other side of the valley and Pepboys... who are lame all 3 of those character guys LAME... wouldn't release my car to be towed because I had to pay in person... which makes them double lame... who doesn't take payment over the phone?

So I embarked on adventure using the public transportation system provided by the city of Phoenix.

I left at 11:00 (it took me that long to figure out which buses to ride. I got up at 8)
I hopped on the bus then the light rail okae so the first 1.5 hours of my journey were sorta boring. I read some Henri Nouwen:



Great book pick it up.

Then I hopped off the light rail and onto another bus, again sorta boring until I realized I was on the wrong bus. Dear City of Phoenix consider naming you're buses better.

So I had to back track a little get on a different bus where I met a lovely lady who spoke to me in Spanish. I couldn't understand her though cuz it was loud. So I thought oh way out answer what I understood in English and then tell her I don't speak Spanish in Spanish. I was punished for lying because as soon as I told her in my awesome accent(even if I do say so myself), she questioned me "you don't speak any Spanish" to which I was forced to respond, "I do just not well I listen well I just get nervous an I just couldn't hear you before because of all the construction and I don't know that word" *side note* she had a different accent I've not heard before I have no idea where she was from. *end side note* She forgave me and asked with words and hands. Very nice lady.

So on the correct bus now. 1 more switch. So I get off too wait for my next bus and so does this Tata. He was real old and it was awesome. He was even rocking several different fashion statements in one outfit, typical old guy style. Oh I should add highlight of his stylish outfit a trucker hat that was very Ashton Kutcher circa 2003. He talked to me about his fresh white kicks and asked if my feet were hot in my TOMS. I talked to him for half an hour about old people stuff, so nothing really which was okae.


Finally I arrived at my destination picked up my car drove it to the Volkswagen Dealer and left it there. That took all of 20 minutes. Yes I rode the public transportation for 4 hours to do a 20 minute job because Pepboys sucks. So I just left my car because I had another bus to catch to start my trip home. However they were nice at VDub and drove me to the bus stop in Tolleson that I was going to. Which enabled me to catch an earlier bus which enable me to stay out of the dark but caused me to be subjected to white hairy man thighs... gross.

I pretty much read this the whole way home...



(Ah literature you are soooo good.

Thanks Eric Martinez for buying me this book!)


....except for when I almost threw up because a gentleman in the male equivalent of soffe shorts sat across from me and he was hairy and pale and if you didn't know body hair including legs and arms sicks me out in the first place but everyone's upper thighs should be kept a secret. So I got off the bus before I needed to because I was uncomfortable and went to the BK lounge and bought an ice cold Dr. Pepper.



So now for the things I've learned:
1. Bus are great... I don't know where the people who ride buses come from but I feel like I never encounter them in any other part of life.

2. Phoenix is huge when ride a bus if I had a car 1 hour tops but because I did it all walking and on a bus I have a new found appreciation for the city.

3. Men should shave their legs. No one should be subjected to white hairy man thighs.

4. Women should shave their arm pits... don't ask.

5. I really like the light rail

6. Bus drivers are solitary people.

7. Dr. Pepper tastes sooo good after a long day




And for my finale
Wanna you know what 9 hours of bus riding and walking around Phoenix got me?







Sorry Rikki Face if you are reading this

















Please let me answer your questions
Yes that is for real
Yes I am actually that color naturally. I just get dark because I live in Phoenix there is always sun.
I tan easily its a God given gift.
Yes this happened today for the most part I had a little tan from school this week but nothing to serious.
No I will not be wearing sandals any time soon.
Yes I'm submitting it to the TOMS website in hopes that they will put my feet on the internet... not that I didn't just do that.





I'm outie
(sorry I was feeling a little Clueless)

Seriously though gotta read some more Island Beneath the Sea by Isabel Allende... and then watch True Blood before bed.

I rocked so she could hear the Gospel.

Preface
Dear blog world... sorry I suck at updating my blog. I always want to write posts that are a million pages long because I don't update often enough. I promise to get better, seriously I promise.

