Don't make jokes about repentence or God will call you out on it.

In my last post I said the following in reference to settling down.

...Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first...

I'm a self defined cynic... well I was a self defined cynic, mostly in reference to people and love. Love stories only exist in books and Hollywood fiction. While I like a good chick flick they're just fantasy to me. Well they were that is. See I'm from a trice broken home and I can provide you with the short list of positive male influences I've encountered in my life none of whom are my father or the men who should have been father figures to me. Also please note that the list doesn't really begin until I was well into high school. Strong women I get.. good men I don't. I grew up with this misconception that men are just trouble there are exceptions but in general men are trouble. I'm also guilty of thinking I'm doomed to be my parents. I'm doomed to run into that guy that's gonna be like my dad and I'll end up a single because I'm divorced, depressed, broken and a mother of 2. So I turned into a cynic. It's been this wall of safety if I don't believe in people and I don't believe in love then I'm safe and secure and you would think that after several years of Christ following I'd have learned my lesson about walls but nope not me, the walls I have left aren't necessarily all that bad in most ways they have protected me from lots of trouble in my life they were effective for a time period and I think God let me have them while he was working some other stuff out for me but now they just hold me back. So God drove it home this summer, NO MORE WALLS. Thus he began breaking them all down.

So after I made my joke that I typically make about being terrible girlfriend material, which I make often, God went right on ahead and called me out. God put Proverbs 31 in front of me, take a minute to read it. HERE

See I read that and realized I'm secretly striving to be that woman. I didn't know I was until I read it though. My actions and desires weren't mirroring my words, but I don't think I had the words to mirror my heart before.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

That verse got me, Proverbs 31:30 grabbed my heart and tugged hard. Cynicism is like the plague. Its starts as a tiny really little spot and then before you know it, it's all over your body and you're struggling to survive because you're 21 and thoroughly convinced that you'll never be married even if it's God's will for your life. Which I was convinced of while hiding behind my cynicism, I was prepared to directly disobey the Lord if need be. (pause that might be a little to real of a statement for some people but it's the truth and I'm about honesty) I know that marriage isn't promised but should it be in God's will for me I was prepared to disobey for fear of destruction. For fear that I'd wind up like my parents. I was fearing earthly things instead of the Lord. Shame on me.

So yesterday morning I decided to repent of my cynicism and the lies I believe in so many different parts of my heart because of it and then last night God tested me and this morning I passed; I said, "God I don't want this because it makes me want to turn around but I want whatever Your will is for me more. So let Your will be done in my life" and then this afternoon he challenged me to submit completely and totally to his will in every part of my life and I've always had trouble with that concept it's always been hard for me. I accepted his challenge and I'm sure he'll test me soon enough and I'll probably blog about it later. So until then...


Let God's will for you life be done too, submit and surrender to his good, holy and pleasing will.

Current Obsessions

Here are some things that really bring me joy right now

Sunflowers

I wanna put them on everything. Even my web browser and phone are currently sunflower themed.

Settling down.
Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first. So lemme explain. I've felt like I've been in transition in one area or another of my life for 3 years. But since my minor early 20's life crisis and coming back to the real world. I feel like I've fallen into place. That spot I've been moving towards for 3 years. I found it. How do I know? Well a million things but mostly I've felt compelled to buy furniture lately... who does that? Grown ups and people who have found a place; I'm the second not the first.

Hence why I want this a lot

like a lot a lot, I'd steal babies for it.

Donald Miller's Blog
Donald Miller

Yes I did plug his blog two posts in a row.

Shakira.
I've always been a little obsessed but I really dig this song and video. I've been in love with the song for months now ever since I bought the CD the play count in my iTunes has been steadily growing.



JJ Heller "You would love me too"
You Would Love Me Too by JJ Heller-You Would Love Me Too
Sorry friends I couldn't figure out how to embed it, but you can click and listen and feel old school because it's on myspace.


Watching the Lord do great things in the lives of friends. I feel so blessed to see the Lord working in my friend's lives, just to be privileged enough to be a part.

