Dear (insert noun here), you're awesome!

I've been spending a lot of time in this secret garden on campus. Its really pretty cool it used to have this trippy telepathy ball but it doesn't any more just trees, grass and some flowers now-a-days, but its cool because it doesn't look like Arizona in the garden so it's like and escape from the world so I like to hang out there, by myself of course. I hate being alone and I spend a lot of time alone when I'm at school. Its really obnoxiously lame but what can I really do about it right. While I was alone in the garden today I starting thinking about all the way more awesome things I could be doing and the awesome people I could be hanging out with instead of sitting alone reading a book that I don't understand. But then I took it farther to amuse myself in my head I wrote awesome things and people little letters. I wanna share them... maybe you'll get a shout out. :-)

Dear Frosted Flakes, you're awesome! because you're tasty
Dear Sushi, you're awesome! because you're delicious and fun to eat.
Dear Japanese guy who invented sushi, you're awesome because you invented sushi
Dear Grey's Anatomy, you're awesome! because I can never get tired of watching you.
Dear Ugly Betty, you're awesome because I enjoy watching you too.
Dear Rikki Garcia, you're awesome for being a bestie and also for following my blog
Dear Aubrey Schaffer, you're awesome because you're probably going to read this blog
Dear McFadden's you're awesome because "Philly" Joe works there.
Dear Blackberry, you're awesome for being a sturdy phone

****Dear John Mayer, I'm in Love with you!****


I hope he googles himself and somehow comes across that statement
Now back to the list

Dear inventor of solitaire, you awesome in a life stealing way because I spend way to much time playing that on my iPod.
Dear Urban Outfitters, Levi's and Forever 21 you're awesome because you make and sell cool things that I like to wear.
Dear Target, you're awesome because I can spend hours at you. 
Dear Mac, you're awesome just for being you.
Dear Ryan Guzman, you're awesome for listening to me when I choose to whine or have a lame story to tell.
Dear Grandma, you're awesome for a bazillion reasons.
Dear Friends, you're awesome for being friends.
Dear Kaleidoscope, you're awesome for being my new car.
Dear Andre Cabrales, you're awesome because you're fun and you know everything and you get me un-lost... often.
Dear books that are good, you're awesome because you're fun to read and good.
Dear Joanna Cuamba, you're awesome because you're a negrita and I laugh every time I think of that.
Dear Young Life kids you're awesome because I never have to go anywhere(except school) alone because one of you is always down to go with me.
Dear people of the world, you're awesome because I like to people watch, and you are entertaining.


and last but certainly not least


Dear you, yes you, the one who's reading this right now, you are awesome! Just because too, there's no special reason. You're just all kinds of awesome and I just wanted to tell you.

So what's wrong with us?

I'm in class... you don't have to say it, I know I should be paying attention but I've just got get this out there I just watched this documentary (side note: why am I the nerdy girl who loves documentaries?) So this documentary was loosely about the experiences of women during the Ceausescu Era in Romania.

**If you don't know the was the period in which Nicolae Ceausescu was the president of Romania. He was the a communist dictator he ran with the worst of them he was Hitler with a twist of Stalin, the only reason we Americans don't talk about him in history class is because he reserved his violence and abuse for his own people and we're just a touch self involved. Which is what this is about.**

During his "Presidency" Ceausescu made some pretty heartless decrees, but one in particular has captured my attention he outlawed abortion. Methods of birth control were already scarce in the country, were also outlawed. So what's a couple to do? They couldn't prevent pregnancy and they couldn't end an unwanted pregnancy and mind you these people were already living in poverty without having another child to feed. Women were subjected to invasions of personal privacy they were forced into submitting to examinations so that the government could be sure that they were pregnant, and if they weren't then they were subjected to questioning about why they weren't pregnant. Ceausescu was rationing milk and at the same time forcing women to have more babies and spread the milk thinner. So what did these women do? They risked losing their lives to get back alley abortions even if they survived they risked getting caught and being jailed and dying there. The point of me telling you this is that the Romanian women were violated. And it started with outlawing abortion but passing that one law was like turning on a facet and leaving it running eventually the basin is going to fill and the water is going to spill onto the floor and before you know it your house is flooded. You can't just pass laws and not enforce them right?