Chapter 1 (no friends there will not be other chapters I just wanted to write that)

So I'm sitting in the basement of the clubroom at the glorious Lost Canyon, my home away from home and currently my actual home... I'm doing so laundry... which I don't do often enough, so when I do I have to sit and watch it otherwise I'll walk away and forget. Anyway I started pondering my summer and I've realized how great God has been to me this summer. I really feel blessed, all the time, its so amazing to be here and to be a part of something bigger. I know I know I say that every time I go on assignment but its because I mean it. Every little part counts and you never know how your little part plays into the big picture.

Like last night I watched a girl's baby because she was having a hard time and was leaving camp early but she decided that since she was still here she'd go here the message. I encouraged her to go but I think the Lord called her, all I did was offer her comfort by saying I'd hold her baby while she was gone. I didn't do much, in fact I didn't actually do anything... I rocked her baby to sleep and held him while he slept; but while I rocked she was hearing the Gospel. She was experiencing the word of God. So in the grand scheme of things I said to her "go" but He said her "come to me". It's breath taking.

I don't know what the Message at club was I have no idea what the speaker said but I know what she heard. She heard "I love you" God told her that he loves her, he longs for relationship with her and he's waiting for her. I don't know if she even received the message, I don't know if she's a now a believer of Christ, but I do know that a seed was planted. I pray that she waters it.

That's what I'm doing. I'm not just working in the office... well I am most of the time but I'm making way for the Gospel to be heard. I'm also positive that I don't get to do it because I'm worthy, I know it's because I'm unworthy and broken, and I needed to be restored. I know it's because He chose me because I am broken and needed to be restored. Hands down best night of my summer... even if I was mad about it initially because I was supposed to be off (I told you I'm not worthy of this job), I was there I was in the place he wanted me to be when he wanted me to be there. Even if that's the only moment I remember from this summer. It was all worth it.

I rocked so she could hear the Gospel.

I've been reading

So lately I've been reading this book by Donald Miller, first he's one of my favorite authors; second my completely biased opinion is that this book is amazing. I know I have a long way to go in my life but sometimes I get stuck because I don't know what holding me back I'm just too deep in my own mess to actually see the big picture. Donald Miller's books have more then once brought a hidden part of my heart to the surface. Sometimes I have to hear someone else say it before I notice it. Then the healing begins with the LORD and me. I've been praying for restoration in my life and I have a feeling that realizing this is where I start for right now. Bringing this part of myself to the LORD is scary but brings me so much peace and I have no idea why I couldn't see it before and why I didn't sit before the LORD with it before now.

The Book:





The Revelation:
Within the first few chapters of the book I realized I'm fatherless in a very Earthly way. I didn't think about it before now. I have a father but he was absent in childhood and in my more recent years he's really distant, more so a shadow father then a father (just so everyone is aware that is a reference to my fav show Grey's Anatomy you know like Shadow Shepherd as in the not as good as Dr. Shepherd Seattle Grace neurosurgeon... yep same thing). A shadow father isn't like a real dad he doesn't take you fishing or on father-daughter dates and he doesn't remind you that you mean the world to him or tell you that you're pretty and make you feel like you're the most important person in the world sometimes; he speaks to you while walking away, forgets important events and shows up late on your birthday if he shows up at all. When you have a shadow father you occasionally can forget how important you really are. I know I do. I don't blame my shadow father for my pain, I feel like I can't because he's a victim too, and his father wasn't even a shadow in his life. I suppose when you don't have a dad you don't really have the opportunity to learn how to be a dad. Whether or not he's at fault is not the issue at hand... it's the fact that having a shadow father has really broken me. I mean honestly to me I don't really have parents in the first place not in the traditional sense anyway. However my mom and I have come to some kind of understanding about the past and so we're moving forward but it can never be a traditional mother daughter relationship but it is a relationship, but my dad and I don't move in any direction. As a result in my personal life I don't move in any direction. I sit and wait for some kind of affirmation that may never come. I’m seeking some assurance that I might never get.