2 hours reading book reviews= Mile long reading list

When I'm in school I do a lot of reading most of it is meaningless to me because I don't care about the formation of planets and such. Other times its just overwhelming because I chose to be a Spanish lit major so I get to play the translation game and read the classics and misinterpret them when I do it without the help of a professor. Anyway I don't read other stuff because I feel reading drained but I've decide that's just an excuse and I can make time to read about other things, for example, I could pick up a few Jesus books and read them. It's always great to add a little outside perspective in life. So while reading one of my favs Donald Miller's Blog. I trapped myself in this 2 hour excursion reading Christian book reviews and now I have a list of things to read. Here are the one's I'm pretty seriously committed to:

At the top of the list: Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson
Permission to Speak Freely is about confessing your struggles to God and to others and finding freedom in it. Partially comprised of Anne's confessions and experiences and the other part is artistic representation of the confessions of others (think post secrets). It's got Essays, poetry, pictures and letters. Sounds like a real winner in my book.

Don't believe me check out any or all of these Essays excerpts from the book on some snazy Christian blog.

Donald Miller (Essay #1 – The First Brick)
***side note 1: seriously if you don't read this blog you're missing out***

Jon Acuff (Essay #2 – The Final Brick)
***side note 2: again read this blog or you're missing out***


***side note 3: I've never read any of these other blogs so I won't try to convince you the you're missing something***

Carlos Whittaker (Essay #3 – Losing Faith)
Pete Wilson (Essay #4 – Finding Love in All the Wrong Places)
XXXChurch.com (Essay #5 – Shattered Pixels)
Catalyst Conference (Essay #6 – Ghosts of Churches Past)
FlowerDust.net (Essay #7 – Listening)

Forgotten God- Francis Chan
A follow up to Crazy Love. It's about the holy spirit and how as Christians we have a tendency to neglect the power of the holy spirit.

Fatherless Generation- Dr. John Sowers
Fatherless Generation is a hard-hitting, descriptive look at this issue, showing how awareness, compassion, and mentoring are the keys to writing new stories of hope.
(I stole that description I liked the way it was written)

Practical Theology for Women- Wendy Horger Alsup
Alsup writes about applying theology to the everyday life of women. Plus the cover is pretty and yes I judge my books by the cover.

A Christian Manifesto- Francis Schaeffer
What happened to American Christianity. The country was founded on it but today humanism and consumerism drive our country. Schaeffer explores that and calls Christians to change it.


I just bought this one yesterday before I spent two hours
Crazy Love- Francis Chan
Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself. Because the answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts — it's falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love, as Francis describes it, you will never be the same.

Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.
(I stole this one too)

Others that interest me:
Gracias- Henri Nouwen
Mere Christianity- C.S. Lewis(seriously how do you make a to read list with out putting Lewis on it?)
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Christine Feldhahn.... kidding I'm not going to read that... it was just funny.
Follow me to Freedom- Shane Claiborne
Irresistible Revolution- Shane Claiborne


There you have it. I'm committed. Join me maybe? If not I think I'm gonna post about the books I read. It'll give me extra motivation to read them.

Joy even when I've lost all my socks.

Ever encounter something that brings you so much joy that you want to dance and everything you experience for the rest of the day is tinted in rose? I felt like that today for the first time in 2 weeks. If I've told you in the past two weeks that I was fine, I lied. I'm sorry for lying to you. I like to pretend to be okae sometimes especially when I'm falling apart. BUT

I started my day with this:

Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."

Before I even got out of bed and it changed everything about my day and my life quite frankly.

I promise there will be joy at the end of this post. I just have to walk through how I got to dancing and joy after being home for 2 weeks as of yesterday.

I've been dying inside a little since I've been home from my internship. I've felt all alone and helpless. Since I got back all I've wanted to do was buy a plane ticket to South Carolina and go home. The adjustment has been rough, I didn't expect it. I didn't think it'd be easy in fact I knew it wouldn't be. I spent 3 months in a bubble where God challenged and pushed me daily; He moved me forward leaps and bounds in my life and my figuring out who I am. Seriously even the suckiest things that happened while I was gone were completely good for me because I learned from them. He even called me by name from a tree (the story is for sure in the top 3 coolest God moments of my life permanently). I decided before I drove out of the gate and down camp road that I wouldn't go back to the same place I'd been in before I left the valley for the summer. As I drove down Perkinsville Rd I took that moment to pray that God would show me how to apply what I had learned in the summer and that he would go before me and make sure that I didn't go back to where I was before the internship.