At this point you may wonder where I'm going with this so enough expository information. What is wrong with this country? What is wrong us as a people group? Why has no one here bothered to take a look at what happens when someone makes a laws that invades the privacy and/or infringes upon the rights of others? All you have to do is look into the not so distant pass(this all happened in the 80's in Romania) of our neighbors to see what can happen when someone(or some people) think they can tell other people what to do with their bodies. So why the H. E. double hockeysticks do we even debate making abortion illegal? Why do we waste our breath? Like I said you can't make a law and not enforce it... if its illegal, how do you make sure people aren't doing it? You check and how do you check? Well then how far is too far... random checks? I mean honestly any mandatory "checking" is violating the woman being checked... why should someone else get to decide what are we going to revert back to the days when women didn't have any rights? Okae then like I said what is wrong with us?

I just mean that sometimes we argue things that make no sense. Yes the circumstances in Romania and the circumstances here in the US are different. I get that in this country is a religiously charged issue but really I just want someone to point out how this debate is productive. God doesn't love Romanian women less because they had abortions and God won't love American women less if they do.

I just keep thinking how far is too far and who gets to decide, and I mean it with everything not just abortion... I just used that to make my point. Everything... marriage, gay marriage, invading other countries playing "peace keeper", outlawing this or that, discriminating against these people or those people, building walls at our border, pumping crack into the hood(blame it on Reagan), overlooking schools in the ghetto, labeling them as "ghetto" and paying our sports stars more than our teachers. How far is too far? What's wrong with us?

I'm not alone

So I'm still not too positive about this whole blogging thing... which is why it's been forever since I've posted anything, but my mind is a little overactive so why not write a little.

Sometimes I have these moments late at night when I remember I'm not alone. That something else is going on here and its so divine, so peaceful, so deep. Just when I think I'm alone and no one is watching. God show up out of no where pokes me in the arm and says "hey kiddo", yeah God calls me kiddo, "I'm here."

The background

At different times in my life I've had different songs that have really spoken to my heart and occasionally one of them comes on at the right moment in my life as if to say, "hey are you paying attention"


So here's what just happened

I was listening to my iPod on shuffle and texting a Young Life girl and I was sharing with her some of my past experiences and just really trying to encourage her and get her to look at the bright side of a situation. As I was texting her I just really started to think about everything that's going on in my life right now all the feelings twisted up inside of me, how I have no idea what I'm doing in the sense that I feel crazy for deciding to walk away from staff but stay and do my job as volunteer. I just felt like if nothing else comes from me sticking around right now besides this conversation and this moment right now, if nothing else comes of this semseter besides this girl knowing that I care about her. It would really be okae with me it would all be worth it. It's not about being the all-star greatest Young Life leader ever especially not right now, not that I ever was but you know what I mean. And as I said that to myself this song that I have no idea why I left it on my iPod came on. It used to have my mom's music on it because she did it to format it for me. I took almost all of it off but she had this one song on there I couldn't get rid of. I heard for the first time two summers ago, and it grabbed me by the heart I didn't think the words could be any more beautiful but then I heard it in Spanish and low and behold they were some how more beautiful to me. So I just couldn't delete it. But I never ever listen to it its just there, and I always have my iPod on shuffle and it never comes up but tonight it did. It felt like God was whispering "hey kiddo, I think you got it" I'm honestly in tears right now.

Here's the song:

Everyone needs compassion, love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow, everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing
For the glory of the risen king, Jesus
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing
For the glory of the risen king


There's something about it. "So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures. fill my life again, I give my life to follow, everything I believe in. Now I surrender." We're all a little broken and afraid but that shouldn't stop us. Not when God will fill us.

I'm so scared everything right now, I've had this call in heart to "Go" for so long and for so long I've been sitting on my hands because I was too afraid that I wasn't good enough. I'm terrified to be honest, but at least I'm not alone.