The BIGGER revelation:
I have reluctance to being in all relationships as well as an intense fear of intimacy. I'm aware I've been painfully aware for a long time but I never could figure out why. I now think it's because I have a shadow father as well as a "doesn't exist as far as I know" father. At several points in my life I've tired to deal with this and thought I succeed it but I only half succeed because I've only dealt with parts of the issue and thought that was good enough. It's not, that is a false assumption on my part on anyone's part really about any issue, if you don't deal with every part of an issue you can't be whole until you allow the entire wound to heal. It was a lot easier to cope with not having my mom around, because I had my Grandma. So I don't feel like I missed out on anything. She's one of the best things to ever happen to me. She was my mom so I don't have that void in my heart. I'm not missing the influence of a mother in my life. I always had one and I have like 70% of a second one and we're working on the rest, all I had to deal with was my hurt from my mom's absence. Hurt and a hole are on different ends of the spectrum. But I do have a huge hole in my heart because I don't know what it's like to have a good dad. Sometimes that affects my relationship with God. That's what I'm sitting before Him with. Sometimes I'm guilty of projecting my lack of expectation of my Earthly father onto my Heavenly Father. It actually happens more often then I would like to admit. Furthermore I'm also guilty of projecting my lack of trust in and my lowered expectations of my shadow father and my "doesn't exist as far as I know" father on every male I encounter. I've built this wall around my heart to keep people out. The problem is that I forgot it was there because it's a recessed wall but now I see that the wall has prevented me for getting closer to God. I've never noticed my distance from intimacy (with people in general not just males) I've also never noticed that sometimes when I fail to trust the LORD its because the image of God the Father sometimes resembles a shadow father in my head. EPIC FAIL on the part of my logic. I've realized that's part of what's going on in my heart right now. God's pointing to the recessed wall that's guarding my heart and saying, "I want in there, that spot right there, I want to tear that wall down and fill that hole that's the part of you that I need to fill to make you whole."

I think sometimes we, as people, are so broken that we don't even notice that we're broken but God knows and it's his desire to heal that brokenness and make us whole and he pursues us so he can heal us and occasionally we become aware of our brokenness while reading Donald Miller in a coffee shop.

As last moments blend into first.

Sometimes you don't know before you do something its going to be the last time and so you don't bask in the moment. The past few months of my life has been full of lasts that I didn't know were going to be lasts. I'm a little sad that I didn't take them in but I'm also glad I didn't know about them at the same time. I'm glad things happened the way they did and those lasts came and went unnoticed until they were gone. As I reflect on them now. I wonder if I could have done things differently but what's done is done. The moments have gone and faded into the past.

I started this blog by saying 2010 was going to blow my mind. So far it has and I'm only halfway in. I did something I didn't think I had the heart to do... I left. It wasn't easy to look at faces I loved and tell them I was leaving but I did because I knew I had to, my lasts were swift I didn't even expect them to be lasts but I know I did what was right. I dated and fell for another place. I found out that if I show up with no expectations the Lord shows up to grab my heart and blow me away and now I'm interning for the summer at the greatest place on earth, Lost Canyon! So my firsts have begun everything is so new and fun in life right now.

A billion things to say

I have a billion things to say. I've done a lot of thinking and had some really dope conversations lately and I've totally reached a few conclusions.

1. I LOVE MY FRIENDS. Old friends, new friends, best friends, soon to be best friends I just love them. That should be a given but I think I may have forgotten just how much I love my friends. I love their shenanigans and the things we do that sorta don't make sense. I love our talks. I love everything about them, even the things that I sorta dislike about them... yeah I sorta dislike things about them but it makes them who they are so I love those things too. A friend tried to tell me that Love it logically but I fail to see that in my life. I think it love isn't something that you can define and put in box... in fact I think the logic that she applied to love just proves that it really is illogical.

