So I had a really crappy week of considerable misfortune. I'll spare you my sob story; just know it was depressing. So today I didn't have to work, and last night I hit a wall and because all of my firends are either gone or busy, I'm alone. Speaking of I think I've had the loneliest year of my life, that I've been aware of. Every other time in my life that I've been lonely I've been in some kind of disfunctional place so I don't remember feeling to well, its a blurr. But I think I'll remember this year for the rest of my life because God has put me here for me to remember the feeling, all of the feelings, all of the things I've trapsed through the walls that have been knocked down. This has been a transformational time for me. I'm close to being 22 and I'm not who I was a year ago. I'm more raw a lot more vulnerable and the weird thing is that I'm vulnerable and willing to share that. I used to try and be cool and not say anything but I'm feeling too old to be cool now.
I haven't spoken a word since 6 pm last night, excluding saying hi to an old professor looking dude. So correction a whispered "hi" is the only word I've spoken since 6pm last night. This morning I spent 5 hours in my closet, in the dark. I'm weird, I know but it was too bright in my room for me to meditate, the light was distracting. I spent the last 24 hrs. deep in prayer and trying to assess my life the past 3 years. I realized that I've spent a lot of time trying to do things myself. It's exhausting to say the least. I'm tired. I'm worn out trying to be responsible for myself. Trying rise above the tragic story that is my home life, trying to look like I have it together, trying to hold myself together. GAH it's hard. Seriously its hard, I'm a mess. I'm a mess of a person and I've discovered that I NEED God. I always knew that I needed God but seriously I NEED GOD. My current silence has shown me that I have to get up daily and recognize that I need God in every corner of my life. Even the neatly tucked away messes that I tend to ignore. I have to unwrap them and let God in.
My series of unfortunate events this week feels like a life time of doing it myself catching up to me. Years and years of God saying, "Let me do it Christina." Then me saying. "No I got it God see. See I can do it, I can get it together, I got it God, don't you worry about it." Wrong I don't have it. I don't have anything, I can't do it. God can do it; I can't... seriously how many times do I have to say it before I realize that God means it about everything? There's nothing too small or to big for the Creator of the Universe.
Funny how the things I heard God speak to me when I was at Lost Canyon this summer keep coming up. No more walls, break them all down. Welp I'll call keeping a mess tucked away and saying I got it God a wall and in my 24 hours of silence, prayer and fasting it's been knocked over. I'll continue my self-created solitude until I have to go to work tomorrow so that my reflection and wall busting up settles in before I embark on my chaotic life again.
Silence is Golden.
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