I started my day with this:
Before I even got out of bed and it changed everything about my day and my life quite frankly.Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."
I promise there will be joy at the end of this post. I just have to walk through how I got to dancing and joy after being home for 2 weeks as of yesterday.
I've been dying inside a little since I've been home from my internship. I've felt all alone and helpless. Since I got back all I've wanted to do was buy a plane ticket to South Carolina and go home. The adjustment has been rough, I didn't expect it. I didn't think it'd be easy in fact I knew it wouldn't be. I spent 3 months in a bubble where God challenged and pushed me daily; He moved me forward leaps and bounds in my life and my figuring out who I am. Seriously even the suckiest things that happened while I was gone were completely good for me because I learned from them. He even called me by name from a tree (the story is for sure in the top 3 coolest God moments of my life permanently). I decided before I drove out of the gate and down camp road that I wouldn't go back to the same place I'd been in before I left the valley for the summer. As I drove down Perkinsville Rd I took that moment to pray that God would show me how to apply what I had learned in the summer and that he would go before me and make sure that I didn't go back to where I was before the internship.
The closer I got to the valley the harder it was to breath, partially because the closer you get the hotter it is, mostly because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't go back to my parents house where I lived all last semester for the first time in almost 2 years because I couldn't bear to be a part of something I don't respect, I couldn't bare to witness the damage, pretend with them any more that nothing is wrong with our family. So my best friend took me in. Then my car broke no more than 2 miles from my parents house and I knew my dad was home but I couldn't call. I realized that if I choose not to pretend with my parents then I choose to be alone. I choose to not have a family to support me in Phoenix and this is when the dying amplified. I know he wouldn't have been very helpful but he would have picked me up even if he didn't want to he'd have done it because I'd have cried. But I couldn't call so I didn't and I didn't cry either; I wasn't strong enough to cry. I felt more alone in that moment then I've ever felt, even at my lowest point I'd never felt that alone but I also didn't feel back then I just existed. I prayed more vigorously every day after that, the prayer that I'd been praying since I found out about everything happening in at "home". I prayed that God would give me peace and be release me to go home to South Carolina so I wouldn't have to be alone...
But when you're called by God, He doesn't just let you go he implores you to be obedient to his will.
Yeah I could leave but the more I prayed the more I felt like God would just draw me back here if I did. So why leave? No point if I'm coming back so I stayed here hoping I was misinterpreting and relentlessly asking God to let me leave without a bungee cord to make me bounce back here to which He continually said no.
The Joy: My day in rose.
I started by having a dance party because I was filled with joy and energy. Then I listened to a killer podcast sermon on being a missionary while I actually did something with my hair because I cared. Checked my facebook and recieved facebook love. Left for class and texted my lovely friend friend Ashley Blount, who also offered me a chance to be her roommate, all the way there. Then I went to class and both of them were great. I learned new words in Romanian, I love learning words and speaking and taking notes and everything about language acquisition. New favorite word chinez- pronounced KEYnez which is why I like it KEYnez is fun to say. Then Julie read us semi-dirty joke in Romanian for this website. I'm sure that the ones she didn't read were actually really dirty but I can't read Romanian so I don't have any idea what they were like. In Spanish lit 425- my professor walked in at 1:44, who does that? 1 minute away from having no class. But oh well it was a great lecture on something I never read because I still don't have the book (I wasn't buying books if I was running away). However I actually engaged in conversation in that class with the people around me pre-class and during the lecture. Which I've yet to do because I've been sulking almost every second of everyday. After class I returned a missed phone call from Orbi that just made me feel useful again, it's humbling to be out of the loop but it's also precious when someone chooses to bring you up to speed. Then I found a little hole in the wall sushi spot with take out. Decently priced and delicious, Sushi Time Rural and Baseline. Ate my sushi while watching a Che Guevara documentary and then my two of my best friends loved me and Bri watched TV with me even if it was terrible and a mindless waste of my time. Then Ryan called me, and made me laugh because he's a stalker and I'm a horrible cynic.
I said all of that to say none of it matters much in the grand scheme of things it was a bunch of little things that made me happy but had today been yesterday I wouldn't have cared it wouldn't have been noticed. I wouldn't have found joy in a single second. I would have sulked and begged God for the 13 millionth time to let me go back to South Carolina and be with my family and live in my room. But because the idea of "trusting in the Lord, the Rock eternal" bought me joy as soon as I opened my eyes before I even got up and brushed my teeth. Today everything was in rose, everything was good. Good happened with God's help and he made even more good happen in the world for bazillions of other people but you can only see it if you choose to. I chose good today. Trusting in God today allowed me to choose good.
I know that I am called to be here, so it will be good, not perfect but good and I have to choose to see that. Maybe one day I'll go home, maybe I'll get to be around family again but I know that if I don't it'll okae. I just have to choose to trust that this is supposed to be my home and do what it takes to make it feel that way for me because for now and this is where I belong where I'm supposed to be. I feel it deep in my heart I've felt it since the beginning of the summer, I've yet to trust it though. I'll get there but for now at least I'm done sulking about being alone I find ways not to be alone and when I am I'll still be with God so not alone. P.S. I learned that this summer and somehow still missed it.
Message of it all: Choose to trust God in your life and choose good in your days.
Just a little idea of where this came from:
My feet were cold and somehow I've lost all of my socks except one pair, blue and green stripes but they're latex free... so score! I'm not mad either I don't care. Had I looked for them yesterday the world would have been against me when I didn't find them but today I'm grateful for the one pair and my Young Life sweatshirt. Because I remembered my verse and I don't think the world is out to get me because there is good to be seen.
So I'm gonna watch an episode of True Blood and go then go to bed.
Please listen to Ingrid and share some of my joy
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