2. Running in sandals is hard, bring your running shoes when people want to play abandonment.

4. I need a bike. A yellow beach cruiser.

5. I'm growing up, because I've learned that I can't do things just because I think people want me to. I have to want to do them too.

6. Lost Canyon is the greatest place on earth. Then its Disneyland.

7. I need to go to Disneyland... road trip?

8. This summer will be epicly awesome in so many ways.

9. I'm not dating any more... my mind is made up lol I'm kinda in a relationship now. (no I'm still not dating a person)

10. Hands down my favorite thing about Jesus is that he told it like it was and still is.

Matthew 7:15-23
15 "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23 Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!

There will be a more extensive blog based on this passage to come.

11. I'm a huge fan of office work... need an admin? I'm your girl.

12. One of my besties is awesome but only if he sends me packages in the mail. If not he'll be downgraded to great.

13. I love Lost Canyon... did I mention that?

14. Okae I lied it wasn't a million but it was more than one.

I kinda feel like I'm dating.

I said that to a friend the other day via facebook.

Dear Aubrey(because I know at some point you'll read this :-D), I told you I was going to write a blog with this title. I finally figured out what to write about. I said to myself "Duh I'll just tell the story of how I found myself dating in the first place" LoL so I suppose this one is sorta for you :)

So if you aren't Aubrey and aren't really sure what I'm talking about. I'm not dating a person... I wish I was but alas I am not... I'm exploring my options with other young life clubs. And I feel like I'm dating. Let's rewind a little bit. In January I decided to go off staff and that after May I would not be returning to lead in the area. After a lot of prayer and tons of contemplation. I decided it was the right thing to do. It wasn't easy to reach that decision but the longer I thought about it the more right it seemed. So as I let go of the idea of being a part of the area and began to tell people, slowly but surely I let go. When I decided to no longer be a part of the area in January I thought that meant not doing YL at all. I didn't have a real plan, I just knew I needed to make a move I needed to do something. I still don't have a plan but at least I'm happy. So imagine my surprise at the current situation. I didn't think I would be checking out YL clubs in other areas. Just goes to show I'm not really in charge of my life, I'm just following the Good Shepherd and this is what happens when you walk.

The first person who asked me to lead with them... I laughed at them. It was less of a request and more of a sly suggestion like so "oh you don't know what you're doing? You should come lead with us." so I laughed. I thought he was kidding. Then someone else asked and again I laughed but by the 3rd person I decided that perhaps this is not a joke. I mean I do love leading and I've always felt like I could lead anywhere because the call in my heart has always been to "LOVE" nothing more and nothing less. The Lord has called me to love with everything I am and in all that I do I've known that since I was 16. He actually calls all of us to be a part of the Legacy of Love but it looks different for all of us for me it has a twist. It's funny how He calls the girl who has trouble feeling loved to love others but He's God and can do that. I really can love kids anywhere, so I put some thought into it but then I pushed it to the back of my mind (we all know I'm indecisive... I can't even decide to think).

So here's how I got to here. I made a phone call and the voice on the other end said to me, "Christina! How are you?!.... You know I heard some rumors."
So I thought rumors about me??? and said, "What did you hear?" While still racking my brain about what the voice could have heard.
"I heard you're going to lead in (the area that spreads rumors to voices shall remain nameless here as they meant no harm)"
"Oh that's just a rumor, I didn't say yes, I said I'd think about it and I've been asked to check some other clubs out too so I don't know I'm just not sure."
"Ok, ok but you'd be great anywhere, especially in (the area that spreads rumors to voices shall still remain nameless). But we'll see" and we moved on.

