OCTOBER!!

Woke up this morning and thought holy geez wasn't it just January the other day? Didn't I just express how lovely I thought 2010 was going to be and how it was going to blow me away?

RECAP of the Year so far:
January: left my Young Life job and bummed around trying to figure myself out
February: Pushed myself hard through the static
March: Pushed even harder through the static
April-May: Dated a New YL area
May-August: Let God pick me up and carry me away from the static. Left my area. Interned at Lost Canyon where God restored my heart, changed my life, and called me from a tree (I think I've failed to share this story here). I learned so much about myself and people and community, I lived and loved and learned. Even in the hard things in the muck and mire I learned so much and consider it all a blessing.
August: Had a minor crisis due to the shock of coming home and school and not having a place to live, almost ran away but I stayed because I'm called.
September: Fell in love ministry all over again. Realized God is still breaking old habits of mine. Found perspective on a lot of things. Did something so out of character that it was crazy but it felt so good. Really seeking change and newness in my life. I've done a lot of things wrong in my life and now I want to try and do things right.

Wow and the year isn't over yet. Yesterday put me officially 3 months away from turning 22. There are a mere 90 days sitting between 21 year old me and 22 year old me. I can't believe I'm almost that old. I know, I know it's not really all that old, but for me it is. I feel actually feel older now this is the first time ever in my life that I don't feel like a lost little kid. I feel like I'm finally free from my past because I've finally learned from it. I've learned how to accept the things that have happened for what they are.

Who am I going to be in 90 days? What can God do in 90 days? I'm not sure but I'm going to find out. For the next 90 days I'm really going to seek God in some dark areas of my heart because I realized the yesterday that I have this twisted perception of love and relationships.

Sidenote: Not God's love because it's perfect I see God's love everywhere and it's save me way back when I was 16 and trying to figure out what being a Christian was I came across 1 Corinthians 13 and verses 4-8 leaped up from the pages and wrapped around my heart where the words still remain because that day I found what I'd been looking for my whole life. Patient, kind, free of envy, boasting, rudeness, and pride. I heard the love I'd been looking for whisper to me. Since that day I've tried to bask in that love. Sometimes I fail but when I succeed in my life is so sweet that even silence and oneness taste good to my soul. I actually seek to develop the qualities described in 1 Corinthians in my own character, that's why I wear the verse on my back to remind me even though I can't see it others can and that's who I want to be. I know I can't attain it perfectly but I can strive for it in a healthy way. :End Sidenote

My twisted perception is of human love and relationships. I'm a product of a severely broken home. I've carried that around for a really long time. I used to want to just blend in to the background and be as unimportant as my family made me feel. For years I walked around with that in the forefront of my heart. For years I carried this hurt in the form of a wall around my heart. It made me unable to be free and trust people and their intentions with me. God monster stomped the wall down a few weeks ago but it's left me with this desire to repair the damage.

Then yesterday I was presented with this question:

Why are we afraid to ask God for what we really want?

My answer because I'm afraid he'll actually do it.

But I'm in the mood to be bold. So here I go.
In the next 90 days of my life I want God to reconcile my view of human relationships. I want to be shown something, I want to learn sometime, be a part of something that will teach me differently from that which I have been exposed to. I don't expect to be completely reedeemed shoot it took 21 years to get here and the hurt has been forming for 16 of those years so I don't expect to be completely healed in 90 days but I do expect to start the process. I do expect God to show up and I won't write off the idea of complete restoration in 90 days either. God is huge he can do what he wants. I'm just inviting Him in this is His work of art that will not be commanded by my hands.

But I can't just ask if I'm not willing to jump in both feet first and get waist deep in my issue with God in front of me. So amongst my rando blogging this month I'm also going to take time and write about parts of this process. I want to share this with people. I could do it in secret I know I'll write about it even if I choose not to blog it but there something about having it out there on in the world wide web makes it feel like I'm not only professing it to myself and God but the world. I want to profess it to world, shout from mountain tops, so this is my proverbial mountain. Expect it soon! (like today after I take my astronomy test) :)