...Not marriage, I may never be ready to settle down like that I'd make a terrible wife, I'm a cynic... I'll have to repent from my cynical ways first...
I'm a self defined cynic... well I was a self defined cynic, mostly in reference to people and love. Love stories only exist in books and Hollywood fiction. While I like a good chick flick they're just fantasy to me. Well they were that is. See I'm from a trice broken home and I can provide you with the short list of positive male influences I've encountered in my life none of whom are my father or the men who should have been father figures to me. Also please note that the list doesn't really begin until I was well into high school. Strong women I get.. good men I don't. I grew up with this misconception that men are just trouble there are exceptions but in general men are trouble. I'm also guilty of thinking I'm doomed to be my parents. I'm doomed to run into that guy that's gonna be like my dad and I'll end up a single because I'm divorced, depressed, broken and a mother of 2. So I turned into a cynic. It's been this wall of safety if I don't believe in people and I don't believe in love then I'm safe and secure and you would think that after several years of Christ following I'd have learned my lesson about walls but nope not me, the walls I have left aren't necessarily all that bad in most ways they have protected me from lots of trouble in my life they were effective for a time period and I think God let me have them while he was working some other stuff out for me but now they just hold me back. So God drove it home this summer, NO MORE WALLS. Thus he began breaking them all down.
So after I made my joke that I typically make about being terrible girlfriend material, which I make often, God went right on ahead and called me out. God put Proverbs 31 in front of me, take a minute to read it. HERE
See I read that and realized I'm secretly striving to be that woman. I didn't know I was until I read it though. My actions and desires weren't mirroring my words, but I don't think I had the words to mirror my heart before.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
That verse got me, Proverbs 31:30 grabbed my heart and tugged hard. Cynicism is like the plague. Its starts as a tiny really little spot and then before you know it, it's all over your body and you're struggling to survive because you're 21 and thoroughly convinced that you'll never be married even if it's God's will for your life. Which I was convinced of while hiding behind my cynicism, I was prepared to directly disobey the Lord if need be. (pause that might be a little to real of a statement for some people but it's the truth and I'm about honesty) I know that marriage isn't promised but should it be in God's will for me I was prepared to disobey for fear of destruction. For fear that I'd wind up like my parents. I was fearing earthly things instead of the Lord. Shame on me.
So yesterday morning I decided to repent of my cynicism and the lies I believe in so many different parts of my heart because of it and then last night God tested me and this morning I passed; I said, "God I don't want this because it makes me want to turn around but I want whatever Your will is for me more. So let Your will be done in my life" and then this afternoon he challenged me to submit completely and totally to his will in every part of my life and I've always had trouble with that concept it's always been hard for me. I accepted his challenge and I'm sure he'll test me soon enough and I'll probably blog about it later. So until then...
Let God's will for you life be done too, submit and surrender to his good, holy and pleasing will.
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