Please note I called the voice about something that had nothing to do with this conversation this is just the first thing that the voice said to me in our convo. So after talking to the voice(I sound like I think I'm one of Charlie's Angels) I texted one of my rumor spreading friends. Who only proceeded to insist we make the rumor a fact. So I decided it couldn't hurt to go see a club. Thus the dating began. I really enjoyed their club. I was planning to be a silent bystander... but I couldn't resist jumping in there and playing games with the kids and talking to them. It's way less creepy then being the 21 year old in the back of the room an 75 times more fun. It was totally different from the things I've done before but I enjoyed the laid back feel. I was then persuaded to attend a team meeting and I really liked that too. Again it was just different, but a really good different. So then I started thinking wait I can't commit yet I don't even know if I'll have time and there's still those other options out there. You know the other fish in the sea. So I've made a couple more "dates" number 3 with my rumor spreading friends (who I suppose in this dating analogy might be courting me by now) and date 1 with another club I heard is doing big things and needs a lady leader (say what??? a need for my femaleness<---which will never be a word no matter how many times I say it, rewind a few blog posts to Being a lady and you'll see why that's funny to me).


So I don't know what I'm doing but I feel like I'm dating Young Life areas. It's allowed and if it isn't who said I had to follow the rules?

I love here.

I've lived in Arizona for 8 years as of this month and May is typically the time of year when I start to think to myself. "I really want to go home" it about to get hot in this valley place and I want out. I always miss spring which in turn makes me long for the way the air smells on a warm summer night. I can't describe it but I love it.

I'm from here.



It's nice. Hay fields and all. LoL

However this year for the very first time I don't want to go home. I'm not compelled to whine about how much I want to go home. How much I miss the grass and water and trees. I suppose maybe I am home. Maybe home is now the brown, dry place with the cacti and dry river beds and amazing sunsets that make my heart melt.



I'm still not from here but I love here. I love this valley place and the heat. I love the cacti and the lack of water. I love the sunsets the most. Its not such a bad place and it only took me 8 years to acknowledge it. Plus there is a zoo here. I love the zoo.

So what's wrong with us?: Take 2-The Arizona Issue

Once again I find myself asking what is wrong with us? Not me or even my friends and associates specifically but "us" as a people group. What's wrong with Americans scratch that what's wrong with Arizonans. Why do we do things that just don't make sense? If we just took a second and really thought it out we'd see how dumb it is. The Arizona Senate has passed a bill AZ SB 1070, it is immigration legislation and basically permits racial discrimination. I'm not a fan of political debate, I know what's going on in the world but I keep my thoughts to myself so as to avoid pointless heated debates because I prefer not to fight with people. So I'll put a disclaimer on this one:

If you are reading this and you are an AZ republican, a supporter of AZ SB 1070 or someone who has ever said the following statement and been serious about it "America is for AMERICANS" then stop reading this post. I love you because I love all of God's people and you are one of them but I don't agree with you and I am going to bash on your opinions for a sec. You're entitled to your opinion but I'm entitled to disagree and put it out there.

Now if you don't know about Arizona Senate Bill 1070 lemme give you a little run down, I researched it this morning and I'm outraged.

1. So first of all the Bill applies to any and all immigrants however this is Arizona... so I going to venture to say I think perhaps the Canadians are safe. That leaves our central American friends to be heavily effected by this potential law.

2. The bill has passed the senate and house on a party vote (Dems voted NO Repubs voted YES) it is awaiting the approval or veto of Gov. Brewer.

3. The bill if made law will allow police with "reasonable suspicion" to question and verify the immigrant status of people they stop for any reason. Also they do not need a warrant to arrest "suspicious" persons they suspect have committed any unlawful act.

4. Being present on public or private land is an offense according to SB 1070.

5. Residents will be prosecuted for involvement in harboring, transporting or the employment of immigrants who are not in possession of the proper documentation. Whether or not the resident is aware of the immigrant's status or not.

6. Specifies that it is unlawful, if a motor vehicle is stopped on a street, roadway or highway and blocks or impedes the normal movement of traffic: a) for a motor vehicle occupant to attempt to hire or hire and pick up passengers for work at a different location b) for a person to enter the motor vehicle in order to be hired by a motor vehicle occupant and to be transported to work at a different location. (so don't pick up Home Depot Mexicans... or black guys... one time I saw a black guy kicking it with the Home Depot Mexicanos. This SB 1070 is bad for everyone LoL but seriously)

So that's a little bit of info on the bill but if you wanna know more Google that there is tons more to read.



