Faith and Anxiety

Part of me just likes to write when I don't feel well.

You know how sometimes you go to church and you listen to the sermon and you learn something cool; and then on other days you go to church and you are almost positive that the pastor spent a considerable amount of time stalking you and wrote his sermon based on the things he saw in your life? That's how I felt when I went to church on Sunday.

I haven't really found a home since I moved to Phoenix so I've been church hopping going here and there with whatever friend will let me be a tag along on Sunday morning. The past two Sundays I went to The Vineyard with my friends Federico and last Sunday Alicia, his girlfriend and my friend, was with us too. I've been before but these two times I really learned some cool things that I'm working on applying in my life. I'm a first service kinda girl, it makes a world of difference for me, I hear The Word better.

Back to the story. So I know the Pastor didn't spend the last month of his life stalking me in mine because he was a guest pastor from Michigan. He's wasn't even here in Phoenix long enough stalk me. Otherwise I would have been convinced. The sermon was about calming anxiety with the power of the Lord. He talked about practical ways to calm your heart with prayer. All of us get a little anxious from time to time but some of us suffer from it. I'm a sufferer. I probably should be on some kind of medication but I fear medicating would just make me feel worse so I don't go to the doctor for it. Instead I've developed this long list of coping mechanisms. One thing that wasn't on my list was Jesus. How silly of me. The one thing that should be at the top of every list in my life wasn't on my list of ways to cope with my anxiety. Don't get me wrong I've tried to pray my anxiety away, I've begged on hands and knees to not suffer from anxiety anymore. I've petitioned to God for it to be taken away completely more than a million times I've asked. I've been pray for and prayed over before but it doesn't go away. I thought it did because until this past summer I hadn't had a panic attack due to my anxiety since high school. But alas it doesn't go away, it rests. Like a dormant volcano it rests waiting to be triggered so it can erupt into my life at Universal Studios or some other completely inconvenient place. It just doesn't leave me, it won't leave me, I don't know if it ever will. I desperately wish it would, but Sunday I realized that in the moments that my mind and body lock up from fear I've never asked God to be in it with me. I breathe deeply and concentrate on the rhythm of my every breath, but I don't notice that I'm breathing in The Spirit. I make myself small and think about oceans and I rock as though the waves are causing me to move back and forth, but I don't notice that those are God's waves on His ocean and that he's the one causing me to sway. I don't pick up on the divine all around me. The divine that could calm my heart.


I'm particularly anxious today I don't know what's the source of it and I've never known what sends me from fine to manageable anxiety to full panic but I'll make it through the day walking by faith.

And with prayer
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me, the sinner.

Sometimes I wear my rain jacket when its not raining.

Today I'm wearing my rain jacket. It's not raining and I know that it isn't going to rain. But when I opened my closet this morning I saw the sweet green sleeves peeking out from that back of the closet so I had to put it on. This sweet purchase was made on a lucky day. It's my lucky rain jacket... even though I only have one. Let me tell you how I got it. I was wandering stores in Flagstaff this summer on one of my days off. There's no where to shop in Flag... everyone knows that... but all I wanted was a rain jacket so I could survive monsoon season at Lost Canyon but every store I went in all day I had absolutely no luck. Then I went to the Flagstaff mall... world's worst mall. I walked into this department store to give it one last shot at the door I told myself "this is the last store, if I don't find something I like that is less than $50 I going home without a rain jacket." I walked straight to the woman's outdoors section and there it was, in all of it's lime green glory there it was. I needed it immediately based on the cute shade of lime green that it was but I wasn't going to spend a million bucks to have it. "It never rains in Phoenix, its the desert. I live in Phoenix, I can't justify buying it if its super expensive," I told myself. So I turned the tag.... $29.99 said the tag in red. What??? A fancy smancy Columbia Omni-Sheild rain jacket that retails at $80 was on sale for $30, that's the shopping equivalent of striking oil. So of course I bought it. I'm sure it was on sale because no one wants a lime green rain jacket, but sometimes I like things that other people don't and sometimes I like things that everyone likes. I'm the girl who wears her rain jacket when its not raining and she knows it isn't going to rain. That's just who I am. I just wanted wear it, I mean it doubles as a great wind breaker but it's for sure a rain jacket, and I want it to be a rain jacket.

Sometimes in life we have to walk into a department store and give it one last shot. (come on if you read anything I've ever written you know I like metaphors) Seriously think about it, how many times have you wanted something in life and spent a considerable amount of time pursuing it and then you gave up on it only to realize that you really want it? I bet you can think of at least one time. Maybe you wanted a certain job or a certain degree. Maybe you wanted to go some place or do something. Maybe there's someone you gave up on. No one knows except you and Jesus.

There's this random department store in my life that I'm going to walk into and give it one last shot. I stood at the door but then I got scared and I walked away and I got back in my car. Then I got really scared and I turned on the car to drive away but before I did I tried to get God to tell me my rain jacket wasn't in the store so I could drive away in peace and feel good about it, but I can't get my no. I'm so weird I wanted God to tell me no and he won't, the one time I want a no I can't have it the million times I didn't want a no I got them. That's my God always mixing it up.