The closer I got to the valley the harder it was to breath, partially because the closer you get the hotter it is, mostly because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't go back to my parents house where I lived all last semester for the first time in almost 2 years because I couldn't bear to be a part of something I don't respect, I couldn't bare to witness the damage, pretend with them any more that nothing is wrong with our family. So my best friend took me in. Then my car broke no more than 2 miles from my parents house and I knew my dad was home but I couldn't call. I realized that if I choose not to pretend with my parents then I choose to be alone. I choose to not have a family to support me in Phoenix and this is when the dying amplified. I know he wouldn't have been very helpful but he would have picked me up even if he didn't want to he'd have done it because I'd have cried. But I couldn't call so I didn't and I didn't cry either; I wasn't strong enough to cry. I felt more alone in that moment then I've ever felt, even at my lowest point I'd never felt that alone but I also didn't feel back then I just existed. I prayed more vigorously every day after that, the prayer that I'd been praying since I found out about everything happening in at "home". I prayed that God would give me peace and be release me to go home to South Carolina so I wouldn't have to be alone...

But when you're called by God, He doesn't just let you go he implores you to be obedient to his will.

Yeah I could leave but the more I prayed the more I felt like God would just draw me back here if I did. So why leave? No point if I'm coming back so I stayed here hoping I was misinterpreting and relentlessly asking God to let me leave without a bungee cord to make me bounce back here to which He continually said no.

The Joy: My day in rose.
I started by having a dance party because I was filled with joy and energy. Then I listened to a killer podcast sermon on being a missionary while I actually did something with my hair because I cared. Checked my facebook and recieved facebook love. Left for class and texted my lovely friend friend Ashley Blount, who also offered me a chance to be her roommate, all the way there. Then I went to class and both of them were great. I learned new words in Romanian, I love learning words and speaking and taking notes and everything about language acquisition. New favorite word chinez- pronounced KEYnez which is why I like it KEYnez is fun to say. Then Julie read us semi-dirty joke in Romanian for this website. I'm sure that the ones she didn't read were actually really dirty but I can't read Romanian so I don't have any idea what they were like. In Spanish lit 425- my professor walked in at 1:44, who does that? 1 minute away from having no class. But oh well it was a great lecture on something I never read because I still don't have the book (I wasn't buying books if I was running away). However I actually engaged in conversation in that class with the people around me pre-class and during the lecture. Which I've yet to do because I've been sulking almost every second of everyday. After class I returned a missed phone call from Orbi that just made me feel useful again, it's humbling to be out of the loop but it's also precious when someone chooses to bring you up to speed. Then I found a little hole in the wall sushi spot with take out. Decently priced and delicious, Sushi Time Rural and Baseline. Ate my sushi while watching a Che Guevara documentary and then my two of my best friends loved me and Bri watched TV with me even if it was terrible and a mindless waste of my time. Then Ryan called me, and made me laugh because he's a stalker and I'm a horrible cynic.

I said all of that to say none of it matters much in the grand scheme of things it was a bunch of little things that made me happy but had today been yesterday I wouldn't have cared it wouldn't have been noticed. I wouldn't have found joy in a single second. I would have sulked and begged God for the 13 millionth time to let me go back to South Carolina and be with my family and live in my room. But because the idea of "trusting in the Lord, the Rock eternal" bought me joy as soon as I opened my eyes before I even got up and brushed my teeth. Today everything was in rose, everything was good. Good happened with God's help and he made even more good happen in the world for bazillions of other people but you can only see it if you choose to. I chose good today. Trusting in God today allowed me to choose good.

I know that I am called to be here, so it will be good, not perfect but good and I have to choose to see that. Maybe one day I'll go home, maybe I'll get to be around family again but I know that if I don't it'll okae. I just have to choose to trust that this is supposed to be my home and do what it takes to make it feel that way for me because for now and this is where I belong where I'm supposed to be. I feel it deep in my heart I've felt it since the beginning of the summer, I've yet to trust it though. I'll get there but for now at least I'm done sulking about being alone I find ways not to be alone and when I am I'll still be with God so not alone. P.S. I learned that this summer and somehow still missed it.

Message of it all: Choose to trust God in your life and choose good in your days.




Just a little idea of where this came from:
My feet were cold and somehow I've lost all of my socks except one pair, blue and green stripes but they're latex free... so score! I'm not mad either I don't care. Had I looked for them yesterday the world would have been against me when I didn't find them but today I'm grateful for the one pair and my Young Life sweatshirt. Because I remembered my verse and I don't think the world is out to get me because there is good to be seen.

So I'm gonna watch an episode of True Blood and go then go to bed.

Please listen to Ingrid and share some of my joy