I would like to comment on "reasonable suspicion". What the hell is reasonable suspicion to ask someone if they are an illegal immigrant? What make the officer suspect anything. Am I suspicious because I'm Latina and I have brown skin. Because you can not just look at someone and decide if they might be an immigrant unless you consider where they may have originated from. How do you do that? You consider their race. THAT IS RACIAL PROFILE. Arizona are you seriously going to pass a bill and make it law, if it allows racially profiling people? Think about it are they going to pull over the pick up truck with Chihuahua in the rear window or the Lexus with Caucasian female driver? The truck duh. Well what about if you see two individuals riding in a car and they both have brown skin, are they suspicious because one of them could be "smuggling" the other. Should they be pulled over because of it and asked if they're illegals? Are you suspicious for looking a certain way or speaking a certain way. Are you suspicious because of your skin color? I'm sorry is this Nazi Germany? Should we have people sew sombreros on their shirts? Think I went too far with the Nazi comparison? Wrong! Writing this law was too far to start with so I'm taking it there. The Nazi's singled out a group of people they deemed to be lesser people. They passed laws that prevented them from having rights. There was a decree that prevented Jewish people from being in public at certain hours. SB 1070 states being present on public or private land without having the proper papers illegal. They can be picked up and deported for just being. The Nazis did that to the Jewish people, they tried to get rid of them. The only difference here is the fact that we aren't killing immigrants. There is no genocide here but I mean we're standing pretty close to the line. This is how the Nazis started, Hitler didn't kill millions of Jewish people over night, he stripped them of human rights first.

Like I said it applies to any immigrants in the state but if you think about it Europeans blend in, and so do Canadians. Plus this is Arizona, we all know this bill is directed at the Mexican immigrant population.

So I ask, what the hell is wrong with you, republican senators of Arizona? What the hell is wrong with anyone who isn't outraged at this. Dear Russell Pearce(who wrote the bill) Are you smoking hookah with the devil? Seriously is Hitler's ghost whispering in your ear at night because I'm pretty sure this is a really fucking stupid and racist idea. (yes I cussed and no I don't care who knows because I still love Jesus) Who writes legislation that permits the open discrimination on a portion of the population. I don't care if they're illegally here. Further more if you think its morally sound to pass this bill I think you're on drugs because this is bullshit bullshit bullshit... to quote Russell Brand.

There is no way on Earth that this is the best way to deal with illegal immigration. I'm all for reform but I'm against discrimination. This legalizes the open discrimination and it will be based on skin color, race and country of origin. You can't decide if someone is from here unless you ask them because no one looks like an immigrant. We're all born from immigrants even if its been 15 plus generations your family crossed a border to get here unless you're Native American. This bill singles out the Latino population to be persecuted because those are the "immigrants" that are not welcome here. So it is inevitable that people who are legal immigrants or even residents will be affected by this the passing of this bill. There is no way to avoid it no way, unless we write some more specific stupid laws. Like we might as well make them sew sombrero patches to their shirts and so it's easier to decide to check them.

I get it those people shouldn't be here without documentation but they're already here buddy, figure something else out. Give them an option. . Don't deport them for standing in public. Estan locos pinche cabrones? What the hell is wrong with Arizona.

Drinking Kool-Aid in the In-between Place. (dedicated to a friend)

Have you ever just felt just stuck in the in between? The in between isn't a real place its more of a state of mind but I think most people know what I'm talking about because they've been there. It the part of our lives that we feel stuck in transition. You know like right after you graduate high school when you're figuring out how to be a college student, that's the in between. The entire age of 20 is classified as the in between because its weird and spacey and not an adult but not a kid. Like when you aren't quite that anymore but you haven't reached the this yet. I'm a frequent visitor to the in between. I've turned it into a home. I feel like I've been in transition for like 10 years now (not literally). Some new piece is always sliding into the puzzle box and changing the whole picture that I call my life. Sometimes it feels like there's a piece missing though. Like I can't find that one thing or those few things like I've got this absence in my life. An abyss if you would. The thing about the in between is that it can be a black hole if you let it. It can just suck you down this deep dark hole. It's the lack of stability coupled with the lack of knowing. In the in between you never know what's next. Life just comes at you and that my friends is scary. Really, really scary. Sometimes when you're in the in between the following happens.