I'm not sure how get back to the door or how it's going to go but I'm going to approach the door to the department store in prayer then I'm going to walk in and see what happens. If my rain jacket isn't in there then it's not in there but I'm not going to not walk into the store. I don't know why God won't tell me no, but I'm not interpreting it as yes because I don't hear that either. I just feel like I have to go into the store. I'll never know if it's in there if I get in the car and drive away.


I'm random... welcome to my wild mind.

Too Good to Die.

I'm cleaning up my Facebook. I'm considering a friend purge but I might not do it because one time I got deleted(very justified I'd have deleted me too) and I noticed that said individual deleted me and I was a little hurt(but again it was justified) so I don't want to do that to people.


However my favorite quotes are too good to be gone forever. So they shall live on here on my blog.


LOVE is patient, LOVE is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. LOVE does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Cor. 13:4-7 My favorite verses, ever written.

"Does this mean I'm being deported to hell?" - Alex Barr

Christina: Why don't kids play Ring Around the Rosie anymore?
Rikki: Cause its horrible, its about anthrax.
Christina: No its not, its about the black plague...
Rikki: yeah that's what I meant.

(Please note that in the following Ryan was super sleepy while we were talking)
Me: I'm coloring Samson right now and he looks really fruity because I chose green and orange to color him.
Ryan Guzman: Wait who are you coloring?
Me: Samson you know like Samson from the bible.
Ryan: Wait why are you using green like is his skin green?
Me: No his skin is not green his clothes are I picked green and orange for his clothes.
Ryan: Oh right just to let you know its supposed to be green and purple.
Me: No it isn't who decided that?
Ryan: OH DUDE never mind I was thinking of The Hulk.

"I'm kinda disappointed that you don't live to answer my phone calls... if I ever win the lottery I'm going to pay you to wait around for me to call you." - Ryan Guzman

Rikki: I hate sitting this close to the screen
Rikki's little sister: At least I get to see Taylor Lautner's nipples up close.

"I can't fall if I'm holding him"- Lance Mckee

"FUN NUGGETS!!!... (a lot quieter) I found them" -Me, at Midnight in response to finding dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.

"I don't do drugs I am drugs"- Salvador Dali

Me: "Well you don't want your feet to get wet right?"
4 yr. old: "Well sometimes my feet get wet in the shower"
(I love kids)

"Go fist pump yourself" - Jonathan Michael Rodriguez

"Am I wearing goggles"-Lance Mckee

"Its kinda poetic. lol (I don't know why but I wanted to sound sophisticated hahaha)" -Jonathan Michael Rodriguez



and a couple videos for your viewing pleasure

This one is in Romanian so just watch it and don't worry about the words... she's singing about Santa being there, and that's her (real life) dad and he's telling her that Santa only comes to good kids but she says it doesn't matter if she was good or bad because Santa is already there and she only wants one thing from Santa, her boyfriend Ghita back. Just watch



and a throwback





was Justin serious about that hairstyle?

Arizona Winter I missed you!!

Last night I went to the store with my lovely roommate and I opted to wear my mukluks. I wear them I the middle of the summer, but I love nothing more than to put on my fluffy socks and wear them in winter and since I live in Phoenix I don't have to worry about the fact that they don't have real bottoms. I can wear them anywhere because there's no water here to get them wet. Last night was my winter first.


I'm excited. Expect more of this from me.

Excuse me November when did you get here?

November? Where on Earth did October go? I'm in complete disbelief. This semester is almost over. I signed up for my Spring classes this morning, finals are fast approaching and my life is whipping by me so rapidly. This year is almost over 49 days and it'll 2011. WOW I'm just flabbergasted. It's unreal how quickly time flies. So November marks the beginning of the Holiday season. How exciting! Secretly I love the holidays but secretly I hate them more. I always get homesick this time of year, I want to go home to the South and spend time with my family. Holidays back home are epic events to be remembered. They are the type of get togethers that Hollywood makes movies about. Aunts, uncles, 5 cousins I've never met, babies, old people, food, food and more food, the uncle that drank to much so now he's busy telling the children stories about about when he was a "youngster", plus the nosy Aunt who gossips through dinner and tells everyone her opinion but no one heads it, those people exist in my family. As crazy as they are I miss them. I want to be with them and laugh at them I want to have a holiday with them; I love their eccentricities. So for years Arizona holidays have made me want to become a shut in because I itch for my childhood holidays, I yearn for my family. My Arizona holidays with my Dad, (former Step-Mom), step sister and 3 little sisters have always been slightly tragic, due to the generally extreme dysfunction of our family. We don't do holidays well, we used to pretend and cover up the fact that 3 hours before we sat down to eat someone was picking a fight behind a closed door and someone else had just drank enough to drown most people and that 5 people were secretly dying to just go to the movies and get away from the other 2, but pretending is not an option now-a-days and due to my current state of self declared familylessness(that is not a word but as a woman who gets joy from writing I'm claiming poetic freedom to invent words) here in Arizona.

However as I have chosen to make this place my own and ladies and gentlemen: I do foresee Holiday joy in my near future for I will claim the things that are good. I'm claiming joy for myself this holiday season; no more tragic Arizona holidays for me.

I don't know what I'm going to do but I do know that it will be good and cheerful and involved some kind of joy spreading thing. I think I'm might volunteer some where, spend sometime with other alone people, they'll probably bless me with their presence more than I could ever bless them with mine.


Happy Holidays... and by that I mean Merry Christmas.