Your day starts out pretty normal typical things you get ready, shower, brush your teeth, comb your hair or in my case ruffle it up some more. Then it hits you like a baseball bat to the face. You have no idea what going on in your life. You're craving more but you don't know where to find the more you want. Then the bat bearer gives you a swift one to the ribs as you start to think of all the unfulfilled desires in your life. All the things you want, the heart's desires, and the love you're seeking. The pain you're trying to let go and that thing you miss. Next the kneecaps and this one is how you get stuck. You think of all the inadequacies you think you have. All those flaws that most of the time you're the only that sees them. You know that little voice that tells you you aren't enough... enough of this or that, you aren't tall enough or cool enough or smart enough. LIES it isn't true the baseball bat is full of lies. Remember most of the time we're our own worst critics and the batter knows our weak spots. When we let ourselves go and we get trapped in the in between thinking hurts and you want to crawl under a blanket and spend the next two weeks there in your PJ's. I know you know what I mean.

So what do you do? You drink kool-aid. You're favorite flavor of kool-aid (mine is red... lol no not cherry or fruit punch... RED) but you drink it and you reject the scariness and negativity of the in between. Maybe you need a mope day or a free day but you don't get stuck in the hole you drink your kool-aid and keep on trucking. You reject the lies that the batter is hitting you with. Reject the lies and claim the truth. Make the truth yours, the truth is every where and we can always find it and we need to remember that the in between doesn't last forever. Its a temporary state. You just have to survive it.

The Truth

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm, plans to give you a hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

"...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." -Philippians 1:6

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." -2 Timothy 1:7

"And he said, "O man greatly beloved, fear not! Peace be to you; be strong, yes, be strong!" So when he spoke to me I was strengthened, and said, "Let my lord speak, for you have strengthened me."" -Daniel 10:19


Claim the truth where ever you find it. (I stole that line from Rob Bell) Duh there is truth in the Bible that's a given the Bible is truth its The Way but there is truth other places too. Just because it isn't Bible or it wasn't written by a Christian doesn't make it untrue. You've gotta grab the truth and know make it your own. My version of the truth is: life is crazy you don't really know what you're gonna get its like picking names out of a hat. But God is good real good and he has something going on. For example sometimes we(I mean me) feel bad about the way we look we(I still mean me) think that we should look like what society tells us we should. Then some creeper at the gas station tell you you're pretty. Even if he's creepy that's kinda nice. That is truth. You're awesome the way you are so whether you hear it from the gas station guy or some creepy lady in who tells you in Spanish(that was for the fellas) You're awesome! God made you awesome.

The sucking part of the in between happens because the batter knows our weak spots and how to hit them. But we've gotta look at the positive. We've can't think about what we don't have but remember what we do have. We need to remember that we have someone who loves us and we have friends who are there for us and they love us too. Even when we think we aren't making an impact we are because sometimes we never know how we touch the lives of those around us. We may never know but that isn't a reason to stop living like we do. We don't let ourselves get stuck. Everyone has bad days but the bad days don't last forever. The in between is temporary. But we have to go there to get to the next place. We have to wade through the blackness but we aren't alone and that makes the black hole conquerable.

The Lord has a plan a good plan he's the master planner, be confident in his plan and the work he is doing in you, do not be fearful but live with power and love, love God, love his people, love yourself, love his people. You too are His beloved so be at peace.

Crossing lines and people quitting.

I quit a person. I did it because I just don't agree with some people. So I quit this person because I think we'll never agree. I may have quit other people before but this is the first time I consciously decided I quit you, person. People just don't agree I know you know what I mean. For example when this guy in my class said he thinks communism is a good idea and held firm to that belief and insisted on debating it. Even after I explained how counter intuitive to human nature it is and it can't work because it's a Utopian ideal and Utopia is impossible to achieve and without sounding like a bible thumper I tried to explain it’s because of sin without saying “Utopia can’t be achieved because there is no perfect society with sin in the world you big dummy.” But that guy just kept going and explained all the things he thinks would be better if the U.S. was a communist country. Don't misinterpret the following because I'm pretty liberal… but no one in their right mind agrees with that guy (p.s. if you do happen to agree with that guy, well I don't agree with you either. Read a book or look into the history of Russia or Romania or any country that was part of the Soviet Block for that matter). Say what you want about me. I just know better than to think everyone can be satisfied being "equal" and under the thumb of an ideology. So sometimes I want to kick that guy in the shins but I don't I just laugh at him and walk away. Mostly because I think that guy isn't worth my time, he's stubborn and because I don’t care about that guy he’s a lost cause to me. Something I shouldn't even bother with... well as far as debate goes that is. He’s a library Marxist and deserves to live in Russia (credit the second half of that statement to my quotable professor). Can I apply that to anyone I don’t agree with? The laugh and walk away because I don’t care about you because you’re a lost cause attitude.

Obviously it works with silly things like political debate but what about the million other things in life? I mean, I know that no one expects everyone to believe the same as them on every single issue ever thought of but where do we draw the line? When do we say "you and I disagree on some pretty important things, I think we should just agree to disagree and leave it there never to be revisited because I'm done with you." Is that even right? Can I do that? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. I used to believe that people could be incredibly different minded but still come together and do things but I don't know anymore if it’s true. I used to think you had to agree on the really big things and then the petty stuff that you disagreed on would just pass. However I think you have to agree on that too. You have to agree to let the petty stuff go. It just isn’t worth it and I think both parties have to agree about that. I think it’s the little things that divide a group. I think people forget about the important things that brought them together in the first place and they forget that they’re supposed to be different and that was the cool thing they had going for them and the dwelling starts. The passing just does not happen.

Specifically here's why I think that...
Not too long ago I found myself in the midst a pretty deep debate about something and I stood in complete disagreement with someone. It was stupid. I really felt like it was not a big deal. It was a difference and I felt that it should have just been let go. I felt the discussion should have been over before it even started. What was said should not have been said. Hence why I was ready to fight it was too far and it kept going farther to me. When it was brought up I found myself infuriated because it was even being discussed. So much so that I knew I could start a fight about it. I could have defended what I believed in from here to next month I was prepared to fight. In the beginning I was burning with desire to crush the other person to defend what I believed… then I realized, I'd been in that place with that same person before. This time I probably could have hit with some heavy blows and won the fight too. But I didn't, I just did nothing. I did nothing because as soon as I assessed the situation I lost the will want to fight. I just didn't care enough to fight with them. I cared enough about what I was ready to defend but I didn't care to waste my energy on the other person because I felt it was a lost cause because they were being pretty damn petty. Not to mention I felt that the other person crossed a line and I didn't want to cross it too. So I put my hands in my pockets and shut my mouth. Then a few hours later after some contemplation I quit that person. Can I do that?

Is that where I draw my line, when it isn't worth fighting for anymore? When someone isn't worth me fighting with any more? When I've completely lost the will to fight? When I encounter a lost cause for me... because I'm human... God can salvage anything and everything but I can't I don't have that ability. Things will be beyond my ability to fix at some point. Is that the line? Can I quit people when I reach that line? Can I quit them when I realize that we're different but we can't be alright with those differences we have to dwell on them and cross lines? Say things we shouldn't? Judge others? Can I quit that person?

I don't know if I can; I'm not even remotely sure that it's allowed...

but I quit a person.